I've no-one to talk to....

weeze210

A bit of background,
I've moved to wales with my husband and my son who's just 11. My husband isn't my sons dad although he's been in his life since my son was 4. My daughter (18) decided to stay in stafford and found herself a house share and stayed at college.
We have moved to wales because my husband spent every weekend here helping in an off road motorbike school. He was promised a job with the school if we moved here which hasn't happened yet but is in the pipeline I'm led to beleieve. He still helps out at weekends though and does get paid for it. He is an electrician by trade and has had to work away in the week to pay the bills.
We have ben here since september and at first my son was enjoying school although he still wanted to move back "home". I have noticed lately he's not interested in anything except his xbox so he can talk to his old mates I think. He doesn't eat his lunch at school and then comes home and says he doesn't want any tea. I do make him eat his tea though as he wants chocolate but I don't let him until he's eaten his tea. I have just phoned school and arranged to go in and see his teacher tomorrow without my son knowing. Hie teacher said he was glad I had phoned as he also has concerns that he seems very disinterested in class.
To add to this I am already feeling very low as I'm stuck here on my own.
The dog cut his foot and i had to tke him to the vet and subsiquent follow up appointments, he is a springer and only 12mths old and driving me mad as he's only allowed a couple of short walks.
I have no bathroom, only an outside toilet as hubby ripped it all out to re-do but hasn't had time to put the new one in yet so thats all over the spare room. The boxes are all open and bits everywhere but I dearn't move anything.
My daughter has been evicted and has moved in with her boyfriends mom, I'm really worried about her.
I have a large family but none of them ever phone or visit. I thought we were close but I now realise it was me doing all the phoneing and visits.
I have recurrent thrush every month before my period, this started when I was pregnant with my son (who's 11) and has got worse and worse and is proberly 10 or 11 times a year in the week before my period.
I can't cope anymore and cry alot here on my own. I've even sorted what will happen to my son if I'm not here anymore. x

Judith_W

Didn't want to read and run <<<hugs>>>

Mojisola

Looking at the background to this - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3381706 - they'll be quite a few posters who won't be surprised at your current position.

Tackle the easily remedied things first - OH is given an ultimatum about getting the bathroom sorted asap. No compromises.

Talk to the teacher about your son and see what the school can suggest.

fluffnutter

Ooh, lovey, it's not until I got to your last sentence that the important thing jumped out... you're a bit depressed (understandably so). Moving can be very stressful and it can take a year or so to settle.

There's one overriding thing that you must do before you can start looking at how to improve your life... go to your GP and talk about how low you feel. Feeling you can't cope, crying a lot and thinking about who will care for your son if you're not around are symptoms of depression and you don't have to suffer them or think they're normal. They're common, but they're not 'normal'.

It's also important to realise that when you're depressed you can't tackle other problems in your life because you don't have the right perspective. Everything feels overwhelming and it's difficult to make the right decisions about things.

I'm thinking about the points you've raised but I can't get past thinking that you need to resolve how low you feel before you tackle anything else. I think you'll feel able to cope more with, for example, the bathroom issue if you felt happier.

What might be useful is to try to prioritise what's really upsetting you (if you can). To my mind, the most important thing is your son's happiness and your own. Things like the bathroom and the dog are less important, even your daughter might be far more cheerful than you realise - she's being well looked after (I assume) by her boyfriend's mum and things might not be as bad as you think.

Go see your son's teacher; hopefully this will make you feel happier and more supported. Realise that he's finding the move difficult (as you are) but in time will become happier. He's also probably picking up on the fact that you're so low. Have you tried talking to him?

Talk to your husband. It's important that you support each other, and he needs to know you're feeling low. Hopefully he can reassure you about his job, the bathroom and that things will get generally better.

Go to the doctors, not just because you're depressed but because of your recurrent thrush. It is NOT normal to have thrush every month and this needs to be investigated. Ask for a referral to a gynaecologist and also ask for a check for diabetes as this can often cause recurrent thrush (if it is indeed thrush - you might have been misdiagnosed, that's why it's important to see a gynaecologist).

There are other things that will help you cheer up, namely getting out and about and involved in your community, meeting people and having a job. But first things first; you need to sort your health out before you do anything else.

WestonDave

I think I can recall when this move was suggested!

The crux of the problem is that you have moved yourself and your son for a lifestyle change which only suits your husband. He was the one who wanted to play motorbikes, and now has his way, whilst you are suffering without social contact and without a bathroom, whilst your son is clearly struggling at school.

I seem to recall that you've moved to rural mid Wales where communities tend to be fairly tight knit and sometimes hard for outsiders to penetrate - which may account for both you and your son being unhappy with no social circle.

To put it bluntly you have two options - put yourself and your son first and head back to family or in conjunction with your husband make a worthwhile life for all of you where you are. He needs to stop playing big kid on a bike and get the house fit for human habitation! You probably need to find some means of levering yourself into the community - first chance is when you go to see the teacher - ask if there is anyway you could volunteer to help our in the school. If you start to have a role/contribution in the local community it will break down the barriers and people will stop telling their kids to ignore the new boy (if that is what's happening).

In short you need to have some crisis talks with your husband - he's got his dream but at the expense of a nightmare for you and the boy. If he wants to keep it, he needs to make some compromises - either to be there alone or to help make your lives worth living.

19lottie82

Hi OP, sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment, it doesn't sound much fun.

I'm not meaning to sound judgemental but can i just ask, why did your OH quit a job and ship the family to another country, when he didn't have another secure job lined up? It doesn't really make sense......

But anyway, back to the practical issues.....

Can you try and invite some of the kids from your sons new class round one weekend, or after school? Or can he join any clubs?

Put your foot down w ur OH re the bathroom. Having to go use an outside loo because he CBA to finish off his DIY is NOT acceptable.

If your son is of school age, can't you try to get a p/t job? This would bhelp you make new friends and bring in some extra £££.

Mojisola

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm thinking about the points you've raised but I can't get past thinking that you need to resolve how low you feel before you tackle anything else. I think you'll feel able to cope more with, for example, the bathroom issue if you felt happier.

When you're depressed, it's easy to get into a downwards loop - the depression reduces your motivation and stuff like not having a bathroom increases your depression.

Some stuff is longer term but things like unpacking boxes and sorting out the bathroom can be remedied in a very short time. Having some problems sorted is bound to lift the spirits.

If you aren't going to abandon everything and head "home" then, while you're talking to the GP and the school, make some practical changes. Set a target of a box a day. Give your OH a date when the bathroom has to be functioning.

Does he know how bad things are for you? What is he doing to help you?

weeze210

Thankyou for taking the time and effort to reply.
I am seeing my son's teacher tomorrow at 1. I am also going to the vet for the dogs check up, they still haven't told me how much this is going to cost, aparently they don't know till the end as it depends on teatment recieved so I won't get a bill till tuesday.
Money is also a worry as we have gone from no mortgage to a small one hence why my husband is working away as its the only work he can get.
I use to work, 11 till 3 in a supermarket down the road, and my daughter would look after her brother during the school holidays. I obviously can't do that now.
I have had the thrush investigated and its definately thrush but they didn't come up with any explanation as to why it keeps coming back. I had my hormones checked and a full blood test and nothing showed up. At least perscriptions are free here in wales but its such a pain and a hike to get to the doctors. I will phone and see if they can fit me in tomorrow as I've got to go all the way to the nearest town with the dog and to the school.
Just been in my greenhouse and the recent bad weather has blown all the seedling trays off the shelves. The greenhouse is only a plastic one as its all I could afford and itwas an attempt at finding a hobby. I'm so upset I've just left it in a mangled heap.
I've spoken to my husband already and he does assure me that it will all get sorted soon. But his soon is november and thats just too far away. The greenhouse was bought while he was with me and was his attempt at "helping".
I just picked up the phone to talk to someone and realised I've got no-one to talk too

weeze210

19lottie82 wrote: »

Hi OP, sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment, it doesn't sound much fun.

I'm not meaning to sound judgemental but can i just ask, why did your OH quit a job and ship the family to another country, when he didn't have another secure job lined up? It doesn't really make sense......
Put your foot down w ur OH re the bathroom. Having to go use an outside loo because he CBA to finish off his DIY is NOT acceptable. QUOTE]

We thought the job was lined up but the other partner in the buisness has put her foot down and employed her brother-in-law as he lost his job at the same time. The buisness is undergoing changes at the mo and the other partner is going to be leaving in November hence the new full time position will become available.
Re the CBA about the bathroom he is working all week and then at bike school all weekend so doesn't have time.

traleegirl

If I were you I would go back home to your family, find a little house for you and BOTH your children and go back to work.
Let your husband sort out the mess he has created in Wales......how can a man rip out the bathroom in the family home knowing he won't have time to repair it?

19lottie82

weeze210 wrote: »

I use to work, 11 till 3 in a supermarket down the road, and my daughter would look after her brother during the school holidays. I obviously can't do that now.

I'd be very suprised if your sons school didn't run some kind of school holiday club.

No wonder you're depressed sitting in the house all day yourself, I think most people would feel that way. I've said it already but I really think if you got a p/t job you'd feel a lot better about things. Your self esteem would improve, you'd get to meet new people, make new friends and have some extra cash to treat yourself and your son. Go for it!