How to be more intimate?

Thegirl

I had awful problems on Dianette, weight gain, low self esteem and no libido, so I would vote for checking your contraception.

Pee

It sounds to me as if the real problem is about the housework or tidying up and who feels they should do what and when and this problem is affecting your sex drive and maybe you are thinking that sex is one element of control and use it as a reward system. You wouldn't be the first person to do this, apparently years ago women used it as a method of stopping wars, with a sex strike, but I think a lack of sex is corrosive in a relationship and this will cause more problems longer term.

It isn't for me to say what work around the house should be done by you and whether he is doing his fair share, but I would like to say as someone who is the main bread winner I don't mind supporting someone at home providing they are making a real effort and I have been in situations where this isn't the case and it is extremely frustrating and annoying to come back from a hard days work, worrying about how you will meet all the outgoings and feeling like you have no financial support to find that apparently the other person has only managed to wash up in an eight hour day. I do appreciate that being at home and not working can bring other emotional stresses like depression but my current boyfriend throws himself into the housework, does a great job which I notice and praise and finds that this makes him feel a bit more worthwhile.

The other thing is that sometimes we don't have sex because of issues with impotency and sometimes we don't play around because one or other of us is tired, but more of the time, one of us suggests it and the other shows an interest and it's amazing how often an erection follows. If you want to have sex, surely some KY jelly and some playing around is all you need? Otherwise either the problem is that he is a good man but you don't fancy him, or even a bone idle waste of space and you don't fancy him, or it is something medical which should be looked into. It doesn't sound like a medical/ pain issue.

Maybe scheduling some time to do something nice, have a nice light meal together, maybe a bottle of wine and then an early night...

Maybe set Saturday aside to tidy your bedroom and then have a pleasant evening and early night?

System

This thread reminds me of something that happened to me a few years ago.

I take medication for my blood pressure. The GP put me on a BP tablet which was useless as it didnt lower my BP. He added another tablet to take with it which did the trick for a number of years.

A few years later i went to my GP for something totally unconnected to my BP and my doctor looked at my notes and said.

'Excuse me for asking but hows your sex life?'. I looked at her startled and said 'Its fine thanks, why?'

'Oh' she said 'ive just noticed the medication you take for your blood pressure. The dosages and combination is enough to knock a horse out'.

Strangely enough it hadnt affected me.

babymoo

Another one here who is in a similar situation OP. I have read all the replies and they have been interesting. I am going to speak about my HRT to my dr next week and also I think a big thing for me is I currently live with my parents and he is still at his parents altho he stays over here every night and we never ever have the house completely alone, we are always worrying about noise and it puts me off. I can't wait to buy our own home as I do think when we have a bit more space and freedom things will massively improve.

howcanichangeme

I’m actually signed off work at the moment for health issues for which i’m waiting for an operation, so he doesn’t actually support me financially. I don’t mind doing some of the housework etc as I know he works hard, but at the same time I can’t do that much sorting and put away all my stuff that is everywhere from moving in, until we have both been through the flat and sorted everything out. If we spent time sorting everything out and getting it all in order, then I would be more than happy to keep it clean and tidy, but until it's all straightened out, it's an impossible task.

I’m also doing several courses for uni so have deadlines to meet for that. I’m not just a lazy moo who is scrounging off my boyfriend and moaning about having to do the washing up.

I’ve had my implant out now, so we will see if that makes a difference. They tried to offer me the mini-pill but I figured the best way to see if it’s the hormones affecting me is to have nothing for now.

He always tells me I’m beautiful and how much he loves me and my body etc etc but I hate it as I know most of the time it will be about 10 seconds before he tries to paw at me or ask if I want to take him to bed.

Relate got back to me, but it’s £45 per session!! Not sure that can be justified. So may just wait until I’ve seen if the lack of hormones has an effect.

The family planning nurse said she thinks I should go to my doctor. I’m reluctant though because they will probably just stick me on more pills which I hated. I guess I’ll have to though, otherwise this isn’t going to get any better.

We tried KY the other night which usually works, but it was just not happening. At all. Nada. Which led me to think enough was enough and if we are both in this for the long-term then I need to sort it out.

LadyMorticia

My husband and I have similar issues, although better than they were.

I have extremely low self-esteem and an extremely low libido, which I'm not sure is actually just me or the meds I'm on.
For ages we couldn't actually have sex because I just couldn't relax but it just took time.

We don't do it that much, maybe once every 2 months, but that's because I have M.E so can't physically "put out" and I'm bedbound for a week afterwards!

At first my DH was frustrated, but now it's more about not being well enough to do anything, rather than libido, if that makes sense?

babymoo

Howcanichangeme ... are your health problems womens problems? (sorry couldnt think of a better way to ask) You don't have to tell but I have found because all my health problems for so long have been due to that that I am scared incase I make anything worse. It takes a lot to get your head around the fact that actually have sex doesn't make the problem any worse, if infact it doesn't, perhaps it does and if this is the case then you need to sit your OH down and really explain to him how you feel.

I honestly believed a year ago I would lose my DP over my lack of sex drive and after I sat him down and explained where I am coming from he no longer pressures me, never makes me feel bad and that actually makes me want him more and I know I will get there eventually. As will you.


I believe a big problem with society today is everyone assumes that everyone else is at it at all hours of the day and night, that everyone other than yourself has a really high sex drive and it makes you feel somehow inadequate. After reading this thread I no longer feel alone and realise that whilst some people possibly are doing what I presume the world is doing, there will be so many people who just don't want or care for it either but this is never publicised.

elantan

isnt zinc meant to help libido ? how are your zinc levels ? can you take a zinc supplement ?

elantan

babymoo wrote: »

I believe a big problem with society today is everyone assumes that everyone else is at it at all hours of the day and night, that everyone other than yourself has a really high sex drive and it makes you feel somehow inadequate. After reading this thread I no longer feel alone and realise that whilst some people possibly are doing what I presume the world is doing, there will be so many people who just don't want or care for it either but this is never publicised.

not everyone ... i am a member of society and i dont assume it ...

heartbreak_star

"before he tries to paw at me"

This quote says a lot to me...that you see it as "pawing" and not him appreciating your body.

My OH always says to me "you might hate your body but I love it, and if you're determined to lose weight make sure you don't change who you are in the process".

You really need to sit and have a long talk with him about your life together, not just your sex life.

I wish you well!

HBS x