Is this abuse?

glossgal

Steel wrote: »

Words fail me. You are the most ignorant person I've had the misfortune to see on these boards for some time.

may I suggest you keep on ignoring the domestic abuse threads as you neither have the capacity to understand the suffering involved nor the spirit to be gentle and supportive with those undergoing it for however long it takes for them to reach a resolution to their problems.

Wow, someone had a nerve touched didn't they? I see you have your own experience of this which I'm assuming clouds your ability to be objective here. For the record yes I do find it annoying that someone would be that much in denial and more importantly willingly put her pet in danger again when she didn't need to and I had every right to say so. I do find it hard to have endless sympathy for those that wont help themselves but I am clearly not the only one as several of us have voiced frustration-does that makes us all ignorant too or are you angry with me because I actually came straight out with it? I have the 'capacity to understand' but that doesn't mean I have to blindly endorse her behaviour (she is not a child along for the ride in all this). That said I haven't been directly rude or insulting to the OP and neither has anyone else really-the 'gentle supportive' comments are what 80% of the thread? Some people choose what they want to see/hear.

Mojisola

glossgal wrote: »

I do find it hard to have endless sympathy for those that wont help themselves but I am clearly not the only one as several of us have voiced frustration-does that makes us all ignorant too or are you angry with me because I actually came straight out with it?

I have the 'capacity to understand' but that doesn't mean I have to blindly endorse her behaviour

It is even harder to understand why people will keep their children or pets in an abusive household. While a person may not feel they are "worthy" of being treated differently, I struggle with understanding why they won't protect others not capable of defending themselves.

Steel_2

glossgal wrote: »

Wow, someone had a nerve touched didn't they? I see you have your own experience of this which I'm assuming clouds your ability to be objective here. For the record yes I do find it annoying that someone would be that much in denial and more importantly willingly put her pet in danger again when she didn't need to and I had every right to say so. I do find it hard to have endless sympathy for those that wont help themselves but I am clearly not the only one as several of us have voiced frustration-does that makes us all ignorant too or are you angry with me because I actually came straight out with it? I have the 'capacity to understand' but that doesn't mean I have to blindly endorse her behaviour (she is not a child along for the ride in all this). That said I haven't been directly rude or insulting to the OP and neither has anyone else really-the 'gentle supportive' comments are what 80% of the thread? Some people choose what they want to see/hear.

I'm angry with you - steaming angry with you and others in fact - for unwittingly presenting the OP with a dilemma that is driving her backwards and has actually driven her to post elsewhere and not here (and no, you haven't said it directly, but by god you and others have made sure the insinuation is there):

Do what we are advising you to do or we won't be sympathetic anymore.
Do what we are advising you to do or you'll be an animal abuser.
Do what we want you to do or why bother coming back and posting

And so she hasn't. She's decided to go elsewhere and I am very glad for her. I think she'll find more understanding on the WA board.

There is an ugly mood brewing on this thread (and others for that matter) that if the OP doesn't do what people on here have suggested that perhaps she shouldn't post, that she shouldn't expect sympathy.

That is emotional blackmail.

I'm not objective because abuse isn't. There's no objectivity when someone spends years controlling your every action, emotion and feeling, and has behaviour patterns that work against you that defy logic or objectivity.

Cutting the thousands upon thousands of ties that abusers bind you to them takes time. Cutting through the layer upon layer, upon layer of the nasty black stuff they drown you in, sorting out what's real and normal, from what unreal and not takes time.

And if you had the slightest inkling of what it was like to be controlled every minute of every day for more than a decade (like the OP has been), we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I managed to break free from 35 years of abuse with someone like OP's husband and it took me three years to do so. There's no quick solution. If you go to soon, you're still vulnerable to their influence because you have not cut enough of the ties that bind you. You end up falling under their spell again.

londonsurrey

The OP has every right to choose to stay where she is.

However, if she chooses to introduce another potential victim into her household, it would be wrong for us to endorse it. We can't say "Oh poor you, of course it's fine for you to bring in and expose a child/your younger sister/an animal to your domestic situation".

THAT is where a line is crossed. Whilst she has a right to feel sad and helpless, it is not ok for her to recruit more victims.

Steel_2

londonsurrey wrote: »

The OP has every right to choose to stay where she is.

However, if she chooses to introduce another potential victim into her household, it would be wrong for us to endorse it. We can't say "Oh poor you, of course it's fine for you to bring in and expose a child/your younger sister/an animal to your domestic situation".

THAT is where a line is crossed. Whilst she has a right to feel sad and helpless, it is not ok for her to recruit more victims.

Truthfully, I care more about her.

If that dog's presence gives her more courage to stand up to her husband, to take back some of the control he has taken from her, to turn her into a stronger person capable of packing her bags and leaving I'm glad it's there helping her.

That dog was the trigger for her standing up to her husband. when he hurt it before, she interjected and stopped him. She did something that would never have done without that dog being there. She showed her husband there was a line, a line he never thought existed.

And I hope one day it turns around and bites OP's husband right the bllx. In fact, if that husband lays a finger on OP I have my fingers crossed it defends her.

HeatherintheHills

Steel, different things work for different people.

No-one in their right mind would expect the OP to do what people on a forum tell her to, regarding her own safety. That is her decision and hers only. But we can and should challenge her thinking, it is THE only way we can really help. That is not bullying.

Yes, some of our posts were hard to read, they were very hard to write, but there was the feeling that this thread had begun to enable BM's abuser instead of supporting BM in dealing with the situation. That had to be addressed. BM needed to have that consideration, along with others, presented to her.

Nobody wants to be unsympathetic, but sometimes endless sympathy and nothing else is not the best thing for someone in trouble.

I write this as someone who was given a good few very painful home truths on a forum. Those posts went a long way to helping me have my light bulb moment about the abusive relationship I was in. I'm not saying that approach is right for everyone, but it can and does help.

Would we have spent so much time, energy and shared such painful memories on this thread if we didn't care about BM?

Steel_2

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

Steel, different things work for different people.

No-one in their right mind would expect the OP to do what people on a forum tell her to, regarding her own safety. That is her decision and hers only. But we can and should challenge her thinking, it is THE only way we can really help. That is not bullying.

Yes, some of our posts were hard to read, they were very hard to write, but there was the feeling that this thread had begun to enable BM's abuser instead of supporting BM in dealing with the situation. That had to be addressed. BM needed to have that consideration, along with others, presented to her.

Nobody wants to be unsympathetic, but sometimes endless sympathy and nothing else is not the best thing for someone in trouble.

I write this as someone who was given a good few very painful home truths on a forum. Those posts went a long way to helping me have my light bulb moment about the abusive relationship I was in. I'm not saying that approach is right for everyone, but it can and does help.

Would we have spent so much time, energy and shared such painful memories on this thread if we didn't care about BM?

Who said anything about bullying? But now you mention it....

Well it wasn't right for her was it?

Because she's no longer posting here - she felt and said that the WA board would be more appropriate because people would understand why she was doing what she was doing

That spoke volumes to me.

Some people may care about OP - and some are here to look at the train wreck and pass comment (not you obviously!).

Mojisola

Steel wrote: »

I'm not objective because abuse isn't. There's no objectivity when someone spends years controlling your every action, emotion and feeling, and has behaviour patterns that work against you that defy logic or objectivity.

Cutting the thousands upon thousands of ties that abusers bind you to them takes time. Cutting through the layer upon layer, upon layer of the nasty black stuff they drown you in, sorting out what's real and normal, from what unreal and not takes time.

And if you had the slightest inkling of what it was like to be controlled every minute of every day for more than a decade (like the OP has been), we wouldn't be having this conversation.

It is almost impossible for someone who hasn't been abused to truly understand what it feels like because the way out looks so straightforward. Anyone who has been in that position knows it's anything but easy. It isn't just removing yourself from someone's physical presence that has to be done - you have to take them out of your head as well.

Women who do the one without the other often end up with another abusive man because they're stuck in that pattern of behaviour.

If having the dog around is giving BM the courage to stand up for herself, I can see why she took it back home but it worries me that the dog is more like a barometer - as long as he isn't hurting the dog, I'm alright - which is putting her pet into the front line.

Steel_2

Mojisola wrote: »

If having the dog around is giving BM the courage to stand up for herself, I can see why she took it back home but it worries me that the dog is more like a barometer - as long as he isn't hurting the dog, I'm alright - which is putting her pet into the front line.

Now that I agree with and it's a worry for me to, but for the moment, I'm keeping faith in the OP, that she will keep the strength she has built up and add to it with the dog's help.

Animals can be amazing. They can arouse feelings in us that smash through mental blocks like nothing else.

londonsurrey

Steel wrote: »

Truthfully, I care more about her.

If that dog's presence gives her more courage to stand up to her husband, to take back some of the control he has taken from her, to turn her into a stronger person capable of packing her bags and leaving I'm glad it's there helping her.

That dog was the trigger for her standing up to her husband. when he hurt it before, she interjected and stopped him. She did something that would never have done without that dog being there. She showed her husband there was a line, a line he never thought existed.

And I hope one day it turns around and bites OP's husband right the bllx. In fact, if that husband lays a finger on OP I have my fingers crossed it defends her.

I suppose that this is where I don't regard the dog as a disposable commodity.

If she chose to get pregnant, or bring a young relative into the mix, I would say the same. She is wrong to risk the wellbeing of another. Whether this other lifeform gives her courage is a benefit to HER that doesn't cancel out the fact that this benefit is at the cost of risk to another.

I'm with you on the husband getting his just desserts. I'd also like to plant the idea in the OP's head that she equally capable of biting and doesn't need a dog to do it.