Is this abuse?

lessonlearned

Mojisola wrote: »

This worries me because I wonder whether this is a subconscious dare - will he stay being "nice" to me or will his true colours show and he'll hurt the dog. If he does that, I'll know I am right to leave - but it will be too late for the dog.

Totally unacceptable!

You've raised a very interesting point here. I haven't dared to say this before because I wasn't sure how to word it and didn't want to upset anyone, because obviously it doesn't happen in all cases of abuse.

However, in some cases there can be a direct correlation between the Victim's behaviour and the Abuser's treatment of the Victim.

There can be a very unhealthy vicious circle whereby the Victim, because they have become so cowed and frightened, actually enable the Abuser to continue with the abuse.

Sometimes the Victim's very passivity will so enrage the Abuser that the Abuser will step up the abuse purely to get some kind of reaction. Abusers usually get a kick out of what they are doing - if they don't get what they perceive to be the desired reaction they have to increase the abuse.

BM If you wish to continue in this warped and twisted relationship there's nothing anyone can do - only you have the answer. You know what you have to do. However, I just wish you would see the folly of your ways regarding involving your dog.

If you truly loved your dog you would not be putting her at risk.

You are either playing a peverted game or you are subconsciously hoping that your abuser will shift his attention from you to your dog.

Neither of those scenarios are particularly edifying and they do not reflect well on you. You really should rethink that one.

Ask yourself this - if your dog were your son or daughter what would you do.

geoffky

He will kill the dog one day and when you try to intervene you will get the hiding of your life..because he is a sociopath.........read and read again.

thorsoak

There is a rather crude saying which is of extreme relevance here - it is EITHER SH*T - OR GET OFF THE POT!

If Butterflymind is for real - and not just collecting other people's stories for a novel/true life story - then this thread is just feeding her.

alwaysonthego_2

My ex DH was emotionally abusive towards me, even refusing to sleep in the same bed as me or hug me. Every month he would pack his bags and threaten to leave taking the kids beds and clothes with him, afterwards I found his was mind games so I would beg him not to go. He refused to talk to me and lacked any type of empathy, for example when I was heavily pregnant and feeling faint and I needed to take a seat he would call me pathetic. The last straw was when he told me I was boring and not to bother speaking to him. I went on to divorce him and it is the best thingI ever did. My DDs are more settled and I ended up meeting the most wonderful man ever who treats me with respect and is very loving and we have a baby together and he is wonderful with my DDs

beautiful_ravens

This thread makes me want to weep and get angry at the same time. I know the self doubt that stops BM from going, and the disbelief, the 'is this really abuse' question is still there. It can be quite hard to believe that anything other than violence is classed as abuse, until youre out of the situation with a fresh vantage point.
Like I posted earlier, 10/11 years of it for me. During that time people said 'leave him' but it was too hard; and I did leave, but we 'tried again' and nothing was different. Even from a time when I knew it was totally over and I should get out, there was still 5 more years of plodding along and not leaving. But then I never started a thread like this or got all this advice. I mentioned it in one or two places but responses had this 'youre stupid for not leaving, its your own fault' tone to them, which made me feel defensive- I didnt want to be 'stupid for not leaving', so I made other excuses to stay - mainly the kids.

In the end, leaving was still the only way to stop it all. If you could bottle that after-leaving-feeling of liberation and relief and give it to BM, it might work for her, otherwise, looks like shes going to put up with it indefinately.
But I hope Im wrong of course.

Suspiria

sassyblue wrote: »

I don't think BM will ever leave, despite what he does to her or the dog. She'll always make an excuse or blame herself.

If this thread is even true, l mean do WA actually not respond to calls for help?

In my dealings with WA they always got back to me when they said they would. Like a previous poster, i too have suffered broken bones, and i really do not know where i would be now if it wasnt for WA. Because of the nature of their work they cannot afford not to get back to people, and all the WA staff i met are very dedicated to their work. Wonderful people!

alwaysonthego_2

if you google the 'Cycle of Change model' it does help explain why people do not leave an abusive situation. They need recognise they need to change in order to leave the abusive situation. It is very difficult to leave my fear was being alone and the kids of course, but my life and the kids has improved and they have an happy mummy. It took me a few years to have the confidence to leave, but when you are getting comments thrown at you such as 'you're useless' you do start believing them. My OH has helped rebuild my confidence and encouraged me to discover the real me

thehappybutterfly

Like I said in one of my earlier posts, it took a punch in the face from my ex before I made the decision to leave. That was after two years of mostly emotional and verbal abuse but mixed in with violence which got steadily worse over the years. Once the punch came, I knew it was downhill from there on in so made the decision to leave but, oh it was hard to do. I was so scared at what the rest of my life held. And I didn't feel like I could go running to friends and family (not that I had any friends left) - in case they turned their backs on me.

I too have fluctuated between tears and frustration and I'd like to apologise to you Butterflymind for losing patience with you. Everyone's situation is different and it's easy for us to say "get out" but we're all sat at home feeling stronger for leaving and getting ourselves out of our personal situation. If we cast our minds back to how WE felt all those years ago, would we have listened to this advice? We may have listened but acted on it? I doubt it. I certainly wouldn't have. I would have said "but you don't understand..." or "but he's not like this all the time...." - sound familiar?

I honestly wish you all the very best butterflymind. I'm sure you will come to your senses - in your OWN time. But I am still concerned about your dog. And your redundancy money. I predict that your OH will harm your dog and find a way to get his mitts on your money and then I think you'll find it in you to leave. Better late than never though.

Lots of love and good luck for your future xx

Mrs_Arcanum

One thing you need to keep repeating to yourself BM is "I am the one who CAN change". Sadly, until you really understand this he will continue to totally control you and your life, as he will NEVER change.

Boots888

I read through this post yesterday and only wanted to express my utter disgust how many posters have turned on the OP in recent days.

This lady confided on here, only in March, about a potentially dangerous situation and a real dilemma. She has a very difficult change to make and because she's not yet ready to do what she might need to do, many poster's are now vilifying her.

From going to giving great advice to questioning her motives for posting is SICK.

You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Many victims (from what I've read, not one myself) live in fear for years before gaining the necessary support - all around and this thread being the beginning of getting that help to enable them to move on.

Give the girl a break!!!

As for the response about OP taking the dog back - quite frankly it's been nothing short of HYSTERIA!!