How to be more intimate?

Humphrey10

Experiment more. Find something you both find fun. Go to Ann Summers (or a sex shop but personally I find Ann Summers 'nicer') and buy some toys/equipment. Sex doesn't have to mean intercourse, if you don't want it to.
Does he know how you feel about all this?

thegirlintheattic

Some anti-depressant side effects can last some time after the last dose (although a year would be a bit long) - these might still be lowering your libido, ditto for weight and low self-esteem. Implanton has a rep for low libido - unless you really prefer it, I would switch to either condoms or a mini-pill.

I'd focus less on the sex and more with the cuddling, kissing, touching in everyday life. Like giving him a hug and a peck on the way to work, stroking his arm when he's on the couch. This can SLOWLY be built up.

Gloomendoom

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

I'd focus less on the sex and more with the cuddling, kissing, touching in everyday life. Like giving him a hug and a peck on the way to work, stroking his arm when he's on the couch. This can SLOWLY be built up.

The only problem with this is that it could raise expectations that may not be fulfilled... leading to even more frustration and possibly resentment on his part.

Mupette

you need to learn to love yourself, doesn't matter what shape you are, your man loves you, you just need to be reminded that he does still find you attractive.

Perhaps when he is in the mood and you are not, give him a (ahem) hand....

I'm no skinny bint, never have been, but I'm not in my own opinion that over weight, and i have major issues with the over hang i have on my belly, had it since DS was born and i could never shift it, i dont have elastic skin that pops out babes and then the body of a model..

I've had to learn to love my body (well i am trying) i feel very very embarrassed, whilst i will happily allow him to see me nekked, my had always goes to cover my saggy tum, which he laughs at (in a loving way), as he has a belly we can hold a pint on, we have a joke about our bellies get in the way, we laugh about it.

you are stressing about having the libido for doing it.. I don't know how old you and your partner are, but life is too short to be stressed, take time to chill, find a little hobby that you enjoy.

what is the bedroom like, is it a welcoming place or is it a dumping ground for stuff, make it look like you want to be in there with him.

Role reversal for me, I'm 42 and for some reason i am always up for it, i think my body clock is ticking loudly, if i get too 'randy' OH says to me, oh your ovulating again i see dear :rotfl:

Sex should be pleasurable and wanted, don't stress about it, you are working yourself up to a mess because of it. Maybe some chill out time, maybe meditating

Sid_Wolf

no advice, just a ((hug)) as i'm the same! And it can get you down, I'm 21 so feel like I should be wanting it all the time, but I dont. I dont have any body hang ups really & im not depressed, so there doesnt seem to be any underlying issue, it's just 'me'.

OH has started a new contract at work, which means more hours, so I'm breathing a sign of relief that he's been a bit more tired recently & not trying it on so much!

Will be following this thread with interest!

Seanymph

Have you talked to him about it?

The only thing I could suggest is a complete ban on intercourse. Give yourself (and him) a month off. Agree to do anything and everything else, and see if that ignites desire for you because let's face it, we none of us like to be under pressure, and we all want what we can't have

Tell him you want to work it out with him - and unless he has a better idea that you think that may bring an end to the drought you find yourself in.

jetplane

How long has it been like this, you said it was fine at first because of the newness of it? I think it matters because at some point you were not mismatched, so was one of you under false impression of the others libido? Did he think you wanted it often, did you think oh he'll stop wanting it so much after a while? If historically you have always had a very low libido and he has always had a high sex drive then that side of the relationship will always be difficult and down to compromise.

For me the fact that you were on here typing soon after attempting sex and he was watching TV speaks more about your intimacy than mismatched libido. Most people need intimacy for sex and this includes foreplay and the afterglow (as my husband refers to it:rotfl:).

I do think that, depression, weight gain, doing nothing all day and having low self esteem will affect your libido. Diet and exercise will make you feel better but they are not an instant fix. Do you actually fancy him? Maybe it's something about his constantly up for it demands that is turning you off?

nonnatus

My input might not be welcome, or particularly "PC" but it works, I was where you are, OP and someone gave me this good advice. I huffed and puffed for a while about being a strong, independent feminist etc, but in the end I just wanted to save my relationship and it worked.

Schedule three days a week in your diary/head. He doesn't have to know about them. On those days, invite him to bed with a smile, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing. Initiate sex, then let him take over, lie back and think of England. You'll both feel great when it's over (maybe for different reasons ) and as the weeks progress, your body will LEARN to respond and you will LEARN to enjoy it.
Several sexperts promote this method of dealing with mismatched libido's, and although it sounds very "Stepford" it really does work, but it's tough to begin with.

Do not miss a day, no matter how you feel, what arguments you've had, or your head will get all mixed up and be searching for behaviour that means you will be able to skip a day in the future...

Your man (who you obviously love very much) will see you in a new light and treat you like a Goddess.

What have you got to lose? Try it for a week?

PM me if you want any extra details

MummyOfTwo

i would look again at that implant. i had one 5-months post baby and after seven weeks i was in my GP surgery begging the nurse to remove it immediately. It killed the 'relations' that me and hubby had happily resumed after the birth, and stacked on the weight that fell off due to breastfeeding. i felt like i couldnt cope with my own children and the things i needed to do in my dsaily routines. two days after it came out, i woke feeling like a cloud had lifted from me, and all the situations improved. weight came off, was quite noticeable. the practice nurse told me that the GP's are really pushing them but if they dont agree with you the effects can be significant.

heartbreak_star

I'm with mummyoftwo - take a look at your contraception.

Lying back and thinking of England is sometimes the worst thing you can do, as is "just doing things to him". My partner admits he doesn't get much out of sexual acts if I'm not having fun too, a lot of his pleasure is derived from mine.

HBS x