I've no-one to talk to....

weeze210

euronorris wrote: »

Oh OP, a lot of what you have written has resonated with me.

I'm glad you are going to the GP. I think a referral to a counseller and having someone to talk these things through with will help you so much. I know it has been helping me immensely.

It's helped me to recognise that I am a people pleaser. Partly because I want the people in my live to be happy, and partly because I hate it when people are upset with me. It hurts me and I feel so guilty. I put so much value on other's peoples feelings and completely neglect my own. And I think you are doing the same here.

It's difficult at first, but you can make some positive changes to improve things, change your own bad habits and value your own feelings more.

I had to do it, and there have been issues, and OH wasn't being terribly supportive. He's had his own stresses, and suffers with anxiety in social situations, so he just kinda locked himself in his own little protective bubble, playing on the computer, refusing to go out etc. Not healthy for him, and made things worse for me.

I plucked up the courage to stand up for myself over some issues a few times, but it didn't seem to really sink in to him how bad I was feeling, and how much things needed to change. Too wrapped up in himself and his own problems. I always seemed to give in and go along with what he wanted, to keep him happy, and disregarded my own feelings. Tried to convince myself I was happy with it too, and everyone else, even people on here (which I feel so silly about).

Things came to a head this week and I finally said enough, I'm leaving, I can't do this anymore I feel so alone, and I'm beginning to think we want different things. This appears to have been his wake up call, and we have been talking A LOT over the last few days, and he's already started to follow through on some of the promises made (he's been doing the housework with a smile on his face (rather than moaning and pouting), we went for a walk last night after work (something he had previously refused to do) and we both enjoyed it). He recognises that he let things continue, and be pushed to one side when he shouldn't have. And he's accepted that I have made a h*ll of a lot of sacrafices for him already, and now it's time for me to have some of the things that will make me happy (these aren't material, to be clear). And, it seems that he's reconsidered Marriage in the last 6 months or so, and is happy to do this now because he recognises how important it is to me, even if it the peice of paper doesn't mean a great deal to him. This is something I tried to convince myself and others of, that I didn't want. That isn't true. It is important to me. I'm not going to rush in and do it, with things as they are, but to know he now wants it too and will do it is huge for me.

So I'm feeling more positive now. And I'm taking a weekend out in the UK, with my family, so I can recharge my batteries and get a little space for both of us to think about things and how we will move forward together. He'll also be clearing out a lot his junk from the flat that is cluttering the place up and driving me crazy!!!

But none of this would've happened if I hadn't said something, and stood up for myself, and continue to stand up for myself (I'm very wary of just relaxing too much about it and things would then quickly go back to how they were). I think you need to learn how to value your own feelings, and stand up for yourself too. It was scary, but well worth it.

Oh yes, and I turned to my friends and family for support, to talk things through with them and they have been so, so, so wonderful. Far better than I ever expected. But again, they could only do that when they knew there was a problem and I needed their help. You have to reach out to them and tell them. If you sit and expect things, without talking, you will be left permanently disappointed and feeling less and less loved which isn't going to help things.

I hope this doesn't sound too much about me, I just wanted you to have an example so you know that a) you're not alone and b) you can change things for the better.

The doctor's appt is a good first step. For you, and your son's sake, I would suggest that you take him and yourself off out for a walk once he's home from school. Get some fresh air, get some exercise, and get out of the house! Believe me, it will help. It won't fix everything, obviously, but it is a good first step.

Secondly, I would start looking at local groups in your area. Hobbies that your interested in where you could meet like minded people, or get on the meetup.com website to meet other new people in your area and make some friends.

And your husband....he needs to step up and start taking a more pro-active and supportive role. And you need to tell him that, and how bad things are for you. He can work on getting the bathroom fixed this weekend, and after that, he can start looking for another job. Sorry, but that other place has messed him around. November is too far away to wait for a permanent, steady source of income. And IF that job ever does materialise, he can always leave whatever job he has found in the meantime. But he needs to start making decisions that are best for the whole family, and not just him. Otherwise, I would suggest he can go back to being single, as that is the only way his decisions would be acceptable IMO. But, if you haven't voiced how unhappy you are, he probably thinks everything's OK and you're happy to go along with things. It's time to speak up!

Good luck.

I too don't like to upset people and hate the thought that I might have upset someone. I never speak up for myself because a) I like to make others happy, b) I don't like coflict and would hate an argument , even a small one, c) I always get upset and can't get my point across and d) don't like to talk about how I'm feeling.

I have been to the Dr and she has prescribed "Sertraline" and I'm to go back in a month, I've actually made the appointment. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone but I don't feel this is for me and I really don't like talking about my feelings face to face with someone. This might be part of the problem. She has given me a perscription for some books about depression which the library are getting for me which she thinks might help.

I don't have any hobbies or interests so don't know what clubs I could go too? I left school, went to college and had my first son half way through and thats all I've ever known. I never even went to a house party as a teenager or hung about outside shops of an evening. I worked had and then was a mom, I don't know any other life and don't know what to do or what I'd find interesting. I have started to read fiction books from the library and they do help me escape for a while.

Thankyou everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I will try and have a proper conversation with my husband if he gets back at a reasonable time. As I am going "home" for the weekend I'll try and use that to recarge and relax. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better after that.

Off to see my son's teacher at 1 which is another concern. I feel so guilty that I shouldn't have moved him and its all my fault that he's not getting on at school.

Been to vets and at least the puppys paw is healing and it should be our last visit on tuesday, fingers crossed.

HeatherintheHills

weeze210 wrote: »

I don't mind spending time on my own, I quiet like being alone but not all the time. When we moved the idea was that hubby was going to work at the bike school friday, saturday and sunday and possibly a day in the week and then he'd be here during most of the week so we'd be able to do the house up quiet quickly. It hasn't worked out like that as I've said before he is away being an electrician all week in Liverpool and then comes home and works at the bike school all weekend for a few quid.
He came home last night, had his tea then dissapeared to his workshop to clean a bike and get his kit ready, that I had washed and dried! Then it was bedtime. He could have stayed in Liverpool working today but instead chose to do a bike school instead. The proper job pays about 3x what bike school pays. He'll be home tonight as he has to take the dog with him tomorrow as I'm going back home but have to take the dog to the vet for a check up today otherwise he would have taken the dog today and stayed there all weekend. This is what normally happens when there are bike schools all weekend. I don't think he's working monday so I'll be putting my foot down hopefully about the bathroom. He realised I was upset this morning and said it won't always be like this and there will be some kind of job for me when it all gets sorted with the bike school and he is working full time there. He asked if I still love him and I said "at the moment no" he stood looking thoughtful for a couple of minutes and then said "bye" and left. I'm now going to phone the Dr and take the dog for a walk then to the vets. Got appointment to see son's teacher at 1 o'clock. Not sure what to expect but hopefully I won't cry.

Doctors appointment at 9.30.

OP, I'm confused! Are you saying that your OP is working away in Liverpool during the week then working away from home agin at the bike school? I thought that you had moved to be near the bike school, so why does he have to be away from home then? Are you alone almost all of the time? How many nights does he spend away from home in an average week?

To leave you without a bathroom all through the winter, when it isn't inconveniencing him is totally selfish. He asks if you love him but he doesn't love you enough to give up a couple of days at the bike school to ensure you are comfortable in your home? You have thrush and you cannot take a bath or a shower? I'm incandescent with rage on your behalf, what kind of a monster does that to someone he is supposed to love and who has sacrificed so much for him?

I'm sorry, that guy needs a massive wakeup call. Tell him he isn't going to bike school this weekend, he is doing the bathroom. Full stop. If he says you need the money ask him why he sacrificed 2/3 of his earnings to do bike school instead of his Liverpool job today, if money is so short. One Liverpool day = 3 bike school days so he can forget that argument.

OP, it is time for you to grow a pair.

I hope the GP appointment went OK?

euronorris

weeze210 wrote: »

I too don't like to upset people and hate the thought that I might have upset someone. I never speak up for myself because a) I like to make others happy, b) I don't like coflict and would hate an argument , even a small one, c) I always get upset and can't get my point across and d) don't like to talk about how I'm feeling.

I have been to the Dr and she has prescribed "Sertraline" and I'm to go back in a month, I've actually made the appointment. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone but I don't feel this is for me and I really don't like talking about my feelings face to face with someone. This might be part of the problem. She has given me a perscription for some books about depression which the library are getting for me which she thinks might help.

I don't have any hobbies or interests so don't know what clubs I could go too? I left school, went to college and had my first son half way through and thats all I've ever known. I never even went to a house party as a teenager or hung about outside shops of an evening. I worked had and then was a mom, I don't know any other life and don't know what to do or what I'd find interesting. I have started to read fiction books from the library and they do help me escape for a while.

Thankyou everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I will try and have a proper conversation with my husband if he gets back at a reasonable time. As I am going "home" for the weekend I'll try and use that to recarge and relax. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better after that.

Off to see my son's teacher at 1 which is another concern. I feel so guilty that I shouldn't have moved him and its all my fault that he's not getting on at school.

Been to vets and at least the puppys paw is healing and it should be our last visit on tuesday, fingers crossed.

I know you will find talking about your problems hard at first (of course you do, you've not done it for such a long, long time, it must seem very scary), BUT, I do think that it will be very beneficial for you. If there are times when you don't feel like talking, especially at the start, that's OK. You can just take the time there to cry and let out some of the emotions.

Why don't you start by writing down how you feel? A lot like you have here. You could use that to help you organise your thoughts and feelings, and also to articulate how you're feeling to your husband and any counsellor you might see. It's a starting point. Confrontation isn't nice, but is the alternative (how you're feeling right now), really any better?

As for hobbies, if you don't know what you like, it's time to start trying out different things to find out what you do like. You could do a search for groups in your area, pick a few at random and ask if you could come along for a taster to see if it's something that will suit you.

Good luck with your son's appointment x

Caroline_a

Hi OP, hope you are feeling a little more positive - you will get lots of support on here!

A small suggestion for you - you have a pup, so why don't you see if there are any dog training classes in the area? I went to training classes with my older dog, and met someone who has turned out to be a really good friend, the dogs adore each other, and we walk our dogs together (we both have 2 each now) usually once a week.

Of course, the added bonus is that the dog learns too!!

weeze210

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

OP, I'm confused! Are you saying that your OP is working away in Liverpool during the week then working away from home agin at the bike school? I thought that you had moved to be near the bike school, so why does he have to be away from home then? Are you alone almost all of the time? How many nights does he spend away from home in an average week?

To leave you without a bathroom all through the winter, when it isn't inconveniencing him is totally selfish. He asks if you love him but he doesn't love you enough to give up a couple of days at the bike school to ensure you are comfortable in your home? You have thrush and you cannot take a bath or a shower? I'm incandescent with rage on your behalf, what kind of a monster does that to someone he is supposed to love and who has sacrificed so much for him?

I'm sorry, that guy needs a massive wakeup call. Tell him he isn't going to bike school this weekend, he is doing the bathroom. Full stop. If he says you need the money ask him why he sacrificed 2/3 of his earnings to do bike school instead of his Liverpool job today, if money is so short. One Liverpool day = 3 bike school days so he can forget that argument.

OP, it is time for you to grow a pair.

I hope the GP appointment went OK?

He says he has to do the bike thing as he doesn't want to let them down and it will be worth it when the 'new and improved bike school opens in November'. He sees it as investing time now to gain a full time job in the future. I thought it was all a good idea before we moved but the reality isn't what I imagined.
The bathroom was ripped out a few weeks ago and he did manage to put the bath in very late on sunday night so at least I have had a bath now. But its a building site, cold and not very nice. Always going outside to the toilet, especially in recent weather is just horrible. I know years ago people had outside toilets but they didn't know any different. I wish I had never left my lovely house with its huge kitchen and lovely bathroom and gorgeous shower. I'm not happy, the kids aren't happy and its all my fault.
I had a dream last night that I had sold this house and bought my old house back. I woke up and looked at my wardrobes and thought where am I going to put them when we move back, as the old house has built in ones, then remembered I wasn't moving.
I have been thinking of ways to move back but I'm scared of starting again and will I be happier?
If we we sell this house and split up he's intitled to half, even though the other house was mine and my critical illness insurance paid the mortgage off, that won't leave much to buy a new house. And there is a small mortgage to pay on here.
What a mess, there doesn't seem to be an answer.

weeze210

Caroline_a wrote: »

Hi OP, hope you are feeling a little more positive - you will get lots of support on here!

A small suggestion for you - you have a pup, so why don't you see if there are any dog training classes in the area? I went to training classes with my older dog, and met someone who has turned out to be a really good friend, the dogs adore each other, and we walk our dogs together (we both have 2 each now) usually once a week.

Of course, the added bonus is that the dog learns too!!

I have considered this but how do I find out if there is anything around?

LittleMoog

weeze210 wrote: »

I have started to read fiction books from the library and they do help me escape for a while.

Since you like to read, and use the library regularly, why not see if they run any book groups - they've probably got a notices board with all sorts of local groups etc on.
I think a book group is a great way of meeting people and finding new/interesting books to read Initially you could just go to the group, but if you strike up a conversation with people and would like to see them again, suggest a coffee after the group, or later in the week?

euronorris

weeze210 wrote: »

He says he has to do the bike thing as he doesn't want to let them down and it will be worth it when the 'new and improved bike school opens in November'. He sees it as investing time now to gain a full time job in the future. I thought it was all a good idea before we moved but the reality isn't what I imagined.
The bathroom was ripped out a few weeks ago and he did manage to put the bath in very late on sunday night so at least I have had a bath now. But its a building site, cold and not very nice. Always going outside to the toilet, especially in recent weather is just horrible. I know years ago people had outside toilets but they didn't know any different. I wish I had never left my lovely house with its huge kitchen and lovely bathroom and gorgeous shower. I'm not happy, the kids aren't happy and its all my fault.
I had a dream last night that I had sold this house and bought my old house back. I woke up and looked at my wardrobes and thought where am I going to put them when we move back, as the old house has built in ones, then remembered I wasn't moving.
I have been thinking of ways to move back but I'm scared of starting again and will I be happier?
If we we sell this house and split up he's intitled to half, even though the other house was mine and my critical illness insurance paid the mortgage off, that won't leave much to buy a new house. And there is a small mortgage to pay on here.
What a mess, there doesn't seem to be an answer.

You need to tell him that currently, he's letting you and your son down and he's not investing in you or your Marriage and that needs to change. He can start by fitting the toilet and sorting the bathroom completely. Spell it out for him, ie 'If you don't do this, then I have to leave for mine and my son's sake. You are not the only person in this relationship, and you are not the only one who has needs to be fulfilled in order to be happy'.

Write it down if needs be, so you can refer to it if you become upset and all of a sudden find your thoughts and arguments all over the place (the same thing happens to me. I get upset, then can't remember the strong points I had to make!).

If he isn't willing to do something then, then it may be best to cut your losses, pack up and leave. Could you stay with family or friends at first? Have you asked? You don't need to have all of the answers right away, and you don't need to fix everything in one day, so try not to pressure yourself so much.

And please, please stop beating yourself up about your perceived mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Nothing is permanent and everything changes at some point. All of this can be fixed, one way or another, and that's what matters now.

If you're finding it hard to stop feeling guilty, ask yourself: Is feeling guilty helping me, my son, or helping to change/improve this situation?

Caroline_a

weeze210 wrote: »

I have considered this but how do I find out if there is anything around?

I would try the Kennel Club Good Citizen scheme first - link here, it's a good start for any dog, and teaches you useful things, rather than making your dog into a robot! Alternatively just Google 'dog training' and the name of your village/town and it might bring something up.

You might also think of gundog training as you have a Springer. Link to Gundog Club is here.

Gigervamp

If you're living in Llanwddyn as your location says, I've found a newsletter here. It looks like there are lots of activities and there is a street party on June 2nd. Take a look.