Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you - hard words hit home too. Realise that I have to be the one to change things, no=one is coming to the rescue, miracles aren't going to happen, have to make it happen...

I will contact WA again, and will post on their forum.

Thanks GV, makes me feel less awful about myself...

OH still being ok.... Still feel bad about complaining...


Doglet is doing fine and he hasnt done anything.

BM

Tamsin_Temrin

Butterflymind wrote: »

Doglet is doing fine and he hasnt done anything.

BM

Yet

Get the dog out of there.

glossgal

I've read this thread from day 1 but not posted as the advice/comments so far have been excellent-but OP is really starting to get on my bits quite frankly.

Despite the actual point of the thread, OP won't acknowledge that abuse is not just physical-its been pointed out how many times but still she makes excuses such as I feel bad for complaining, other people have it worse, he's being ok blah blah. I'm not suggesting for one moment the complexity of an abusive relationship is easy to walk away from-but some grain of realisation would encourage me that she 'gets' it. I don't think she does-which is why this thread is becomming very very boring. Until she has the will to understand the concept she will never ever change her behaviour. It's that simple. Move along-nothing more to see.

And as for 'doglet'-btw adults call them dogs-well dysfunctional people will attract other dysfunctional people and always try to draw other vulnerables into their web of misery-sadly true to the script this now includes a defenceless creature. OP has conveniently glossed over all the comments about this which just proves to me she is nowhere near the stage she needs to be at to leave. I genuinely hope she gets there one day but then some folk just thrive on being a victim. I feel this thread is only serving to encourage that mindset now.

kelpie35

glossgal wrote: »

I've read this thread from day 1 but not posted as the advice/comments so far have been excellent-but OP is really starting to get on my bits quite frankly.

Despite the actual point of the thread, OP won't acknowledge that abuse is not just physical-its been pointed out how many times but still she makes excuses such as I feel bad for complaining, other people have it worse, he's being ok blah blah. I'm not suggesting for one moment the complexity of an abusive relationship is easy to walk away from-but some grain of realisation would encourage me that she 'gets' it. I don't think she does-which is why this thread is becomming very very boring. Until she has the will to understand the concept she will never ever change her behaviour. It's that simple. Move along-nothing more to see.

And as for 'doglet'-btw adults call them dogs-well dysfunctional people will attract other dysfunctional people and always try to draw other vulnerables into their web of misery-sadly true to the script this now includes a defenceless creature. OP has conveniently glossed over all the comments about this which just proves to me she is nowhere near the stage she needs to be at to leave. I genuinely hope she gets there one day but then some folk just thrive on being a victim. I feel this thread is only serving to encourage that mindset now.

Have to agree 100% with all you have said.

Mojisola

glossgal wrote: »

Until she has the will to understand the concept she will never ever change her behaviour. It's that simple.

OP has conveniently glossed over all the comments about this which just proves to me she is nowhere near the stage she needs to be at to leave. I genuinely hope she gets there one day but then some folk just thrive on being a victim. I feel this thread is only serving to encourage that mindset now.

Unfortunately, even people who are being very violently abused still struggle to walk away from the relationship. The amount of psychological control that an abuser can exert is immense. One of the things they rely on is that people who might help their victim get frustrated and walk away.

With someone who is in thrall to gambling or drugs it's much easier to see where support turns into enabling and easier to do the "tough love" thing and stand aside until they show they are ready to change.

As people who might help a victim of abuse turn away, it leaves them more vulnerable to the abuser. "Everything he/she is telling me must be right - it's all my fault - even my family and friends can't stand being around me."

BM is in about as good a position as possible to leave at the moment. She has money, she has people willing to support her and is known to the DV group.

If I was able to be there, I would be tempted to force a situation where he would show his true colours but that could be dangerous for BM if she did that on her own.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you again for support...

Kelpie and Glossgirl - you may well be right. Really trying hard not to feel sorry for myself... Trying not to make any more excuses for OH behaviour. Think the best way is to contact WA again and get help so I don't repeat the cycle any more... I am getting fed up with myself.....

Mojisola - feel like confronting OH on it, tired of trying to appease/please and getting bullied, criticised, worse...

Looked at house prices. We could sell and each get something smaller & make a clean break....

Tired of dreaming how great it would be to be at peace in my own place... All advice on here has been brilliant, but, none of it's any good if I do nothing...

BM

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

Mojisola - feel like confronting OH on it, tired of trying to appease/please and getting bullied, criticised, worse...

It could be dangerous to do that alone. If he thinks that you are slipping away from his control, who knows what his reaction might be.

Get away quietly. Don't risk a confrontation.

kelpie35

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Tired of dreaming how great it would be to be at peace in my own place... All advice on here has been brilliant, but, none of it's any good if I do nothing...

BM

Well what are you going to do???????????????????????????:mad:

Suspiria

Mojisola wrote: »

In what kind of relationship does one partner need to protect their pet from the other partner? Not a healthy one!

I am also upset that you have brought the dog back to the house. If you want to be a willing partner in his manipulative games, that is your choice and you will suffer the consequences. Your dog has no such choice.

I have followed this thread from the start and was initially very worried about the op for quite some time. However, i now believe the op is an attention seeking troll (apologise if im wrong), and i just do not believe her story. She has had so much incredibly good advise from other posters here. They have also shared their very own personal experiences all to no avail. The op says she has now brought the dog back into the house. Well if this was a true story i would find her action in doing this sickening, and i would report them for animal cruelty if i knew their address, as the op will be as much to blame as her partner is if anything happens to that poor dog as she brought the poor creature back into the house knowing what her partner is like. She says she is protecting the dog!!!! It really does beggar belief!

Melonade

kelpie35 wrote: »

Well what are you going to do???????????????????????????:mad:

OOOH the magic question

Dear all

Tired of dreaming how great it would be to be at peace in my own place... All advice on here has been brilliant, but, none of it's any good if I do nothing...

BM

Maybe you should stop dreaming and actually start doing

Your in a better position than most people being abused!!! It's a bit like wanting to book an expensive cruise that you've dreamed about all your life when you've got the money to do it but then not, making excuses etc...

You've got money, support and friends, You aren't being locked indoors or beaten (yet)... I'd say go but you'll start feeling sorry for yourself etc. I'm starting to see people are getting fed up with giving advice and listening to you make excuses... mainly feeling sorry for yourself. You missed the boat when he was in hospital... maybe you like getting the sympathy