How to be more intimate?

howcanichangeme

Ok, as always an AE is born. I don't want to be recognised as my usual name.

Firstly, please don't tell me I shouldn't be in this relationship as I want to be, and want to make it work. I just need advice as to what I can do to help change things.

I have been in a relationship for over a year and we now live together. The only negative is our mismatched libidos. Mine is non-existent, and he could happily go 3 times a day. I have to admit, I don't try very often to initiate things but I just never ever feel horny. He gets really frustrated and grumpy if he goes too long without it.

I have put on weight, and not been working, so I know my self-esteem is at a low. I spend most of the day at home doing nothing, which makes me even more tired.

I'm afraid now that after he tried to initiate things this evening (we got as far as being naked and tried using ky) I still wasn't up for it and this might be the last straw. I'm now in the living room typing this and he hasn't come out of the bedroom yet.

I just don't know what to do to make myself want it more often. I wish I did want it, when we first met I initiated it a lot more but that may have just been the 'newness' of it. I did also go for about 4-5 years with nothing as I was single and not into taking strangers home. Sometimes I'll do things to him, but that wasn't enough tonight.

Any advice? As I said, please don't suggest our relationship should end.

ETA: before we go together I was suffering from moderate-severe depression, and had been having counselling but am mostly better now. When I mentioned to the doctor my concerns about lack of libido, I was just told that it was probably due to stress and that was it.

hieveryone

I don't have any help in particular but am interested in the answers provided as I am in a similar position, except opposite. My partner (male) rarely initiates intimacy - we have gone for 5 weeks without anything

Will be interesting to hear both male and female replies and I hope we both get a resolution!

Wellyboots6

Could I ask if you take anti-depressants for your depression? They can affect libido in different ways.

As you have mentioned, stress and self-esteem will also have a big impact.

You can also end up stuck in a vicious cycle. If you never initiate it, then it means he is always the one to initiate things. That puts pressure on you to do it when he wants, making things more stressful for you.

I don't really have much advice to offer as I am not an expert in such matters, but I hope you get some useful replies

londonsurrey

It depends on what you are willing to do.

If you want to lose weight and/or get more fit, then are you willing go out walking, exercising or practising dance steps every day?

What exactly is enough for him? 20 minutes? I know someone who wore out his partner, he was still going strong after 4 hours. The thing is, she was his personal trainer. Lol.

What worked for him in previous relationships? Were his previous partners capable of satisfying him, how long did the relationships last, and why did they end?

lostinrates

Getting in to the routine of being intimate more often helps, but obviously not at first. To get you more in the mood but satisfy him in the mean time good you do 'other things' that could have the same end result for him and hopefully turn you on too?

MX5huggy

What contraception are you using?

pinksk8

I shouldn't think there should be any reason for the relationship to end if everything else is okay. You say you have put on weight, could you make it to the gym at any point, it wont help your libido as such but you will start to feel better about yourself, which in turn may raise your libido.

I find a good shopping trip for new underwear gets you in the mood for showing it off, especially if you start feeling better about yourself.

Good luck OP x x

howcanichangeme

londonsurrey wrote: »

It depends on what you are willing to do.

If you want to lose weight and/or get more fit, then are you willing go out walking, exercising or practising dance steps every day?

What exactly is enough for him? 20 minutes? I know someone who wore out his partner, he was still going strong after 4 hours. The thing is, she was his personal trainer. Lol.

What worked for him in previous relationships? Were his previous partners capable of satisfying him, how long did the relationships last, and why did they end?

His previous relationship was 8 years. We have no problems once I'm into it. I've been going to the gym and following slimming world to try and help me feel better. 4hours :eek::eek:

lostinrates wrote: »

Getting in to the routine of being intimate more often helps, but obviously not at first. To get you more in the mood but satisfy him in the mean time good you do 'other things' that could have the same end result for him and hopefully turn you on too?

I do that sometimes, and sometimes it leads on to me being turned on. I did say I'd do that on Sunday but he wanted more from the start.

MX5huggy wrote: »

What contraception are you using?

The implant which was put in last July.


I do feel stressed out all the time and it doesn't take much at the moment for me to snap and any good mood is gone. I'm wondering if there is something underlying, but unless I'm taken seriously by a GP I'm not sure how I could figure it out.


Great... he is now watching some sex programme on tv!

howcanichangeme

I was taking anti-depressants but came off them last year as I really didn't want to be on them.

Thank you for all your replies.

londonsurrey

About the programme he's watching, do they turn you on? If not, the positive thing is that theoretically, they've done a bit of whatever he wants, so you don't have as much to do?

victory

See you are doing great positive things like going to the gym and slimming world, that is all very good:D

you could start slow, have a snog, look but don't touch, spend time caressing but it does not have to lead all the way, lie back and let him be intimate with you to relax you, to get you into the mood, watch !!!!!! together, read a sexy mag, novel, watch a film together.

Stress does not help, could you not try to have a relaxing bath full of bubbles, a glass of bubbly, a quiet sit and read moment, could you not go back in time and remember how good it used to be and try to recapture that?