Is this abuse?

Hovel_lady

I have fostered animals belonging to women who have escaped domestic abuse until they could have them back when they had a permanent home.

The lady I spoke to at the charity told me some absolutely heartbraking stories of animals being killed before the women finally left.

Is that what you want to happen to your dog Butterflymind?

For goodness sake stop making excuses and leave.

RacyRed

CATS wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have been following your posts and had a lot of sympathy for you at the start, I have not posted as all the advice you have already been given is really good. However I am now feeling rather frustrated, are you just getting a kick out of the situation and the fact that so many kind people are replying and supporting you? I am sorry to sound harsh but you are starting to sound very pathetic, almost as if you are enjoying it all, and enjoy being a victim and getting sympathy from strangers. Your poor dog, how irresponsible you are, why bring her home? what are you going to do if he kicked her? what are you going to do if he punched her? how are you going to protect her? simple, you wont, you will stand there and let him do it and then come here to get sympathy, what else are you waiting for? When he hurts her then it will be your fault and you can feel guilty about. Grow up and get your dog out of there

The bit in bold. There will be very little sympathy for BM here if she allows her dog to be hurt. Sorry to sound so harsh but as stated many times already by so many posters, BM can make choices, her dog cannot.

Tamsin_Temrin

It is really hard to leave dv. Google any of the cycle of abuse or stockholm syndrome or codependency stuff, it isnt easy.

atm cface is being nice - op isnt as trapped as she could be so hes got to play nicey nicey. Why leave when he is being so much less nasty than normal. OP isnt actually having a mc is she? It is easier to blank it out. And those who suffer under this think that perhaps if they had been stronger, explained better, done something differently, done this, not done that then it would be all right and HE would understand and be the loving person that the victim craves and that the abuser would finally stop abusing them and the little glimpses of affection would be there all the time.

It never happens. The OPs husband is happy to see her suffer - prefers it. There is nothing in the posting that suggests he wants her to be even content.

That lady who had her eyes gouged out - that was after years of physical abuse which is easier to point at and say - look - heres the bones he broke. Mental abuse, sleep deprivation, it takes its toll but is harder to put your finger on. It is HARD. And it is designed to stop the victim leaving. As soon as there is a hint of resistence then the abuser eases off until the victim is back under the cosh.

If this is a wind up thats okay by me because there are lots of women out there (and men) who are in the same position and this advice could help them. I will take the risk because it may help someone else, or someone watching helplessly from the outside as a loved one is destroyed by the person that is supposed to cherish them the most.

Butterfly mind - having said that, and having tried to give you support, if you dont get that dog out of there I hope you rot in hell.

faerie~spangles

For the life of me I don't understand you (BM) telling us the you are waiting for WA to get back to you. No one and I mean no one is going to ride up on a white charger and rescue you. You have to make that decision. You and you alone. WA will help you in every way they can once you decide to leave. They will help you leave but you have to make that commitment.

As for bringing doglet back into the home... well that just defies belief! Doglet was safe where she was. Why oh why have you placed her in danger? Not only that you are intelligent enough to realise that having doglet with you will make it that much harder to find temporary accommodation, should you actually leave.

You are telling us that you have gone against your abusers wishes and put your redundancy money into your own savings account. Did you do that in order to goad him into some kind of violent reaction so that you could justify leaving him? Are you and he locked into some kind of control games/lifestyle? (I know I was before I left my ex)

You now have money in your account, you have access to a car. You could very easily leave during the wee small hours when creepoid is sleeping. Drive to the nearest police station and ask for help. As soon as you do that help will be put in place.


My head is getting sore banging it against this brick wall you have erected.

lessonlearned

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you for replying, even the negative replies, I know you are right.


I am taking tablets (a/d's) and counselling for all that's happened.


I deserve the flak, for keeping little dog here, but I am looking after her. Just feel selfish for needing her. I won't let OH touch her.

Please try and stay positive for me if you can,
BM

I don't think people are being negative, they are being realistic - a big difference. That's what you need right now - a healthy dose of realism.

I understand that you need your a/d's but here's the thing they can blunt your feelings and blur your thinking. A/d's are notorious for making you feel "woolly". I'm not suggesting you stop taking them but just be aware that it can be very hard to think straight when you are dosed up with pills.

Re your dog. I've highlighted this in bold - because it is so important. You are clearly not thinking straight - yes you may need your little dog for comfort but you are putting her at such a terrible risk.

You must be strong and totally unselfish. If you really love your little dog as much as you say you do you would not endanger her like this. You must take her out of this dangerous situation. Now. Today.

You took your dog into your home in the first place, you owe her a duty of care. She is utterly defenceless. You are not looking after her, you are deluding yourself if you believe that.

If your dog defended herself or you and attacked your OH in self defence she would have to be put down - that's the law.

We are trying to stay optimistic for you - but you are not really helping yourself or us.

Most of the posters on here have been and continue to be extremely concerned about you and very supportive of you.

However I think many of us have been very shocked about you taking your poor little dog back into such a dangerous and toxic environment.

If you are getting some flak - that is the reason.

Melonade

BM I think you need to stop making excuses for staying. Bringing your dog home is totally unforgivable imo and I hope nothing happens to her... for no one elses sake but hers. Lets face it, if she was hurt by him you'd only have yourself to blame and you'll have to live with it.

People have given their views (some very distressing to read) and advice and we've all answered the question "is this abuse". I can understand people being in difficult relationships and finding it hard to leave... I just don't think you are actually in that kind of situation. People have walked out on their own, with kids, with the only belongings they have being the clothes on their backs. You've got money, somewere to go, people who care and the opportunity to start again....

A few months ago I was in the car with OH on the way home from a meal and we saw a woman dragging a suitcase and carrier bags in one hand and a small child in the other. I didn't realise till we'd got home that it was just befor pub closing time and she looked like she was doing a runner... definatley not going on holiday thats for sure. She definatley looked like she was trying to get away from something. I silently wished her well and I hope she's managed to start again with her young child.

I was gonna write more but how many different ways are there to say "leave, now, go, start again, take your dog" I think you like the attention of this thread and it upsets me that people have given you advice (from their own personal situations) and you are just doing nothing with it. You will be like this forever, you had the opprtunity to go and wasted it...

Caroline_a

I hope londonsurrey won't mind, but I've borrowed one of her posts on Lexxi's thread.

Originally Posted by londonsurrey
I know it's hard, and I've been there. I married my first boyfriend too.

There you are, living your life, decent hardworking professionals, helpful to neighbours and strangers, supportive of family, generous to all kinds of charities, worrying about pensions and holidays, wary of burglars and conmen.

Then BANG. Suddenly, it seems that the biggest danger, the biggest threat to the family unit is the person you trust most in your life. That decent bloke, that so many people like, that your heart and soul is centred around, is acting like some kind of demanding scrounger, uncaring about you.

In the blink of an eye, you've been transformed from respectable wife to one of those conned women who took up with a dodgy geezer, the type that you see in films and newspapers, and people tut sadly at. This can't be true, how could this happen?

Can you answer this question with no ifs or buts - would you want your daughter married to a man exactly like him?

I think it also applies to you BM. I'm not sure if we are enabling you, or if it's a case of us saying 'leave, take dog' and you say 'ah but what if..'

I don't actually think any of us can offer any more help or advice. You have our advice, you just need to act (or not) on it. I wish you luck. The future is in your own hands, and if you think that this man has suddenly turned over a big leaf and has turned into Prince Charming then good on him. Personally I think leopards never change their spots and that you will be posting on here for a while, or at least while people are responding.

SophieCat

Also, what happens when your OH becomes jealous of your dog? Jealous of the fact that you're paying more attention to her & not waiting on him/giving him your undivided attention. That's when he's likely to take it out on her to punish you/get a reaction. I really hope this isn't the case.

Janey3

Aaw, love, he's being so nice to you now because he thinks he's secure now you've got your money through. Won't be long before he's trotting to the bank with you for a little pay-out and when it runs out?

I don't think anything we say to you now will change things for you, you will stay and take what comes and of course that's your decision ultimately. I'm so very sorry.

Maz

SophieCat wrote: »

Also, what happens when your OH becomes jealous of your dog? Jealous of the fact that you're paying more attention to her & not waiting on him/giving him your undivided attention. That's when he's likely to take it out on her to punish you/get a reaction. I really hope this isn't the case.

I am at an absolute loss to understand why, (given that your OH has peviously been cruel to her) you would expose a defenceless much-loved pet to his behaviour again????

Do you think you will be able to defend her?? Seriously??

Sorry but your own behaviour here totally bu99ers belief.