Child's Surname Different to Yours

actually_2006

I didn't change my name when I got married. Our daughter has her dad's name. I can't say it has ever been an issue or that I have ever felt embarrassed that we have different names. It certainly doesn't bother her.

In fact I would say it is almost worryingly a non-issue sometimes - I have flown abroad many times with my daughter and only ever once been asked at immigration whether she is my child.

We couldn't go double-barrelled as the names sound pretty silly one way round and a bit rude the other way round!

anguk

My kids have their dad's surname, we're not married, they're 25 and 18 now and it's never been a problem! For things like school etc I would just answer to Mrs A because it was easier the funniest times were when I was in hospital having the kids, the midwives gave my OH my surname.

I also think that it's not being married that bothers you more than the different names. Do you want a big wedding that will take 3 years to save for or would you be happy with a small, cheaper affair? If you're happy with a small wedding tell your OH and suggest a date.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Doesn't make a blind bit of difference after the initial 'why doesn't he want to marry me?' thoughts.


Got a phonecall today asking for Mrs M, rather than Ms Tightfisted.

'Well, yes, I'm Miss M's mum, but my name's Jojo Tightfisted. How can I help?'



It won't bother you, as you'll get used to it. As far as your relationship goes, well, that could be bothering you more, but with such a tiny baby, you need to consider whether this is a genuine problem for you, or whether you are feeling a bit vulnerable/likely to be abandoned/a bit less attractive due to just having had a baby.

Either is perfectly reasonable, but if it's a wobble because you're worrying if he loves you because you have a squishy belly, leaking boobs and constantly smell baby sick around you, nothing he could say would make that easier for you, as even if he married you tomorrow, you would think he only did it to shut you up and didn't mean it.

In the same way, if you're feeding the LO, or he's quite a demanding baby, and your OH isn't around much or isn't as absorbed with LO as you have to be, it might not be a problem, it might just be that becoming new parents is a little overwhelming for you. Non confrontational talking, maybe time out (grandparents to the rescue), might sort that - maybe even just a good night's sleep could.


Or you have pre existing concerns that have been thrown into relief by having LO.


It's hard to tell even when you have slept for more than 90 minutes in a row for the last two months.


So maybe now isn't the best time to be worrying about names.

evi3000

Both my children took their father's surname at birth. I kept mine because I am who I am. It doesn't bother me in the slightest that we have different surnames. My son attended a private catholic school (until we moved abroad for a few years) and no one there batted an eyelid.
The only problem I have encountered is coming through passport control on my own with the kids to be asked by UK border control:

"Are these your children?"
"Yes, they are."
"Do you have their birth certificates?"
"No, I have their passports!"

This has happened a few times. It also doesn't bother me because I very much doubt they'd stop me travelling back to the UK.
Nowadays, people don't care about different surnames in the same family.

*onlyme*

I am originally from Belgium and my husband is British. When we got married I kept my maiden name as that is what we do in Belgium, my husband agreed and also, that is who I am.

It was also easier from all paperwork / accounts etc point of view.

We then had our daughter and she took on my husband's surname.

Over the years, the amount of times I have had to say that we are married, well I have lost count... when she used to go to school they would address me with Mrs xxxxx (husband's surname) automatically, I never corrected them as makes no difference to me.

Daughter would have liked to have a dubbel barrelled name as she likes the idea of partly having a 'foreign' name.....(she still has a lot to learn lol)

fluffnutter

Fredula wrote: »

I was curious to see how others feel about this.

When an unmarried couple have children, the child usually presumably takes the fathers surname.

I have a 9 week old who has his father's surname. We are engaged, but OH is in no rush to get married (as in he says we'll get married in 3 years time but isn't starting to save or anything so it's obviously not going to be that soon).

I feel kind of sad that I don't have the same surname as my son. Similarly, if I had insisted that because we weren't married, he took my surname, I'm sure my OH would feel the same. I feel embarrassed that our names are different, and when I pick up his prescriptions and take him to the doctors and things, they always ask if his surname is the same as mine.

Is anybody else a similar situation and feels the same? How do you cope with it?

I will be once my baby's born in June. He or she will have its father's surname whilst I remain using my 'maiden' name.

However, we are married and this is my choice to retain my name. Hence it's my choice that my baby has a different name. Therefore all the peripheral things like you mention simply don't bother me.

I've highlighted what I think the root of your sadness is. I'm in the same situation as you ostensibly, yet I'm worlds apart because I've been the one to make the decisions whereas you're a victim of circumstance. I assume that when you do marry you'll take your OH's surname - the issue is that you're not married yet!

If you OH is willing, have you thought about changing your name to his anyway (by deed poll)? You don't have to be married to share a family name.

Elelyn

I had a different name to my mother growing up and I hated it. She was married to my father but changed her name following their divorce. I frequently used to ask if I could also change my name but she was reluctant to ask for my father's permission so it never happened. Perhaps it makes a difference that after they split up I never really had anything to do with my dad (his choice). When I got married myself it was very important to me to take my husbands surname so that when we had children we would all have the same name. I know it's only a name and it shouldn't make a difference but it does to me.

sausageface

My children have all got their Dad's surname and it has never bothered me or them - they have asked why my name is different but a quick explanation of "Daddy and I were never married" and they were happy with that - now they just ask me when am I getting married and I say I have to find someone first

I have been on holiday with them before and my mum and two younger sisters (who were young teenagers at the time) and we had three different surnames; mine and my Mum's was the same, my sisters' different and my childrens' different again - we did get funny looks off the check-in girls and have to explain our "set up" lol.

tea_lover

It can be tricky. If we ever manage to get pg our children will have my OH's surname not mine. Part of me will find that strange tbh. OH never had the same surname as his mum or older siblings, and he never really had any contact with his dad - so he's used to having a different name from the rest of his family. Which is partly why I think it will be nice for him to be the one to pass his name on.

It does seem as though you're perhaps more bothered about being married rather than the names in themselves though. As others have said, you can have a brilliant small wedding - there's no need to save for years if you'd rather just get on with it.

Best of luck with it all.

Birdy12

Fredula wrote: »

We are engaged, but OH is in no rush to get married (as in he says we'll get married in 3 years time but isn't starting to save or anything so it's obviously not going to be that soon).

I feel kind of sad that I don't have the same surname as my son. Similarly, if I had insisted that because we weren't married, he took my surname, I'm sure my OH would feel the same. I feel embarrassed that our names are different, and when I pick up his prescriptions and take him to the doctors and things, they always ask if his surname is the same as mine.

I took OH's surname when I got married, both DS and DD have OH's surname. If we hadn't been married, however, I would've still been happy for DS and DD to have OH's surname. Call me old fashioned (or weird) but I like that they have their father's surname.

Another friend and her OH couldnt agree on what type of wedding to have so chose to have a name changing ceremony instead.

2 people I know have had their husband change their surname to their name, for different reasons.

I have a friend like you, sad that she doesn't have the same surname as her sons. Her OH really isn't fussed about getting married...but she is. They're engaged but, short of her frogmarching him to the church, I can't see him taking it any further!

It sounds like you're really keen to get married and you're using the different surname to your son as a factor. If OH's not keen to get married, why not go for a name changing ceremony? Simple, cheap and you can still have a big party!