leaving children for 6 months

quantumleap

Kimberley82 wrote: »

I can guarantee you I havnt made up my mind yet, but if you want to think that fine, I am not asking for your approval.

I asked here not so much to get veiws but to see if there were things people would say that would give me ideas, things to think about etc which it has done so I am very gratful for that.

I do struggle to write down what I want to get across, that is part of my learning disability so maybe I am not coming across in the right way but as I said it doesnt matter as the opinions on an internet forum arent really important.

Do me a favour Kimberley, don't start throwing the learning disability into the mix at this late stage.


I'm merely pointing out that people have expressed opinions and throughout you've been pretty adamant about the job. At no point have you suggested in your posts that you wanted to do anything other than go - hence my opinion that you'd already made up your mind.


You say you haven't so fair enough - as you say you aren't asking for my approval. In terms of opinions on an internet forum not being important - again fair point but it does pose the question of why ask in the first place if you are going to completely ignore all opinions that differ from the one you want to hear.


As I've said before, I wish you well with your decision. I hope you make the correct one for both yourself and your family.

Kimberley82

quantumleap wrote: »

Do me a favour Kimberley, don't start throwing the learning disability into the mix at this late stage.


I'm merely pointing out that people have expressed opinions and throughout you've been pretty adamant about the job. At no point have you suggested in your posts that you wanted to do anything other than go - hence my opinion that you'd already made up your mind.


You say you haven't so fair enough - as you say you aren't asking for my approval. In terms of opinions on an internet forum not being important - again fair point but it does pose the question of why ask in the first place if you are going to completely ignore all opinions that differ from the one you want to hear.


As I've said before, I wish you well with your decision. I hope you make the correct one for both yourself and your family.

I am not throwing anything in, I am explaining that I dont always put my point across very well.

I also said why I asked in my last post, There has been things that have been mentioned on here that we have discussed and it has made me think about things I hadnt before.

Welshwoofs

Person_one wrote: »

Argh, what a pain. I've found a ton of journal articles about how separation from parents can cause long term psychological damage in young children, but I'm accessing them from my uni network so I can't figure out how to post links that you can see from outside it.

Suffice it to say, it seems that although its not 100% guaranteed that a separation like this will cause problems down the line, the risk is higher than if the family stays together.

If you have the name of the journel/paper I can probably find it online I have read 'Boarding School Sundrome: Broken Attachments A Hidden Trauma' but the issue I had with it is that it's based on the observations of adults who sought help from pyschologists. The obvious issue there is that you're only going to seek help from a psychologist if you have a problem and if you don't have a problem you won't - so there's no statistical comparison between the number of people who came out of such a background well-adjusted and the number of people who had problems.

I'd also say that the few studies I've read are based on the effects of single-parent households and that's not really what we're talking about here. We're talking about a 2 parent household where one is away for 6 months. I do honestly think that makes a massive difference because, if the marriage is stable, those parents can be united in their approach and plan communication as much as possible.

I'm not saying it will work for everyone, but neither do I think it will damage everyone and if it will benefit the family as a whole then it could be a risk worth taking.

Kimberley82

FatVonD wrote: »

At what level are you currently working in the UK? Would you not consider getting your own salon or taking some management courses to work towards that (maybe that's what uni is for?) I don't know a lot about hairdressing but I do know that the only ones that seem to be making good money are the owners?

I do want my own salon, but im not in the possition to right now, the plan is to in 5 years, I have just finished a course on managment the uni degree is more to do with hairdressing.

Lunar_Eclipse

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Op - you're not selfish and certainly not spiteful. There seems to be a bit of a trend in thinking these days that you have to martyr yourself upon the pyre of child-rearing and do absolutely nothing for yourself..and if you do, well then you're a selfish biatch aren't you.

Since I raised it, I'm going to comment. There should be some positives associated in taking the job, but given the circumstances, it is beyond reasonable doubt that going away for six months will upset and distress the children (which is what being spiteful means.) This doesn't mean the children will be psychologically damaged in the long term, although there is a slim chance as with everything, but to assume they won't suffer any angst, assuming they have a normal, loving parental relationship with their mother is silly.

This also doesn't mean it makes anyone a bad parent. I find all the extremes people assume on this board so frustrating. It really loses the impact of what sometimes are very valid comments.

Personally, the martyr comment has riled me. Since when is parenting an either/or scenario? Parenting shouldn't be about either the parents ruling the family unit in an authoritarian, highly disciplinarian fashion or give in totally to the children. There is lots of middle ground, which is where many people actually live (and you'll have noticed them on this thread.) I believe in everyone in the family unit having a voice. We are individual and collective when we become a family. There's no hope for the next generation if they aren't listened to and treated with the respect every individual deserves.

Is it really not possible to be a fully devoted parent AND do things for yourself? Of course it is.

As ever, it simply comes down to one's values and priorities in life (at the time: they can change.) That's ultimately how the OP is going to reach her decision on whether to take this job.

Spendless

Kimberley - you seem from the answers you have given to have thought it thru. From what you've said, the probs with your husband and child have been worked thru satisfactorily, your husband is either taking an equal or lion's share of childcare, since you are no longer the main carer and the probs you had with childcare on weekends with work shifts have been resolved and you have a support network. Your kids know about it and are ok with it and your husband is not only supportive, he has actively encouraged you to apply for the job, so I've got to ask what made you start the thread asking? Validation? Other people's experiences? I'm just intrigued.

busiscoming2

I haven't read al the posts but in my opinion you shouldn't go.

You chose to have children (with your partner) and you both should look after them. They need you and if you go will probably never believe you won't go away again.

What's to say you won't enjoy it so much that when you come back you will have changed and be restless to do it all again.

You can't act like a single person while you have the responsibility of bringing up children.

Your children come first.

Person_one

Welshwoofs wrote: »

If you have the name of the journel/paper I can probably find it online I have read 'Boarding School Sundrome: Broken Attachments A Hidden Trauma' but the issue I had with it is that it's based on the observations of adults who sought help from pyschologists. The obvious issue there is that you're only going to seek help from a psychologist if you have a problem and if you don't have a problem you won't - so there's no statistical comparison between the number of people who came out of such a background well-adjusted and the number of people who had problems.

I'd also say that the few studies I've read are based on the effects of single-parent households and that's not really what we're talking about here. We're talking about a 2 parent household where one is away for 6 months. I do honestly think that makes a massive difference because, if the marriage is stable, those parents can be united in their approach and plan communication as much as possible.

I'm not saying it will work for everyone, but neither do I think it will damage everyone and if it will benefit the family as a whole then it could be a risk worth taking.

I've just closed all the windows!

They were mainly child development journals, some psychology and some sociology, I didn't just look at boarding schools.

If I can be bothered later on I'll do it all again when I get home.

I think the biggest issue here is the huge change. These children are used to mum being there every day and then overnight she'll be pretty much completely gone. No visits, very few phone calls, thousands of miles away and busy for 12 hours a day.

I think you probably know from previous threads that I've no time for double standards based on gender so you'll just have to trust me that this isn't an issue in my posts. I believe you've also made the same decision as me, to be child free, was that not partly because you wanted to retain the freedom to do the kind of thing the OP is considering? Lastly, your dog, I wouldn't leave mine for 6 months, it wouldn't be fair after I'd made the commitment to care for them, I suspect you wouldn't either, why would it be easier with children?

Lunar_Eclipse

Person_one wrote: »

there's a pretty big spectrum between pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen and thousands of miles away for 6 months with little contact.

Exactly. I should have read on before commenting.:)

Kimberley82

Spendless wrote: »

Kimberley - you seem from the answers you have given to have thought it thru. From what you've said, the probs with your husband and child have been worked thru satisfactorily, your husband is either taking an equal or lion's share of childcare, since you are no longer the main carer and the probs you had with childcare on weekends with work shifts have been resolved and you have a support network. Your kids know about it and are ok with it and your husband is not only supportive, he has actively encouraged you to apply for the job, so I've got to ask what made you start the thread asking? Validation? Other people's experiences? I'm just intrigued.

The reason I asked was nt for validation but to hear other opioions, there have been things said that have made myself and my husband (he is reading this too) think about things and opened other discusions.