a fathers responcibilty to his kids

duchy

coolcait wrote: »

I set out a timeline - based on the OP's posts - some time ago on this thread.

Yes you did -Certain points I don't agree with your interpretation though-especially where the OP gave conflicting info or remained silent when asked directly

The relationship had broken down before the ex had a stroke. We don't know if it had been a long relationship of uninterrupted bliss, or if it had been a rocky relationship.

The relationship with the partner not with his children you mean ?

The ex has not attempted to work with the father in arranging contact. Transport logistics can only be sorted out once you actually know that the Mother will allow contact, and when.

Transport logistics and access appear to have been arranged via the trandmother--we have no idea if this started before or after the stroke

If a Mother causes problems in arranging contact between child and father, then distances start to become irrelevant. The child would still have difficulty getting access to his father, even if the father lived next door.

I think you mean the father would have difficulty - the grandparents til now have driven a round trip of six hours to facilitate access-we have no evidence either way who instigated access arrangements prior to the NRP choosing to move six hours away

You assume that the children were "struggling" with their mother's illness. One was probably too young to notice. The elder child doesn't appear to be estranged from her father (although she is now estranged from her mother and grandparents).

Good grief- children of any age are going to struggle if their PWC becomes incapacitated- Hardly rocket science-and a teenager falling out with a parent is hardly exceptional . (Not sure where you get estranged from though -I don't regard every child who lives with one parent as estranged from the other-)

duchy

coolcait wrote: »

Two months ago, the OP was deemed 'fit to work'.

We don't know if she did appeal or not. Anyone who reads the benefits board or Discussion Time will be aware that appeals against these decisions are not always successful anyway...

So, it is perfectly possible that the OP - two months down the line - is back at work, and is working shifts.

.

And equally possible that she is not surely ? She appears to have not responded to the question and people are drawing their own conclusions from that <shrug>

coolcait

duchy wrote: »

And equally possible that she is not surely ? She appears to have not responded to the question and people are drawing their own conclusions from that <shrug>

Following Seanymph's posts which misrepresented the OP's posting history, alleging that the OP was lying about being employed, the OP stated clearly that she has never lied in any of her posts on here.

So she doesn't rebut all the nonsense allegations point by point. I admire that kind of self-restraint :rotfl:. I also prefer that kind of straighforwardness to the sophitry used by Seanymph to misrepresent.

I think you mean the father would have difficulty - the grandparents til now have driven a round trip of six hours to facilitate access-we have no evidence either way who instigated access arrangements prior to the NRP choosing to move six hours away

The grandparents have never made the six hour round trip. That has been stated clearly. The OP has also said that the father had main care of the child before he moved away (and the mother/grandparents refused to allow him to keep custody).

This is information contained in the thread. Not interpretation or assumption.

euronorris

coolcait wrote: »

That's an almost Solomonic solution, Euronorris!

The main difficulties I see are:

- the OP and her OH work in local government, not national government. Are there the same possibilities of transferring from one local authority to another, while retaining seniority etc?

- if so, then it is definitely an option worth looking at

- if not, then it could be risky. If the OP and her OH both go back to 'zero' in terms of how long they've been employed (as part of losing their 'seniority') then they have no protection against unfair dismissal in the first two years.

This isn't a risk that the OP has to take. But I do feel that the father should be willing to take that risk. He took it what 4/5 years ago (when the economy was already going down the pan and jobs were no longer safe). So what's the difference with doing it now?

- what employment opportunities actually exist in the area which is halfway between the two locations? From the OP's location, as shown on here, we're looking at areas where employment opportunities are very limited.

- the child's mother can still talk, but refuses to talk to the OP's husband. I completely agree with the advice which the OP has been given about putting things in writing.

All of this could be true, or it could work out. They won't know until they start looking into the options and trying.

- the grandparents did state that they want the child's father to take him more for 'holidays etc'.

Yes, but this may be because they feel that this is all that the father will be able to do, due to the distance. Perhaps they are offering an option, that they feel is most likely to be accepted. They may be overjoyed to hear that he'd like to visit once a month instead. Either way, he won't know until he starts communicating with them.

Devil's advocate question -

if it is unfair to uproot a five year old child from the school and friends he knows, and move him away from his grandparents and mother...

why is it fair to suggest uprooting other children, moving them away from the schools and friends that they know, and moving them away from their grandparents and other family - perhaps including a father?

there are a lot of people involved in this scenario, and decisions taken will impact on them all.

It isn't fair on the other kids, and I agree the decisions will affect many people. But, this is why I suggested a halfway point. Realistically, the child has a disabled mother, and grandparents who are struggling to look after him, so I don't think that a move (on their part) is possible unfortunately.

However, the current situation is grossly unfair on this little boy. Whatever's gone on between his parents is probably quite a mystery to him. He just knows that his Mum is disabled, his grandparents struggle, and his Dad is someone who moved 6 hours away from him and only sees him during holidays. I can't imagine that feels particularly comforting, or settled.

Perhaps another solution is for the father to live separately from the OP for a few years? I don't know how old her children are, and how long they will still be at home for, so maybe only a couple of years would be necessary? It might also not be financially viable, but is another option to consider.

Marisco

coolcait wrote: »

If a Mother causes problems in arranging contact between child and father, then distances start to become irrelevant. The child would still have difficulty getting access to his father, even if the father lived next door.

Ain't that the truth!!! My oh just lived a bus ride away, and the problems he had were unreal! Even with prearranged times, she'd decide to "go out", not answer the door, cause a scene on the doorstep in front of the kids!!:mad: It was just a nightmare!!

I've been reading this thread (in bits!!) and you (and a couple of others) are the only one who is giving impartial advice. The bitterness of some posts shine through TBH, so they are probably not best placed to advise.

euronorris

Was the contact between the mother and father already non-existant before the father moved? Or did she cease contact as a result of his move (because she was so angry at him)?

If it was the latter, him visting more often, and/or moving closer might actually lead to an improvement in communication.

If it was the former, then it is possible it will always be difficult. I wonder how good contact was, and has been, with the grandparents also? Could they perhaps help in establishing basic contact (at least) between mother and father?

BugglyB

I feel very sad for this little boy. I dont know what can be done, but I do know that very soon this little 5 year old will be 13, then 16, then 21, and what will be the answer to his question 'why did you not come and help when things were so bad for me?'

Well the economic climate at that time..

Well we had an outstanding mortgage..

Well there were other children to consider...

Only dad can say whether he will be comfortable and happy with that. Just like in the other scenario, only mum can say whether she thinks it is worth having to answer why did you take us away from daddy?.

emweaver

Dasa wrote: »

Yea and your posts really anger me. Who the hell are you to call someone a bit of skirt and demand that she gets her husband on here, MSE Mantra BE NICE

Well lets face it he can't be too bothered if he hasn't bothered asking advice and the fact he moved so far away when the mother was already incapacitated then with a toddler to look after , please come on.

killiebabe

May i add the grandparents only drove 1hour to a neutral meeting place an we drove the longer distance

Also to clarify my partner relations with his ex were over along time before the stroke.. ex partner had moved on with other relations, when exs health deterioated.

And as coolcait suggested by reading the facts.. I was deemed fit for work .. I have been back at work over 2 months now...

People seem to want to !!!! steer on here and not read the facts i.e times n dates posts were posted

Alot of the information i have posted has been twisted around .. Chewed up and spat back out at me.. But A BIG THANKS TO THE POSTERS WHO HAVE ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO READ THE FACTS.

FatVonD

Hi again, Killiebabe, you haven't commented thus far whether your husband would consider the suggestion of going down to stay locally to the ex for the odd weekend to provide some respite for the Grandparents, do you think it is feasible?