Is this abuse?

Froom2

BM,
I'm glad you have your savings safe!

In my opinion there is only really one question you need to be asking yourself right now:

Are you happy?

If yes, then carry on by all means... If no, then you need to change things - and it doesn't matter if it is your fault or his!!! It really doesn't matter!! You must remember that people break up over FAR smaller issues than what you have described. You are completely within your rights to do what you want to do, and you don't need to use anyone's opinion on if you are imagining it or anything in order to decide that...
...does that make sense? :S
That's what I think anyway. I think that if you are unhappy then that is reason enough.

What I'm saying, is that even if people say to you that yes, depression can make paranoia and that we haven't heard another side, the fact is that feelings are always going to be subjective. And a person is allowed to decide that they aren't happy and move into a different phase of life. And again, people have broken up over far smaller issues.

I'll shush now And keep going BM, have courage!

~Froom~

Valli

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Redundancy in my savers account (my name only), despite OH saying not to, & left some to cover over draft in joint account (bills, etc), as he is only getting minimum SSP, and my JSA not paid yet...


BM

he's being nice because he wants your money - he is planning to live off it - hence the not going back to work and getting SSP

walk sweetheart.
out of the door

I wish you well x

bye Valli

RacyRed

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Redundancy in my savers account (my name only), despite OH saying not to, & left some to cover over draft in joint account (bills, etc), as he is only getting minimum SSP, and my JSA not paid yet...

Relief. OH being v nice, cooking, making tea, etc. and I am still turning over what he said. That I shut him out during all these things happening. So, it's like it's my fault for being upset, withdrawing, and he excuses his unpleasant behaviour due to that. Yet I feel I withdrew to protect myself from the added pressures he was giving me...

Questioning my own feelings about everything now, and it's some how my fault... ?

Doglet is home, and he is being v. good to her, like a totally different person with her.... Confused.

I am living in the triumph of hope over experience....

BM

You know he is going to kick off about the money not being in your joint account and you have chosen to bring your dog home now?

No BM, you are not living in the triumph of hope over experience. You have set yourself on the path of more pain and more loss and handed your OH the tool he needs to inflict it.

Choosing to accept the turmoil and pain your OH subjects you to is one thing, but I am beginning to think there is more than that going on here. There is a sense of satisfaction, even a sort of pleasure in your descriptions of your sufferings. Sweetheart, I think you have a type of addiction. And this thread is feeding it.

I wish you well.

Gigervamp

Every single abuser blames what they do on the person they are abusing. It keeps the abused cowed. "It's my fault, I didn't do <insert whatever>, so I deserve it."

Sagaris

He's being 'nice' to you, 'nice' to your dog - until he realises he can't get your money.

Please, PLEASE get out of there now - he will turn on either or both of you, my (carbon copy and now ex BIL) turned on my sister's dog and beat it in front of all the neighbours - not the first time he had done this. Unfortunately the dog had had enough and turned on him (dog was a huge German Shepherd) and all but killed the idiot - ripped his arms to shreds and he nearly bled to death (shame the ambulance crew got there so quickly but hey). The dog also turned on the woman he's now shacked up with, she's still in a wheelchair 3 months later.

Of course the dog paid the price and was PTS a few days later - but this was after years of beatings at his hands, he did this to get back at my sister - it hurt her more than actually walloping her, although he did that too.

Do you want that to happen to your lovely little dog BM? My sister died 6 months ago, she had severe long term health problems which many people live with quite well, and into old age, but he was so controlling and bullying she was always forced to discharge herself from hospital, however ill she was - she even had to have home kidney dialysis as he wouldn't permit her to go to hospital - on the occasions she had to have it in hospital there was Hell to pay when she got back home. That worm was unable to live on his own, she had to go home to 'look after' him - even a day after giving birth to a full term stillborn baby, after which HE took an overdose because HE couldn't cope - he was in the betting shop when the baby was born, I had to sit with her while she gave birth. He always took overdoses when he didn't get his own way, to bring her into line - total scumbag.

Do you get the picture? It happens all the time, abusers do not change - they get more crafty and controlling as time gets on. PLEASE don't be a victim like my sister - we were not allowed as a family to have contact with her in the last years of her life, I visited her 2 days before she died in ITU and she still wouldn't see me - because HE had said so. The regret that I didn't do more will never leave me - I can only console myself that she has no more pain, beatings or humiliation from him.

Do something while you still can - and don't think it can't happen to you, you would never have thought my sister would ever be a victim of a scrote like that - she used to have her own house, a well paid responsible job, a wide circle of friends and a loving family, and he systematically, craftily stripped her of all of that over the years.

I'm almost in tears typing this - the thought you are going through what she did is horrible. Please, do something while you still can - he is NOT being nice to you, he is appeasing you while he thinks of his next move.

Gigervamp

Sagaris, I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

RacyRed

Sagaris, I'm so very sorry you lost your sister in such awful circumstances. (((hugs)))

Thank you for your courage in posting.

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Redundancy in my savers account (my name only), despite OH saying not to, & left some to cover over draft in joint account (bills, etc), as he is only getting minimum SSP, and my JSA not paid yet...

Relief. OH being v nice, cooking, making tea, etc. and I am still turning over what he said. That I shut him out during all these things happening. So, it's like it's my fault for being upset, withdrawing, and he excuses his unpleasant behaviour due to that. Yet I feel I withdrew to protect myself from the added pressures he was giving me...

Questioning my own feelings about everything now, and it's some how my fault... ?

Doglet is home, and he is being v. good to her, like a totally different person with her.... Confused.

I am living in the triumph of hope over experience....

BM

I confess I find this post confusing.
On the one hand you have protected nearly all your money and that suggests you accept all is not well in your world.

Then a litany of how nice your H is being, dog is home, you feeling relief albeit now questioning (again) if it's all your fault.

It boils down to this. Either you are prepared to be the following:

1. Your H's emotional punch bag, you wont have any prior warning or choice as to when this occurs but you'll get it anyway
2. His personal slave whereby all bar the highly physical jobs are on your shoulders to deal wit
3. The one who is at fault over everything. Doesn't matter if that's true or not but that's the way it's going to be.

Or are you prepared to accept some painful memories and stop pretending they don't have any bearing on your relationship

1. He physcially abuses your dog
2. He refuses to lift an finger and possibly contributes to the loss of a baby through his sheer selfishness and control
3. He lies through his teeth about having cancer and deliberately picks the day when you're experiencing terrible grief

I suspect there are loads more but do you accept that the latter is not what normal, loving couple do to one another?

If you're prepared to stick with the first list them fill your boots, stop posting and get on with lying in that bed you've made.
If however you're not then pack a bag, get your dog and walk right on out the door.



Please answer me this.
You left him once. Why? What happened that made you walk out of that door and why can you not do it again?

dancingfairy

The thing that struck me was there are 2 possibilities here:
1) He is abusive and you need to get out of there and look after yourself (which I personally believe) or
2) He is mentally unwell and needs help and support which he won't get whilst you are there.

Either way you need to be strong and look after yourself (and get the support you need) and get some space.
Best of Luck
df

Lexxi

It's taken me ages to read through all the posts and I really feel for you BM, I'd love to give you some advice but I've moved out and can look at how my relationship has been and still I'm trying to justify things and offer excuses still hoping that the man I fell in love with is there, somewhere and everything will go back to how it was where I felt, loved and safe and like I didn't have to try and think up lists of things I could try doing to make him love me again.