How to be more intimate?

howcanichangeme

ben - ive sort of tried that but i'm still just not interested in sex, it just seems like too much effort! even though we both definitely enjoy it in the end.

euro - we have lots of arguments about his lack of help with the flat.. ok so I'm not working, but it doesn't mean I should be picking up after him all the time. He doesn't get it when I say I feel like i'm his mum sometimes! Dressing sexy, I should give it a try. I just honestly have no enthusiasm for it at all.


I've just emailed Relate to ask about sex therapy. Something needs to be done as I don't think he will be able to live in a sexless relationship regardless of how much he loves me. I've been investigating the implant and may suggest I go contraception free for a bit and we use condoms... tihs will be the only way to see if the hormones in the contraception are affecting my moods and libido.

hazyjo

Was in a relationship with barely any sex and it killed it as the resentment I felt just built up and up 'til I turned into a complete mental case. Been in another one where we were at it like rabbits.

I think you have to actually fancy each other to start with. I've come to realise in my 40s that however much you say 'he's a good man, he's great with kids, he's great around the house, I love him, he worships the ground I walk on...', if you don't fancy him, you're not going to find it a turn on when he's all over you. Or you do want it, but there's a lack of intimacy like kissing. Funnily enough, sex and satisfaction can work, but I bet the snogging's missing!

Say no sex, but only kissing. Put aside 15 mins a day for a good ol' fashioned snog. You'll probably both be gagging for it after that, but stick to the no sex.

Don't think you should just stick a sex ban on with nothing else or it'll just be a relief and you definitely won't be missing it. I tried that, but we ended up with nothing for months.

Also, is he just asking for/wanting sex or is he finding you sexy/attractive - and letting you know? There's nothing more offputting than someone pawing at you or saying about sex when really you want to be hearing how sexy you make them feel and how nice your [whatever] is and how they can't leave you alone... texting you during the day even to say how much they want you...

Good luck! It's good that you want to sort it. My ex didn't - thought I was wrong to feel rejected and couldn't see anything wrong with sex 5 times a year!

Jx

euronorris

howcanichangeme wrote: »

ben - ive sort of tried that but i'm still just not interested in sex, it just seems like too much effort! even though we both definitely enjoy it in the end.

euro - we have lots of arguments about his lack of help with the flat.. ok so I'm not working, but it doesn't mean I should be picking up after him all the time. He doesn't get it when I say I feel like i'm his mum sometimes! Dressing sexy, I should give it a try. I just honestly have no enthusiasm for it at all.

I do feel that, if you are home full time, then the majority of housework falls to you (providing you are physically able). BUT, the bit I've highlighted makes me wonder what he's doing. Is he leaving his clothes on the floor all over the place? Is he expecting you to bring him a fresh drink everytime he's finished the one he's got etc? That sort of thing? THAT, in my opinion is out of line. Firstly, a washing basket in the bedroom and bathroom might remove part of that problem (though I opted for 'if it's not in the washing basket it's not getting washed' and waited until he ran out of clean underwear for it to really sink in). Secondly, you're not his bl00dy skivvy. Housework is one thing. Picking up after someone who is too lazy to get himself a drink, or put his dirty dish in the dishwasher/by the sink after eating is a huge turn off.

Perhaps you should spell it out to him. ie, 'One of the reasons I'm rarely in the mood is because I'm always picking up after you, which makes me feel like your Mum. Unless that changes, it's unlikely my libido will increase very much. This is a two way street and requires a two way effort to improve things.'.

I've just emailed Relate to ask about sex therapy. Something needs to be done as I don't think he will be able to live in a sexless relationship regardless of how much he loves me. I've been investigating the implant and may suggest I go contraception free for a bit and we use condoms... tihs will be the only way to see if the hormones in the contraception are affecting my moods and libido.

Contraception can have an impact. The pill did with me, as well as migraines! Eugh! I had the non hormonal IUD (coil) inserted last March and have been fine since.

One thing I've also realised is, that this is a rarely a problem with just one cause. There are often multiple factors at work, so to tackle the problem you have to tackle the multiple factors at play here.

LisaLou1982

Like someone else has said OP, have you tired another form of contraception? Sometimes it takes a while for the horomones to take - i remember being put on one particular pill which completely turned me off sex altogether..... it took a few months before i realised what the problem was and changed.

an9i77

This may be just me, but often I'm not in the mood, most times actually I'm not, but I just do it anyway as I figure it's good for my partner. And then most of the time I end up getting into it during, when i didn't think I would. A bit like, sometimes you don't want to go out of an evening, it's dark and cold outside and you'd rather stay in but once you make the effort and go out you have a really good time. But that could just be me, we're all different.

MummyOfTwo

hazyjo wrote: »

Was in a relationship with barely any sex and it killed it as the resentment I felt just built up and up 'til I turned into a complete mental case. Been in another one where we were at it like rabbits.

I think you have to actually fancy each other to start with. I've come to realise in my 40s that however much you say 'he's a good man, he's great with kids, he's great around the house, I love him, he worships the ground I walk on...', if you don't fancy him, you're not going to find it a turn on when he's all over you. Or you do want it, but there's a lack of intimacy like kissing. Funnily enough, sex and satisfaction can work, but I bet the snogging's missing!

Say no sex, but only kissing. Put aside 15 mins a day for a good ol' fashioned snog. You'll probably both be gagging for it after that, but stick to the no sex.

Don't think you should just stick a sex ban on with nothing else or it'll just be a relief and you definitely won't be missing it. I tried that, but we ended up with nothing for months.

Also, is he just asking for/wanting sex or is he finding you sexy/attractive - and letting you know? There's nothing more offputting than someone pawing at you or saying about sex when really you want to be hearing how sexy you make them feel and how nice your [whatever] is and how they can't leave you alone... texting you during the day even to say how much they want you...

Good luck! It's good that you want to sort it. My ex didn't - thought I was wrong to feel rejected and couldn't see anything wrong with sex 5 times a year!

Jx

excellent advice indeed.

thehappybutterfly

My hubby and I hardly ever have sex - I just can't be bothered! We've both been treated for depression (hubby's still on meds), we're always tired, I'm too embarrassed to make the first move (always been like that) so he has to but he got tired of being turned down all the time so he stopped trying. We've got ourselves into a total rut. I sort myself out when I do get in the mood when I know I should be saving myself for the main event but it's just easier that way. But when we do do it, it's good and I always say, post-coital, "we should really do this more often!".

It's one of those things - the more you do it, the more you want it. And the less you do it.......

I don't have any advice but I'm another one who will read replies hoping for some tips!

purple-fairy_2

I started reading this thread as I have a similar problem, complicated by having a 2yr old and currently being pregnant. We go through phases where I'm up for it more often, and it's always good when we do, then I can go ages just not being in the mood.

I was thinking along the same lines as ben...make time to pleasure yourself during the day, no pressure there but hopefully puts you in the mood and you could then jump him when he gets home. I have found this can help, or even a quick fiddle in the bathroom in the evening if I can tell he's up for it. If I can't get myself worked up, there's no point in giving him false hope.

We've looked at the naughty texts option, but I felt that this built up an expectation for that evening, by which time I may not be in the mood. A bit of pampering, doing your legs, hair etc I find can help.

But at the end of the day, as you say, it can be the continual expectation that kills the mood even more than anything, and makes it harder for you to ever initiate as your libido never has the chance to build up.
I'd love to hear how you get on with relate, my partner doesn't see the point as he says we're already talking about the prob, so what can they do.

Good luck op

poorly_scammo

Sounds like you're still depressed. Your posts on this thread indicate that to me. I'd be going back to the doctor's, explaining your libido problems in full and pursuing any issues with your contraception.

skintchick

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Sounds like you're still depressed. Your posts on this thread indicate that to me. I'd be going back to the doctor's, explaining your libido problems in full and pursuing any issues with your contraception.

I was on depo for years until I worked out my depressive episodes were directly linked to my 12-weekly injections of it. They are strong drugs