Is this abuse?

glossgal

....no no no. Being angry that someone willingly puts an animal in danger is not hysteria-it is a completely appropriate response to what is an incredibly selfish act. The OPs partner has already demonstrated mild abuse to the dog ie pulling its legs, laughing at how he is breaking its spirit. What would you prefer we say? 'There there if it makes you feel better dear'....not on my watch.

As for turning on OP I've made what may have appeared to be harsh comments so I suppose this could be adressed to me. All I'll say is that if someone has the intelligence to suspect they are being abused and asks for advice and is told over and over that the behaviour described is not normal and is cold, uncaring at best then I think its right to expect that to sink in. Nobody expects her to run out on him in the space of a week but what is angering people is the going backwards. OP seemd to be 'getting it' then did an about face and started to act as if the thread had never gained the momentum it clearly had. This is fine-the OP doesn't owe me anything and she can do what she likes but she can't expect ongoing sympathy on a forum like this if she isn't willing to help herself. The dog thing is just the tip of the iceberg. I usually avoid domestic violence threads for two reasons-one I've never been in that position and two if I'm honest there's a point at which I personally feel you stop becomming a victim and become a volunteer. We are all adults-one shot and if you choose to let the will of someone else overum your own then that is YOUR CHOICE. Not a popular view I'm sure but as much as I would wish the OP well I would rather reserve sympathy for people who are victims of things they have no control over.

Bitsy_Beans

With all due respect glossgal you only have to read the sheer number of posters who have admitted it took years for them to leave and yet people are getting cross because BM hasn't done it in a few months.
Whilst folk are well meaning in their support what BM also requires is patience. As much as I would love her to walk out of that door she can't be doing it for me she needs to be doing it for herself. But that requires tackling some pretty difficult emotional stuff, complicated and fcuked up feelings. It's far too simplistic to suggest its all down to "just" choosing to let another person overrun your feelings.


However all of the above it a moot point since BM hasn't been back on MSE since 3rd June and considering she felt people didn't want her to post I see no reason for that to change.

HeatherintheHills

Boots888 wrote: »

Give the girl a break!!!

BM's GP recommended she take a break from the situation. She hasn't.

Do you think her OH is going to give her a break? Well he might, but not the sort we would like her to have.

Sympathy and understanding were followed by shock tactics. We cannot make BM do anything other than think. So make her think is what we must do. There is one hell of a lot at stake here.

Mrs.W_2

The OP has now left this thread and forum. She recognised her problems had no 'quick fix', and went to seek advice on a forum where almost all the posters understand something of her situation.

The sniping that follows such a course of action seems to be par for the course round here. Though that does not stop it being any the less repellent.

kelpie35

However all of the above it a moot point since BM hasn't been back on MSE since 3rd June and considering she felt people didn't want her to post I see no reason for that to change.[/QUOTE]

It wasn't a case of people not wanting her to post.

The OP came here with a question and obviously didn't like what she was being advised to do.

If you read the whole thread you will note the OP only started to post on a regular basis when people were getting frustrated about her actions especially about the dog.

OP was the one asking advise and that is what she got.

All seems rather strange to me. :think:

lizzie157

RainbowDreamer wrote: »

In my experience WA do phone back as promised. They are very very helpful. Plus there are numerous numbers you can ring (some of them free to call) where you are given excellent advice and can be referred to a support worker that you see weekly face to face.
Obviously they are very busy and will prioritise people who are in great immediate danger. BUT I still find they get back to you within a couple of days max..

In my experience they don't! Am waiting for a reply to an admittedly non-urgent in terms of am not being physically abused matter, but in terms of me being able to move forward a reply would have been helpful matter. Have been waiting over a week and still no answer. This isn't the first time I've tried to contact them either and received no answer. Whilst I appreciate that most situations are worse than my own it would be good to get the info you need especially if the situation may escalate into a more serious issue.

Mojisola

Mrs.W wrote: »

The OP has now left this thread and forum. She recognised her problems had no 'quick fix', and went to seek advice on a forum where almost all the posters understand something of her situation.

Actually, there is a quick fix - just not one that she's ready to act on.

She has the financial means and the opportunity to leave. I hope she is able to find the courage to push on the open door and make a new life for herself before those things are taken away from her.

Steel_2

Hi Butterfly

Posting on the off-chance you're still looking.

I can't believe how far you've come since you posted in March!!!:T:T:T

Back then you had an inkling that something wasn't right, but with your illness and trying to defend yourself against the onslaught of your OH's behaviour your mind wasn't letting you see it.

Now it is. You know what's going on. You're sooooo much stronger and self-aware than you were in March. It's incredible.

I pleased your little doggy appears to be giving you so much strength to stand up and be counted. Do you have a plan for what you might do with him when you go back to work (notice I said when, not if - I reckon in a few short months you'll be ready to get back out there ). Will you drop him off at your aunt's during the day and pick him up when you get back?

Keep on with the WA and good plan to post on their forum. Link this thread back to your thread on there so they can see some of the posts you've made and also how far you come.

Keep that redundancy money nice and safe (not to mention all the paperwork about it)- that's your money for your new place to live one day and will be vital for you. Of course you don't say that to anyone - tell your OH you're putting it aside for your retirement as the last few months without a job will mean a hole in your pension that has to made up.

You may find that gets a little more difficult to do this as time passes - your OH may want you to spend that money on things like home improvements, a new car etc etc and could get annoyed at you when you don't give in. He may get a wee bit suspicious about what you plan to do with it and try and force your hand. Things may suddenly 'break' and need replacing using your redundancy money. Stay open to the possibility of those attempts being made so you don't feel forced to back down and give in.

Keep talking to people - it's vital you don't allow yourself to become cut off again because that way lies the path of control over you. Other people's normal reactions will also keep reinforcing to you how odd your OHs behaviour is when he's playing up.

You rock girl :T

Take care and keep strong.

xxSteelxx

Steel_2

Boots888 wrote: »

I read through this post yesterday and only wanted to express my utter disgust how many posters have turned on the OP in recent days.

This lady confided on here, only in March, about a potentially dangerous situation and a real dilemma. She has a very difficult change to make and because she's not yet ready to do what she might need to do, many poster's are now vilifying her.

From going to giving great advice to questioning her motives for posting is SICK.

You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Many victims (from what I've read, not one myself) live in fear for years before gaining the necessary support - all around and this thread being the beginning of getting that help to enable them to move on.

Give the girl a break!!!

As for the response about OP taking the dog back - quite frankly it's been nothing short of HYSTERIA!!

I couldn't agree with you more about the disgusting posts on here popping up more frequently trying to force the OP to do what they want in the timescales they want, not what she wants.

They've been rude, domineering, occasionally abusive, hurtful, and to be frank self-esteem damaging.

Do you people responsible realise that the way you are speaking to her is the same way her OH speaks to her? How do I know? Because my abusive, domineering and controlling father (and ex for that matter) speaks to me in the same way as some of these posts have been written and it makes you upset, confused, ashamed - both of your weakness and apparent inability to do the 'right' thing. It knocks you back.

These posts upset me when I read them so heaven knows what they did to BM.

If people's don't like the course of action the OP is taking or how long it is taking her to rebuild her strength and self-esteem, don't bother posting anymore. Go somewhere else and comment on threads that have a nice happy ending in a finite time span.

She will go when she's good and goddamn ready. Just as I did and many other women before me.

If you don't like that, tough. It's not about you.

Steel_2

glossgal wrote: »

....no no no. Being angry that someone willingly puts an animal in danger is not hysteria-it is a completely appropriate response to what is an incredibly selfish act. The OPs partner has already demonstrated mild abuse to the dog ie pulling its legs, laughing at how he is breaking its spirit. What would you prefer we say? 'There there if it makes you feel better dear'....not on my watch.

As for turning on OP I've made what may have appeared to be harsh comments so I suppose this could be adressed to me. All I'll say is that if someone has the intelligence to suspect they are being abused and asks for advice and is told over and over that the behaviour described is not normal and is cold, uncaring at best then I think its right to expect that to sink in. Nobody expects her to run out on him in the space of a week but what is angering people is the going backwards. OP seemd to be 'getting it' then did an about face and started to act as if the thread had never gained the momentum it clearly had. This is fine-the OP doesn't owe me anything and she can do what she likes but she can't expect ongoing sympathy on a forum like this if she isn't willing to help herself. The dog thing is just the tip of the iceberg. I usually avoid domestic violence threads for two reasons-one I've never been in that position and two if I'm honest there's a point at which I personally feel you stop becomming a victim and become a volunteer. We are all adults-one shot and if you choose to let the will of someone else overum your own then that is YOUR CHOICE. Not a popular view I'm sure but as much as I would wish the OP well I would rather reserve sympathy for people who are victims of things they have no control over.

Words fail me. You are the most ignorant person I've had the misfortune to see on these boards for some time.

may I suggest you keep on ignoring the domestic abuse threads as you neither have the capacity to understand the suffering involved nor the spirit to be gentle and supportive with those undergoing it for however long it takes for them to reach a resolution to their problems.