My husband has committed Adultery

LouLou

poker21, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. How on earth anyone can treat their partner like this..I'll never know. Sometimes life is imperfect, but you've got to do the right thing..he should have faced up to his situation, shown some cojones.

And The Milkman, how DARE you post such smug nonsense to someone who is hurting. Next you'll be announcing you're a sex addict as another stupid "excuse". Bad behaviour is bad behaviour. A weak person is a weak person. Don't dress it up.

You're a sentient being and you make choices. End of. Not your pen!s. Men like you make my blood boil.

poker21

Hey Lou lou
our family was so perfect, I was extremely grateful for everything we had and for my kids they adored him, they are so heart broken and it's so painful to see.
We had 11 years together (3 years living together before we got married) you think you would know someone having been together so long, but you don't
I feel betrayed, humiliated, so many emotions, can't think, can't sleep, I picture them together every moment I'm awake
It's like torture

LouLou

I really feel for you. I wish I could help...betrayal from someone you trust is like a physical wound. It's horrific

Surround yourself with good people and keep strong for your family. You know you deserve better than this, so please, try not to torture yourself, I know it's hard.

He SHOULD be feeling guilty!!! And taking responsibility for his behaviour, facing up to you and the children. Try to keep in touch with your anger when making decisions..defend yourself and your family. I know at times it's tempting to hide from it all when it's too much. You'll get there once you know what you're dealing with.

Not very warm hearted I know, but I truly believe that karma gets people in the end.

poker21

off to bed now
Thank you all.

Good night and god bless x

Pollycat

Poker
I'm going to concentrate of the practical things, rather than the emotional side.

It sounds to me that he has made his choice.

You need advice on where you stand financially and about the house.

Get an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau.
Some GP surgeries have CAB staff come on a certain day and you can get in quicker than normal.

Are you able to work?
Get down to DWP and sign on for Job Seekers Allowance.

Entitlement to JSA kicks in all sorts of benefits (free school meals, Council Tax Benefit plus Support for Mortgage Interest (SMI) which will pay up to £31 per week of your mortgage interest (not arrears or capital) - there is a 13 week waiting period before payment kicks in though.

poker21 wrote: »

yes, I've been told I should be claiming child tax credit and council tax benefit. Will do that next week

Don't do it next week - do it now!

Then you really need to see a solicitor so you know where you stand with the house.
Why do you say you won't get Legal Aid?

Some solicitors give a free half hour consultation so you could ask some specific questions in that time.

You say you pay the mortgage, can you afford the bills?
Who paid the bills when he lived with you?

If he paid them from his own current account, he may have stopped the direct debit.
You need to check with the providers and change the DDs to your account if you can afford it.

Is there any equity in the house? I'm guessing so from this post - so, how much?

poker21 wrote: »

I bought the house 22 years ago on my own.
My husband and I got married in 2004 and I felt sorry for him with him telling me all his hard luck stories from previous relationships so in 2006 I transferred the house into both our names although I have always been the one that paid the mortgage. I have had it so long that the mortgage is tiny.
I also transferred my redundancy money into his name in 2007.
....and I know what you're all thinking that I have brought this onto myself and that I'm a fool for doing this. Well there you go I'm gonna pay for trying to do a good thing

I don't think you are a fool but you really must must must get legal advice about his entitlement to the house (if any).

HappyMJ wrote: »

You have a child together....you hold all the cards...You can stay in this house until your children leave school. Sorting who pays the mortgage is difficult as if he does not pay it it will eventually be repossessed by the mortgage lender but it will destroy his credit rating and he loses all equity he has accrued in it as well.

I'm not sure this is true anymore. The OP needs clarification from a legal expert.

hazyjo

spadoosh wrote: »

Dunno about the OP but im pretty sure its over! Its not just one mistake is it?!

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, can never be nice catching them. Good luck and hope you come out stronger!

(sorry cant offer much advice)

Just to say, the fact it was 3.5 years doesn't mean the marriage could not have been saved. Personal stuff, but my mum had an 'affair' for over 10 years. Her and my dad are still together and closer than ever (it ended in the mid-'90s). She's been an amazing support to him over the last 5 years - he's been battling various types of cancer, amongst other things.

It doesn't sound good though if the OP's hubby has left already. My ex hubby did that to me. He was full of regret for the next year and begged forgiveness, but still managed to have a child with her in that time. Grrr.

Good luck, OP. As above, make sure you see a solicitor - should get a free half hour or so.

Jx

booma_mitch

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through OP.

I was a family lawyer in a previous life, and all I would say is that family law can be extremely complex and you really need to get some advice. There are so many variables in each case and it is impossible to say without full disclosure what may or may not happen. I know that a lot of people on forums such as this mean well with their advice but much of it is incorrect, or only applies to certain situations. In relation to your immediate situation and need for income, a lot will depend upon how much your husband earns. Although your husband will have no liability to the CSA for child maintenance he may have a responsibility to pay maintenance to you.

Again, in relation to legal fees, there are so many different situations and options. It really would be best to chat to a local solicitor to see what options they have available. We often dealt with (usually) women in your situation, where they didn't work and had no income of their own and there were options available for the funding in their case. But these options were dependent upon different factors such as how much the assets in the case were worth etc.

If I can help at all PM me. x

poker21

booma_mitch wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through OP.

I was a family lawyer in a previous life, and all I would say is that family law can be extremely complex and you really need to get some advice. There are so many variables in each case and it is impossible to say without full disclosure what may or may not happen. I know that a lot of people on forums such as this mean well with their advice but much of it is incorrect, or only applies to certain situations. In relation to your immediate situation and need for income, a lot will depend upon how much your husband earns. Although your husband will have no liability to the CSA for child maintenance he may have a responsibility to pay maintenance to you.

Again, in relation to legal fees, there are so many different situations and options. It really would be best to chat to a local solicitor to see what options they have available. We often dealt with (usually) women in your situation, where they didn't work and had no income of their own and there were options available for the funding in their case. But these options were dependent upon different factors such as how much the assets in the case were worth etc.

If I can help at all PM me. x

Hi booma_mitch
I PM'd you, not sure if it got sent, did you receive a message from me?

pixelation

I'm so sorry to hear about this awful time. After all you did for him...

There is a great forum which I think may give you a lot of emotional support over the coming year.

poker21

another night of no sleep, I seriously need to get a grip.
So need to get over this, a friend told me it took him 18 months to get over his break-up. If this goes on for 18 months I'll probably be sectioned by then