a fathers responcibilty to his kids

POPPYOSCAR

janninew wrote: »

I was never implying you were a man hater, I've read many of your comments on this and other threads and you come across as fair!, Others on here do come across as man haters, which is their choice, but it does make them a bit blinkered!

I personally wouldn't move away from my child (haven't even left my daughter with anybody since she was born!) But as others have said, don't judge unless you've walked in their shoes. To many assumptions have been made, I try and see the good in people unless told otherwise - but maybe I'm just naive! :rotfl:

No not naive - just reasonable.

FatVonD

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

OP Please do not take any notice of some of the posts attacking you on here. As someone has already said there are some people who have had bad experiences and tend to take it out on posters such as yourself.

But on the other hand, OP, do not assume that this means you can immediately discount the opinions of anybody that doesn't agree with you. This isn't specifically directed at you PoppyO but I really wish people would name and shame rather than just hint at who they mean.

I don't think you mean me but just for the record I am not a man hater, I moved house 1 hour away from my son's dad (and did all the delivering and collecting for the first few months and now do the collecting only.) I have not been left by a cheating husband

I do however have an ex that didn't pay maintenence for 7 years and when I asked him to pay for his son's school lunches said 'if you can't afford it let him come to live with me, we have plenty of money' (on account of claiming full benefits while working and not having paid maintenance for 7 years) which may be colouring my opinion :rotfl:

I see the OP's situation as a knee-jerk reaction to her husband being asked to do what he should have been doing all along.

euronorris

After reading the thread, here are my suggestions:

- Open up a line of communication between your OH and the ex's MIL. In writing. Also try to re-establish the lines of communication with the ex (in a format that works for her if needs be - as it has been suggested that talking may be very difficult for her since the stroke).
- Try to agree on a monthly weekend visit, made by your OH to his ex's area. In return, it might be a good idea to give up one of the 2 week holiday periods you ususally have the child for. At the moment, it seems he spends all of his holiday time with his Dad, meaning that his Mother rarely gets that kind of time with him.
- Start looking at suitable places to relocate to, halfway between where you are now, and where the ex is. Given that you have children yourself, it is unreasonable to expect you to now move 6 hours away (either from them, or with them essentially removing them from contact with their father). But, if you can find somewhere in the middle, it will make it easier for your OH to see his kid more regularly, and offer more and practical support to his ex. Perhaps he would then be able to make a weekend visit twice a month, rather than just once.
- Look for new jobs in the new 'halfway point' area. Sorry, but to resolve this situation in the most beneficial way for the child, some sacrifices will have to be made. Your government jobs is one of these (possibly - maybe a transfer is possible?). I'm not suggesting that you just give it up now, and lose your income. I'm suggesting you find a different job, in the new area, and then move there, give up current job and start the new one. It is possible. I did it when relocating from the UK to NL. If I can do it, so can you two.

OK, that's it. That's what I feel is the best solution for the child.

emweaver

I apologise she is on ESA so has no job with the government to give up lol. She also has difficulty walking so what makes her think shell be able to take better care of the son whilst her partner is at work than his mother and grandparents can.

coolcait

emweaver wrote: »

I could not agree more with you and was about to post the same myself. She is just trying to defend her selfish ways by telling lies.

I disagree with this, for the same reasons that I disagreed with the post by Seanymph (which you quoted).

Having read all of the OP's posts, the facts are perfectly consistent.

She WAS on long-term sick, she WAS on ESA, she WAS found fit to work, and she IS back at work.

Both you and Seanymph are the ones who are not giving an accurate re-telling of the content of the OP's posts.

coolcait

thatgirlsam wrote: »

No, I think that has been confirmed

The OP also said there was questionable parenting skills when he went

Would you move so far away from your child in those circumstances?

I think parents have a right to move on when they split up, but in this case I think the dad has been selfish, it is only my opinion though, without knowing the family I can only go on what has been written

I am not a man hater

At the time the OP's partner moved away, the child's mother and grandparents were i) refusing to consider allowing the child to go with his father, ii) assuring the father that adequate care arrangements were in place.

Four years down the line, circumstances have changed.

coolcait

emweaver wrote: »

Are you a relative or just a friend of the OP?

Neither :rotfl::rotfl:

I'm just someone with:

- the ability to read what's actually been written,
- experience at untangling complicated accounts of people's circumstances,
- and a knowledge of the way people talk in the area the OP comes from (based on what her 'location' says, rather than just her name).

Are you a relative or just a friend of the OP's ex?

coolcait

emweaver wrote: »

Also from your other thread your not paying maintenance so giving up your jobs to move closer wont make a difference to the child financially. Also on the same post you say is step daughter was kicked out after a massive row maybe this is why she is telling you the mother is awful and doesn't care for her brother?

If your on the sick after 6 months SSP stops and its the DWP that pay you so relocating wont affect your income just your partners. Why lie and say you work shifts when you clearly state elsewhere your on the sick?

Look at the dates of the OP's posts about being on the sick, and the date of the one about being signed 'fit for work'. Look at the dates of this thread.

So - WAS on the sick, WAS getting ESA, NOW back at work - apparently working shifts.

The stepdaughter may be lasihing out as a reaction to being kicked out of her home when she was still a minor. She may be telling the truth. We don't know. We do know that the grandparents' letter to the OP's partner, stating that they are finding it difficult to cope with a young child, has come very soon after the young, able-bodied sibling was no longer part of the household.

Giving up one - never mind two - secure jobs in the current economic climate would be stupid. It still boggles me that people are still suggesting that.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with paying maintenance, or about buying treats. It's about fundamentals like having somewhere to live, and somewhere which is of an adequate standard for the child to live in during contact.

Given the mother's refusal to engage with the father on matters to do with contact, will she allow her son to visit his father more often if he lives closer? Especially if his accommodation isn't up to standard. Her behaviour to date doesn't inspire optimism on that front.

Nor, given her behaviour to date, am I persuaded that she would let the father see his child if he DID take up the suggestion of staying in a nearby budget hotel (although I do think it is a good suggestion if there was guaranteed contact).

coolcait

euronorris wrote: »

After reading the thread, here are my suggestions:

- Open up a line of communication between your OH and the ex's MIL. In writing. Also try to re-establish the lines of communication with the ex (in a format that works for her if needs be - as it has been suggested that talking may be very difficult for her since the stroke).
- Try to agree on a monthly weekend visit, made by your OH to his ex's area. In return, it might be a good idea to give up one of the 2 week holiday periods you ususally have the child for. At the moment, it seems he spends all of his holiday time with his Dad, meaning that his Mother rarely gets that kind of time with him.
- Start looking at suitable places to relocate to, halfway between where you are now, and where the ex is. Given that you have children yourself, it is unreasonable to expect you to now move 6 hours away (either from them, or with them essentially removing them from contact with their father). But, if you can find somewhere in the middle, it will make it easier for your OH to see his kid more regularly, and offer more and practical support to his ex. Perhaps he would then be able to make a weekend visit twice a month, rather than just once.
- Look for new jobs in the new 'halfway point' area. Sorry, but to resolve this situation in the most beneficial way for the child, some sacrifices will have to be made. Your government jobs is one of these (possibly - maybe a transfer is possible?). I'm not suggesting that you just give it up now, and lose your income. I'm suggesting you find a different job, in the new area, and then move there, give up current job and start the new one. It is possible. I did it when relocating from the UK to NL. If I can do it, so can you two.

OK, that's it. That's what I feel is the best solution for the child.

That's an almost Solomonic solution, Euronorris!

The main difficulties I see are:

- the OP and her OH work in local government, not national government. Are there the same possibilities of transferring from one local authority to another, while retaining seniority etc?

- if so, then it is definitely an option worth looking at

- if not, then it could be risky. If the OP and her OH both go back to 'zero' in terms of how long they've been employed (as part of losing their 'seniority') then they have no protection against unfair dismissal in the first two years.

- what employment opportunities actually exist in the area which is halfway between the two locations? From the OP's location, as shown on here, we're looking at areas where employment opportunities are very limited.

- the child's mother can still talk, but refuses to talk to the OP's husband. I completely agree with the advice which the OP has been given about putting things in writing.

- the grandparents did state that they want the child's father to take him more for 'holidays etc'.

Devil's advocate question -

if it is unfair to uproot a five year old child from the school and friends he knows, and move him away from his grandparents and mother...

why is it fair to suggest uprooting other children, moving them away from the schools and friends that they know, and moving them away from their grandparents and other family - perhaps including a father?

there are a lot of people involved in this scenario, and decisions taken will impact on them all.

POPPYOSCAR

FatVonD wrote: »

But on the other hand, OP, do not assume that this means you can immediately discount the opinions of anybody that doesn't agree with you. This isn't specifically directed at you PoppyO but I really wish people would name and shame rather than just hint at who they mean.

I don't think you mean me but just for the record I am not a man hater, I moved house 1 hour away from my son's dad (and did all the delivering and collecting for the first few months and now do the collecting only.) I have not been left by a cheating husband

I do however have an ex that didn't pay maintenence for 7 years and when I asked him to pay for his son's school lunches said 'if you can't afford it let him come to live with me, we have plenty of money' (on account of claiming full benefits while working and not having paid maintenance for 7 years) which may be colouring my opinion :rotfl:

I see the OP's situation as a knee-jerk reaction to her husband being asked to do what he should have been doing all along.

All opinions are valid, but some go further and assume, accuse and attack, which is totally uncalled for on a public forum. I do understand how some peoples own experiences can colour their judgement as you rightly say, however, I do not see this as helpful to the situation as it makes people switch off. I personally think it better to persuade rather than dictate.

I directed my comments directly to the OP as I do not want to pick out individual posts as in my experience that just leads to arguments and gets the thread closed.