a fathers responcibilty to his kids

duchy

She's a mother not a saint !!!
It sounds as if the MIL is already the intermediary anyway.

(I do love it when the self righteous who have not ever walked in shoes remotely resembling the person's they are so quick to crique blather on about what they SHOULD do)

I still don't understand why the father thinks expecting the parents to take this poor child halfway is reasonable-If it's a long drive there are always trains or planes. As has been said again and again -the distance was of his making and choice and he and his new girlfriend won't move closer. Perhaps HE should be considering putting his child first ?

POPPYOSCAR

duchy wrote: »

She's a mother not a saint !!!
It sounds as if the MIL is already the intermediary anyway.

(I do love it when the self righteous who have not ever walked in shoes remotely resembling the person's they are so quick to crique blather on about what they SHOULD do)

I still don't understand why the father thinks expecting the parents to take this poor child halfway is reasonable-If it's a long drive there are always trains or planes. As has been said again and again -the distance was of his making and choice and he and his new girlfriend won't move closer. Perhaps HE should be considering putting his child first ?

I take it you have been in the OPs shoes then, as you seem to saying what she/they should do.

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

She's a mother not a saint !!!
It sounds as if the MIL is already the intermediary anyway.

Yes, she's a mother and should be thinking of her child's needs - and one of those is to keep contact with his father.

I still don't understand why the father thinks expecting the parents to take this poor child halfway is reasonable-If it's a long drive there are always trains or planes. As has been said again and again -the distance was of his making and choice and he and his new girlfriend won't move closer. Perhaps HE should be considering putting his child first ?

I think any parent who moves away should go the extra mile - really as well as metaphorically - in order to maintain contact. I think it's too much to expect a disabled mother to get a child halfway in this instance.

The previously mentioned idea of Dad going down once a month for a weekend is very good. There's no travelling for the child, the grandparents will have some respite, the father can see the situation at home and the two parents can perhaps get to talk face to face (if the mother will).

coolcait

duchy wrote: »

We only have the OP's word that the letter was "nasty"

It may very well be it was straightshooting and asking the father to man up and take responsibility for a journey that is impossible for his child's mother and very difficult for her elderly parents. Also to arrange dates ahead of time-remember the time he has their son is when they have a breather. It's tough enough to care for a five year old when you're getting on (actually it's tough at any age ) but they have their daughter's care needs too. Maybe if communication was better and dates arranged properly in advance

the OP has said that her partner has tried to arrange dates in advance, especially with the background that English and Scottish school holidays are different. These attempts have failed because the ex refuses to engage on the issue

they could get respite care for those times and have a break themselves? Carers get forgotten.....until they burn out and can't do it anymore. The parents need a break -and whilst not couched in the most tactful terms-that letter is asking a father to help with his own son -and sounds like they are to desperate to be polite about it (or have tried the subtle approach already and it sailed straight over his head-Men aren't always good with hints !)

If the father did leave the mother for the OP (something she's not denied)

The OP has stated on a number of occasions that her partner's relationship had ended before they got together. I don't see why she needs to make any more of a statment than that. To my mind, that would come close to pandering to prurient curiosity.

There are a lot of 'misunderstanding's of the OP's posts on here. There are at least a couple of instances of clear misrepresentation.

In terms of misunderstandings, you used the fact that the OP's stepdaughter is pregnant at the age of 17 to berate the OP's partner's parenting skills. However, you hadn't picked up on the fact that the OP's stepdaughter had been living with her grandparents and mother. You may have been confused by the input of another poster, who has seriously misunderstood/misrepresented the OP's posts.

I can understand not wanting to communicate with him or her -I was really angry for a long time with my ex not so much for his affair which was plain stupidity on his part and did him a lot of long term damage but the fact he was happy to swan off and leave me caring for our disabled son and my mother who shortly after we split had a brain anurism. He got all the fun stuff-his life went on -mine had ground to a halt and the first four years were damn tough . I can understand her resentment of him -that she feels he abandoned their family at a time he was needed the most.

You might understand why the ex doesn't want to communicate with the OP's partner. You clearly see some parallels between her story and yours. However, they are different stories, so don't blame the OP's partner for the sins of your ex. As for parents not communication with each other, however justified they may feel about it, I don't think that it is ever in children's best interests to see their parents act like that.

As for going for custody -frankly that disgusts me-wanting to take a child away from the only person who has consistently been in his life-especially when travelling for access visits would be difficult or impossible seems selfish at best.

You are making assumptions about how much the mother is 'in' the child's life. All we know for a fact is that they are 'in' the same house. The OP has stated that they have had the child, and his elder sibling, for access, and are keen to have more access (which, to date, has been rejected by the mither/in-laws)

The child has three people who love and care for him -they seem to be asking for him to help more and be better organized but communication is difficult -Really he needs to go talk to the parents if the mother won't connect with him and ask her what he can do to help and then work out between them what is best for everyone.....but I fear anyone who forces an elderly couple to drive 6 hours because he can't be bothered driving the full distance to collect his son himself isn't too good at thinking of others.

We know that the OP and her partner love and care for the child. We assume that the grandparents love him - we know that they care for him. We assume that the mother loves and cares for him.

Communication is difficult because the mother refuses to engage with the father. We have been told that she still has the power of speech, so the lack of communication is not down to physical reasons, but is due to her choice. I find that behaviour inexcusable - she is refusing to engage on issues to do with her child's welfare.

No one has forced an elderly couple to drive for six hours. The OP mentioned it as a bit of a 'rant' (she is an entitled to the 'just a rant' excuse as any other poster), but took on board the comments from others about that point.

Travel by train and plane is not necessarily quicker door-to-door. A three hour flight time (airport to airport) can take six to eight hours door to door - time to travel to the airport, time for check-in, security and boarding, plus extra travel time allowed in case of delays on the way to the airport (remember the recent poster who missed a flight?). At the other end, you've got passport control, then bus/train/tube connections to get to your destination. Same goes for train travel - unless you live next to the station.

coolcait

FatVonD wrote: »

Sorry to drag this thread back up when it had died a natural death but everybody seems to assume that the ex doesn't speak to the father because she's being difficult. Has nobody stopped to think that the poor woman has had a stroke and will be finding it incredibly difficult to speak at all for crying out loud? I've worked with somebody who had regained enough use of the rest of their body to return to work (albeit with taxis at either end) and it was still incredibly difficult for him to make himself understood, even face to face with the benefit of facial expressions and being able to see when he was trying to formulate a word. Over the phone, no chance!

The fact remains that the father chose to live 6 hours away from his child though he is able to visit.

The mother has not chosen to have her child a 6 hour journey away from her and would be unable to travel to see him.

Given that the OP seems unhappy on her husband's behalf about himhaving to make the entire 6 hour journey to collect the son he doesn't see for weeks at a time I can't see that he is going to be willing to deliver and collect his son from the mother's house so he can maintain contact with her so how exactly is that what's best for the child?

The OP stated earlier in the thread that the child mother's refusal to speak to the child' father is not due to impairment of her speech.

It is a choice she has made.

You've taken the OP's earlier views about her husband travelling the entire 6 hour journey, and used that as a basis for assuming that the husband won't be willing to do it. You can't know what the husband will or won't do. It is quite possible for one partner to carry out a task which makes their OH indignant on their behalf. In fact, it is a regualr topic of threads on this forum!

Also, that was a very early statement from the OP. I think she took it on board.

The child's father chose to move, and has made efforts to maintain contact with his child. The child is also integrated with his new extended family in Scotland.

The mother has chosen not to engage with the father. She has made no effort to work with him in arranging contact. I don't see how this is, or can be, in the child's best interests. Yet the mother's behaviour is ignored or excused.

FBaby

Why would the mother not want to talk to him unless there was deep resentment? And why would there be resentment if OP's partner has been acting like a good ex and dad. Why would the grand parents write 'nasty' letters? the mum might have a very good reasons for not wanting to speak to her ex and is being a good mum by letting her parents being the intermediate. He left to be with OP because she wouldn't move there should be absolutely no discussions about travelling he should do it all planning it in advance.

coolcait

FBaby wrote: »

Why would the mother not want to talk to him unless there was deep resentment? Assumption. And why would there be resentment if OP's partner has been acting like a good ex and dad. HUGE assumption. Why would the grand parents write 'nasty' letters? Because they kicked out their live-in help, but don't want to face the consequences (much less consider their actions towards their granddaughter?) the mum might have a very good reasons for not wanting to speak to her ex and is being a good mum by letting her parents being the intermediate. Or, she might be a selfish person, who has no interest in the welfare of her son He left to be with OP because she wouldn't move there should be absolutely no discussions about travelling he should do it all planning it in advance.

Some huge assumptions in there. Even if she does resent him, she should be ensuring that she does the right thing by her son, and deal with the co-parent in a reasonable way.

We have no idea if the OP refused to move to England all those years ago. This is another assumption about this story which has grown legs and is being treated as if it were a 'fact'. While many of the actual facts are being ignored!

For example, the OP's opening post made mention of the difficulties they have had trying to plan access in advance - because the mother won't engage. How do they overcome that huge difficulty?

POPPYOSCAR

I just get the impression that some posters will not be happy until the father has left the OP, gone back to live with his ex and be made to suffer for the rest of his life!

It does not matter anyway if he left to be with the OP(although I gather he did not) It does not matter that the mother 'rightly feels resentment'. What matters is the situation they now all find themselves in and how to work out a suitable solution for all of them and in the best interests of the child.

They all, including the mother, have to put any resentment to one side in order to achieve this.

Far too many parents do not seem to be able to do this and the children always end up suffering as a result.

janninew

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I just get the impression that some posters will not be happy until the father has left the OP, gone back to live with his ex and be made to suffer for the rest of his life!

It does not matter anyway if he left to be with the OP(although I gather he did not) It does not matter that the mother 'rightly feels resentment'. What matters is the situation they now all find themselves in and how to work out a suitable solution for all of them and in the best interests of the child.

They all, including the mother, have to put any resentment to one side in order to achieve this.

Far too many parents do not seem to be able to do this and the children always end up suffering as a result.

Agree with this, seem to be a lot of mind readers on this board - wish I had that skill! Also its very obvious that there are some very bitter people on here that judge all men badly due to their own circumstances.

The only thing that matters is the little boy, not what's best for Mum or Dad.

thatgirlsam

janninew wrote: »

Agree with this, seem to be a lot of mind readers on this board - wish I had that skill! Also its very obvious that there are some very bitter people on here that judge all men badly due to their own circumstances.

The only thing that matters is the little boy, not what's best for Mum or Dad.

Yes, thats right

Anyone who thinks a dad who moves a 6 hour drive away from a son with a disabled mother with questionable parenting skills (ops words) is a bitter man hater :rotfl:

I will agree all that matters is the welfare of the little boy