My husband has committed Adultery

DylanO

OP, please ignore all the people encouraging you to commit criminal damage (and then strangely being against sending the letter).

Yes, you're hurt, and when a relationship breaks down it's awful, but you really do need to consider your actions. If you destroy/sell his property then you can be arrested and imprisoned. If you change the locks then he can break in completely legally, and you'll have to pay to put the damage right. If you send the letter then he'll have further proof of your harassment - and turning up at his workplace and demanding he sign legal documents (which actually, they aren't - any court will see that) without having appropriate legal counsel is harassment.

All these things will go against you. Yes, what he did was cruel to you, and the way he went about it, cowardly. But if you think people really care about your relationship then you're mistaken. There are very few people who will hold something like that against him - when it comes down to it, everyone has the right to be happy, and if he's happy with her then isn't there a part of you that's glad? Glad that you're free to pursue your own happiness? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors - that's the phrase everyone will think of when they see both of your actions.

As for the financials - if it's a not a short marriage (five years) then you'll be entitled to a share of his pension, but equally he'll be entitled to some of the house. He already owns 50% of it. I'm not sure why you think you'd be entitled to maintenance from him without getting divorced, or actually even after. It's incredibly rare and you'll have to do what everyone else does and support yourself. Surely you'd rather keep your dignity than live off him?

bugslet

Having been in the same position as you, I fully understand the grief and the fury. Can I just say slow down a bit? You don't have to do anything or make any long term decisions right now. If he doens't like it, well tough. A bit of time and space helps you proceed in a way that suits your best interest.

PS Letter, very bad idea and one day when the world is a sunnier place for you, which it will be, you'll be awful glad you were talked out of it!

Best of luck

booma_mitch

poker21 wrote: »

thanks Caroline, I didn't look at it that way.
Do you think I can claim maintenance without putting in for a divorce.
I have my solicitors appointment next week but just thought I'd ask.
I didn't know I could get any of his pension.

Thanks

No you can't. An application for interim maintenance can only be made within divorce proceedings. Whilst it is true to say that maintenance for wives is certainly not a feature in many divorces, I have no idea of the facts in this case and therefore it can't be ruled out. Whilst the court does encourage a clean break and "standing on your own two feet" the circumstances of a case can make that approach incredibly unfair. Your solicitor will be able to advise you further, as it may be very clear cut that this is not a case where maintenance would be appropriate. I don't want to get your hopes up without knowing the facts, but I also don't want you to think that maintenance is something that never happens. Many of the cases that I used to deal with featured some sort of spousal maintenance.

poker21

He came and picked up most of his stuff today.
It was really strange because knowing he was coming over I was shaking like a leaf but when he got here it was just like doing a transaction in a shop when you're buying something.
I didn't feel angry or hurt, did feel disgusted though, just looking at him and picturing them two together. A real sickening feeling.
I didn't really know how I was going to react, but at least I didn't embarrass myself by begging him to come back.
I still do love him so very much but I can face him and not show my feelings.
He also said again about the house transfer back in my name and he genuinely said yes he is happy to do that.

Pollycat

It sounds like you did well when you came face-to-face with him, so be proud of yourself for that. :T

Re the house - I would make this your priority when you see your solicitor on the 21st.

If he's agreeable to xfer his half of the house back to you legally, get it done pdq.
If he is living in a flat with his OW, you never what what she's whispering in his ear about what he's entitled to.

Have you had a rethink about not claiming any benefits that you are entitled to?

poker21

I know everyone means well and my friends have been telling me to do it as well and I understand I am entitled to benefits, but I really can't bring myself to claim.
It is on my list of things to do, be it down the bottom.
But please don't stop giving me advice because I'm not claiming. You people on this thread have no idea how much you've helped me in the last few weeks. You have been there for me when I've needed to rant on and I so appreciate that

Pollycat

It's your own personal choice about claiming benefits.

If it were me, and I was entitled to claim benefits, I would do so.

I worked for 33 years, paying a reasonable amount of tax and NI so I think if I met the criteria then why not claim.
You worked too.

I don't think anyone will stop giving you advice for not claiming benefits, or for any other reason.
We like hearing the sound of our own voices (or should that be keyboard tapping?) too much. :rotfl:

Take care - and do spend some time preparing for your solicitor's appointment.
Talking about things that have happened, especially with a stranger, can be overwhelming and you need to make sure you get answers.
Make a list of questions and take a pad and make notes.
If you don't understand anything she says, ask her to clarify.
Take someone with you if possible - your daughter?

poker21

please tell me your thoughts on this.

If I hire a private investigator now before I put in for divorce to get some damning photographic evidence against him will that help my case.

When I spoke to the solicitor she was pushing for me to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour rather than Adultery but I want to divorce him on the grounds of adultery.

What does everyone out there think?

hazyjo

Choose 'unreasonable behaviour'. I think you have to anyway - if the affair's been going on for more than 6 months, I'm sure you're deemed to have 'accepted' it (yes, I know, I know...).

Don't bother naming her if you can go for adultery. Solicitors will advise against it - as do all online help pages. Not worth the added hassle. No good to anyone. I know it'd make you feel better, but the fact he's the reason behind your divorce is/should be enough. You can tell everyone he committed adultery, you don't need written proof. Nobody will ever look at your divorce papers to see the reason behind it.

Good luck.

Jx

robpw2

poker21 wrote: »

please tell me your thoughts on this.

If I hire a private investigator now before I put in for divorce to get some damning photographic evidence against him will that help my case.

When I spoke to the solicitor she was pushing for me to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour rather than Adultery but I want to divorce him on the grounds of adultery.

What does everyone out there think?

you don't need a private investigator as you know about the adultery and he has admitted to it

if your solictior is advising you to go for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour then i would advise you to listen .