Angry..do you see this as ok?

HeatherintheHills

OP, how big does the writing on the wall have to be?

He is a cheat. Get rid.

pearl123

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

OP, how big does the writing on the wall have to be?

He is a cheat. Get rid.

It certainly does appear that he needs more than you to get is sexual kicks OP ! I really do suspect that he has been unfaithful due to the strong sexual language he's using. OP you do need to wake up.

pixelation

There is an excellent book called "Not just friends" in which research makes it quite clear that bad marriage does not equal affair; opportunity = affair.
I'm so sorry you are facing this nonsense with the phone. I hope you have the phone and laptop open now and he is encouraging you to see that there is nothing to worry about.

Scorpio33

My initial reaction to this was; well it depends.

To be honest, some work places can have high levels of banter, and depending on the place, a comment like this may be the norm. Not saying that this is right, I am just saying it happens, and in that situation you would feel pressured to join in.

However, the fact that he was upset that you were looking at his phone says to me that he was trying to hide something - something he clearly didn't want you to see.

My take on it is this: he is a bit bored of the relationship, not sure what to do to change things, and instead of talking about it with you, started looking elsewhere. Not cheated or anything and knows that he won't, but still has this urge to look elsewhere as he is not happy in the relationship. So to satisfy his "urge", and wihtout cheating, he flirts a bit with females. This particular text is part of that flirting, and he currently doesn't think that it would lead to anything else. His perception of flirting maybe different to yours, everyone's level is different. The line is somewhere, and I am not saying what he did was right, I am just saying everyone has boundries, and his is clearly different to yours.

But the fact still remains that any effort put into "flirting" is effort not put into the relationship. Clearly something is wrong with the current relationship, but he is too scared to say anything.

Forget trying to catch him out.

Forget finishing with him without explanation.

Forget what he is doing with/to others.

Focus on what effort he is putting on you two as a couple. Not the money, the emotional support, the involvement in each others life, the romance, the activities as a couple. What does he do to make you happy? Why does he feel this urge to flirt with other people?

Something clearly needs to change and he is clearly not happy, as if he was, he wouldn't go looking elsewhere. If he really thought what he was doing was ok, he would not have tried to hide his phone.

You deserve respect, and he needs to show you some.

Time for an honest talk with him about why, not about what.

eleanor73

pixelation wrote: »

There is an excellent book called "Not just friends" in which research makes it quite clear that bad marriage does not equal affair; opportunity = affair.
I'm so sorry you are facing this nonsense with the phone. I hope you have the phone and laptop open now and he is encouraging you to see that there is nothing to worry about.

I agree. I know couples who have loads of sex and appear supportive and get on well. Unfortunately affairs still happen. Some people will cheat no matter how good things are at home. Unfortunately they are the people that text stuff like that to colleagues. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and this has happened. If he is innocent he wouldn't make it 'all about you' which is just defensive behaviour. Good luck.

paddy's_mum

fedupandstuff wrote: »

he was mocking me that i would feel insecure about what he sees as normal.

Please understand that I really feel for you. It's not a nice position to be in but I would be asking him a simple, straight question. It is this;-

what normal woman wouldn't feel insecure when her partner is behaving in such a lewd, inappropriate and offensive manner?

I'd also challenge him to explain to me how it can possibly be 'the norm' if his first instinct is to hide what he is doing? He knows full bluddy well that he is skating on thin ice! If you are selecting apples from the display in Tesco, and someone comes along, do you stop, blurt out oops and scurry away? No, of course you don't ... but you do if plod comes by while you're in someone else's orchard scrumping!

He's not a fool but he obviously thinks you are!

In your shoes, I'd be using his phone to text the woman and let her know how close he is to being slung out on his ear. No doubt she'll be thrilled to have him turning up at her door..not!

I'm sorry for your trouble.

Grumpygit

I have been in a similar situation where my oh was texting an ex - I found one of the messages where he was lying to her, but ended up signing off with "till later text lover"

My oh is by nature very flirty and doesn't see that his actions can cause hurt and distress.

The only good thing was that the recipient was hundreds of miles away so not close enough to worry about (in a certain way). What he did has hurt me terribly and I will never get over it totally. I didn't trust him for a long while and still don't 100% where she is concerned, but I am not going to let her get the better of our relationship. We have discussed this person at length and I know what went on in their youth and what the "pull" is between them. I know that they have occasionally spoken on FB - one conversation quite recently and whilst is was of a sexual nature - it wasn't them flirting or having cyber sex or anything and I was mentioned several times in a positive way I may add (I have read it although he didn't show me)

Whilst I am sure that there are loads of "get rid...dump him" posters around, only you can know what your relationship is like and how you are going to tackle him.

I also felt that I couldn't tell him not to contact her or not do it (at that time) he had to work that out for himself and he did and has (no texts/calls).

You know him and only you know if you can put up with how he is.

The only thing that I would say (and it has been said) is that he really has to watch what he says/puts as it could be classed as harrassment and he may find himself in very hot water if he is doing this on the works email system - these things are recorded and kept - he could end up losing his job (or worse)

Do you know the person involved??

Dave101t

As a man, i would say he is thinking about, or definately, messing you around. dont talk about it, just leave.
I dont have female friends i text, but if i did, i would let the wife read every one.

bright_side

I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but this is absolutely not acceptable. Get shot, before you have to come on here asking what to do cos you've found out he's been cheating on you!!!

determined_new_ms

I have just read this whole thread and overwhelming agree with the majority of poster. This is so inappropriate and over the line, I cannot even see the line!

The only time I have ever talked sauce to someone via text or emais is someone I am in a sexual relationship or am about to embark on one.

It does not matter the wheres and wherefores, this is not rigt for you and you need to draw that line.

When I first got with my oh he had been singe for several years and was into !!!!!! (I found out later on). at the beginnig of our relationship I we agreed to be exclusive. For me that meant saving myself sexually for him exclusively. I then discovered he felt getting off regularly over women on the internet. This was NOT acceptable to me, and I know many other women who wouldn't have a problem with it. But for me when I said "exclusively" it did not mean "except for the millions of women on the internet. I personally get off on a real person, flirting, the thrill of the chase but I gave that up to be with him. So bottom line was this isn't ok for me and if it is no longer exclusive then whey hey I'll also get my thrills outside of our relationship and we'll see where it goes. He decided no he wanted to be with me. Its your life and you define the rules, he decides to except them or not. You need to have respect for what is and isn't ok for you and draw that line. if he doesn't want that then the consequence is he can't be with you. If you don't draw your boundary then he will walk all over you.