leaving children for 6 months

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

Yeah, 8 is still too young to be fine and dandy with your mum disappearing for 6 months, sorry.

That's another different point entirely.

I note your view on the circumstances put forward by the OP, and your spin on her post. I still think that it is for the family to decide what is right for them.

I went away with my grandparents for a week at 8, that probably helped to develop my independence, what the OP is talking about is something else entirely.

My original post was - no doubt inadvertently - somewhat 'twisted' by the way you quoted it.

It was actually in response to another poster's concerns about what might happen if she/he left her/his family for six months.

GracieP

Person_one wrote: »

One of the reasons I won't be having children is because I want the freedom to work abroad in the future. If you have them you have to accept that some lifestyles just aren't open to you anymore. When you choose to create new humans you can't just ditch them when something more fun comes along. Sorry to be harsh, but nobody made you have them. I feel that way about dads who barely see their children too, for the record.

I do actually agree with that and can't believe the crap like 'since when are you supposed to sacrifice yourself at the alter of child rearing' being spouted. If you choose to have a child, it's a decision you make and if you make it you need to commit to the fact that for the next 20ish years there is a new human being dependent on you. Nobody forces anybody to be a parent (except maybe Joseph Fritzel) but we do actually 'force' the children to be born. Adults choose them and as such should be putting their children first.

My husband works in the film industry. It's how I know so many men that work away on location. But there is no way on earth he'd prioritise his career over being with our child and if he was the type to do so I would never have chosen him as someone to co-parent with. That doesn't mean we won't make sacrifices sometimes for him to do certain movies, that we won't live where the best work is, or move house if needs be. It doesn't mean that he can't take a week here or a week there to work abroad on occasion (because on the flipside we try to budget for him to not work 2-4 months a year). But it does mean that day to day we will all live in the same house, and our kids will know that their parents are always available for them when they need us, which is worth more than any money.

Then one day when they are grown up and away at college or living in a commune or whatever makes them happy, we can go back to putting ourselves first.

SJJ1

OP there seems to me a lot of emphasis on how this will make your children feel and how they will cope without you.

But how will YOU cope without them?

Six months is a very long time to be away from the people you love and I think if you do take this opportunity you need to think about how you will cope being so far away from the most important people in your life with very limited contact.

You say that the job starts in 3 months time, so does that mean you'll be away for Christmas (assuming you celebrate)? What about sports days and parents evenings? Will they celebrate a birthday?These are memories you will never get back.

Having worked on a ship (although not a cruise ship and only a week on the ship at a time) I have so many colleagues who have worked on cruise ships. It is HARD work and the targets are very demanding. You will be working a minimum of 12 hours a day with probably only a half day off a week. You will be exhausted. You'll share a tiny little cabin with at least one other room mate and won't even have a porthole.

There are lots of assumptions about crew lifestyle and although it's not fair to assume it of all crew, it is actually the reality for a big % of them. I remembered a colleague of mine telling me that when new crew started on his ship, the men basically put 'dibs' on the girls they wanted as they boarded. How many people will you be able to identify with? Most people will be there looking for a very different experience to you and they will also be in a very different place in their life.

I honestly think that you will find it a very lonely lifestyle. I think no matter how good the opportunity is, you will desperately miss your husband and children. If something were to happen to any of them and you weren't there, I doubt you could forgive yourself.


You may think that you can easily manage 6 months away but when you hear your child crying on the phone because they miss you I think you might change your mind?

Good luck!

SophieCat

Have you spoken to your children about this? If my mum had come to me when I was 8 years old & said she was thinking of going away for 6 months, I think I'd have been distraught. 6 months is a long time (& will probably feel a lot longer for a kid).

VJsmum

In my job, I have had opportunities to be away from my kids - but only for a week at a time at most. In every case, I have travelled somewhere reasonably exotic. But I was at work and I was missed. Their father is perfectly capable of looking after them and their grandmother has been here too.

It isn't the same though, as having their mother - even for a week. My last trip was a couple of weeks ago and I am seriously contemplating saying that I don't want to go on another.

And I certainly wouldn't leave them with someone who had hit me (but then, I wouldn't still be with someone who had hit me)

Amara

Hello.
When I was 8 my dad got a contract abroad for three years and visited us every 4 months. It wasn't easy decision for my parents, but they did it .Money were great and also improved dad's career. I didnt feel left out, of course I missed my dad, but sometimes people have to make choices. Personally, also from perspective myself as 8years old I'd say: go for it.

skint_chick

I think you can't really get the right answer on an internet forum - if you were long term unemployed people would be telling you it's responsibility to take any job to get off benefits, and lots of people saying you don't love your kids because you're even considering leaving them for 6 months. Personally I think if this is handled well then your kids will learn that in life you can't always have everything and that communication in families is the most important thing. If you husband is willing to take on your role while you're away then I've got a lot of respect for him. A lot of people for a lot of reasons have to work away from their families and maybe not everyone thinks a head stylist is a prestigious career move but if it will help your career enough to give you better future earnings and mean you can work more flexibly to spend more time with your children in the coming years then is 6 months such a big deal? Also with mobiles, internet and Skype they can talk to you most days - you should be able to fit in a call before school/bed around working. Your husband will benefit from taking on the household single handledly - after all plenty of single parents do the same thing every day. As long as your children understand that you are going for a fixed term and it's not because you don't love them and that you'll be thinking about them I can't see why it would do them any emotional damage. It should help them to understand that sometimes difficult choices have to be made.

If your family agree it's such a great opportunity then go for it but make sure you make the most of it and don't waste the potential so your children can see the results of hard work. If they really don't want you to go and will spend every day missing you and being sad then maybe reconsider.

quantumleap

Speaking from my experience as the Dad to three kids aged 8, 5 & 4 I would be horrified at the thought that my wife wanted to leave us for 6 months to pursue a career opportunity. Whilst I would feel obliged to support her if she pushed it, I would also be honest with her in terms of setting out why I don't think it would be a good idea.

My own personal view is that when you have children you have to accept that, whilst you should always endeavour to live a life that is rewarding and fulfilling outside of the family, your main priority is them and anything that is not good for them is something you simply can't do.

I can't comprehend how you leaving for 6 months could not be damaging for your children in some way. It is also clear that you have had a very challenging time both in your relationship and with with at least one of your children in recent months. You say that these situations are improving (which is great news BTW). However you seem to think that going away for 6 months so soon after these events will not have a negative effect! Can you explain that? (not to us BTW but to yourself, because it makes no sense at all to me).

I wish you well in making your decision. I only hope you make the decision based on what is right for your family rather than what is right for you. Believe me I've had to make such decisions in the past - they aren't easy, they have left me wondering "what if" but I've never felt resentful in any way as I know they've been decisions that were best for my kids.

Welshwoofs

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I don't believe this scenario compares and, to be honest, get a bit fed up with people using the 'military family' example to support the assumption that absent parents are not missed and that the absence has no negative impact on those left behind.

Nobody said that the parents aren't missed. But it's a long way from missing a parent to the hysterical "OMGZ!!!! Your going to have dysfunctional kids and they'll hate you forever more" type of scenario that seems to be bounded around here.

The fact is that many families operate with one parent away for extended parents and they manage. Of course they are missed, but that's not an entirely negative thing in my book because I'm fully of the belief that sheltering children from every little upset results in them not learning coping skills needed for when they are adults and don't have someone sheltering them from the knocks in life.

jamespir

i think if its a once in a lifetime oppurtunity you should take it im sure dad will look after the kids fine