Is this abuse?

thehappybutterfly

sassyblue wrote: »

Erm... Why are you planning to talk with him once you've left?

Write him a letter and walk out, leave your mobile on the letter
Don't tell him where you are
Get a new phone so he can't contact you

Simple.

If you Half heatedly leave him he'll know he can talk you round. If you leave him astonished when you go and are DETERMINED not to talk to him he won't play you up because he'll know he's lost.

It really is as easy as YOU make it.

^^^^ This.

Just think how good it would feel to just get up and go. Leave everything behind. Just totally disappear and refuse any contact with him. Except through solicitors. Try and imagine him sat at home wondering where you are and panicking when the penny drops (panicking because where's his next emotional punchbag going to come from?).

Get yourself away to another town/city - another part of the country. Come up to Scotland - it's lovely here! :j Get yourself settled and then go and fetch the pup, go home and shut the door behind you. Your door. Your house. Your rules. Yours to do with whatever you want. To hell with all your possessions - they're just things. Your health and state of mind are way more important. So what if you've paid for half? all? of the stuff - let him have it. Just don't let him have any more of YOU.

Mrs.W_2

BM, I realise you've many years and a great deal of emotion invested in your relationship with that man. That's hard to leave behind.

Hard to end when looking into an uncertain future, especially when your job has just ended and you are looking for another post.
Hard. Even though he's never going to offer you a true relationship?

Given his immaturity and insecurities, he'll never see your emotional needs, never think of you as an equal in your relationship. He'll always be envious of anything you have or do because those things distract your focus. And he'll always demand your focus. On him. His needs. His frailties. His being a poor excuse for a man.

Come that thing, realisation, or act that gives you all you need to leave, he will go into all the nasty threats he made before in a desperate attempt to emotionally blackmail you back to his side. Why not? It worked once.

But as others have said, it's easy to change your mobile number, not tell him or his family your new address (and instruct your family not to tell!) and only deal with him through a solicitor.

Among the many things you'll gain will be peace of mind.

Maybe he'll gain a little of that too. Without a host, the parasite might learn to survive by himself. But that's his business. You are the one we're thinking of here!

HeatherintheHills

BM, it is the end of May, your redundancy payment is due into your account.

YOUR redundancy money, that you could use to start a new life or you can let him use it to live a life of leisure while he makes yours a misery.

How long do you think he will stay nice for once he has your money?

dancingfairy

Of course it's serious.
He's contributed/caused you to loose a baby.
He's stolen/sold/hidden some jewellery
He's wanted to attack your dog.
He controls almost your every move.
He wants to spend your redundancy money.
He's controlled your electric/heat access.
You've resorted to locking yourself in the bathroom and putting things around the bedroom door.
He sleep depriving you.
and now he's killing you with kindness and working you into the ground.

How much more serious do you want it to be? Are you waiting until he finally flips and hits you or attempts to kill you?
He's being nice because it suits him to have you working yourself into the ground - he's got you right where he wants you and at some point he will go back to being nasty again when he truly destroyed all your strength. Everytime you believe that he is nice and not just acting nice you are sapping your strength.
Sure it may be hard for you to leave but it has to be easier than enduring what you're enduring now.
Seriously you need to dig deep and find that inner strength.
Why have womens aid not called you? Who knows but perhaps they feel you will be in more danger if they tried to call you. For heavens sake get out of the house and call them and go, just go.
df

Tamsin_Temrin

That's the thing when its 'just' the verbals. And the seriously disturbed behaviour re lights - did I mention Stephen King?

When he is being 'nice' or, as reality would say, 'less nasty' you can convince yourself it is not that bad and its not really worth leaving. When he is eg helping you towards a miscarriage then you are too ground down and upset to leave.

How did it feel to be away from him? How did you do it last time? How can you stop being sucked in again? You did it once, and he thinks because you came back he can get away with it - because you came back. Its not going to improve. He has no incentive to change.

You need to find your incentive for change. Can you write a list of all the stuff he has done, before and after the last time you left, that has upset you? Down to leaving the loo seat up.

Froom2

BM, I hope you are doing alright, and I hope that you are beginning to fins some strength in yourself. You are worth so much more than this guy, and you really need to realise and believe that! If you are feeling like you've spent too much, that it's easier to stay, then just remember how much life you still have. You have endless opportunities and it would be such a shame if you feel so obliged to please someone that doesn't even like you that you can't go out and do the things that you want, that you dream.

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

You need to find your incentive for change. Can you write a list of all the stuff he has done, before and after the last time you left, that has upset you? Down to leaving the loo seat up.

Do this It's a really good idea, help yourself see things in perspective and objectively, then you might believe truly that you are worth more, that you are NOT over reacting, and that the situation you are in is not normal or good in any way whatsoever.

Like others have said, we are concerned for you, we'll continue to encourage you and try to help you see things as they are, but you alone have the strength to change your life for the better! And I hope that you know you're capable of it, because you've started already just keep going and work towards getting out of there.

~Froom~

Tamsin_Temrin

Worried

Wonder if PC has found a 'virus' and is out of bounds.

Sending good vibes BM

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you again for your support/advice.

Doing better, put foot down as next on the list was slabbing! Can't physically do that....

Had more rest, as nothing else OH can think of... But went for long walk today, altho criticised for my choice of venue....

OH laying off more, but, has said that I have shut him out whilst depressed. Isn't acknowledging/admitting that his behaviour pushed me over the edge.

Described it to counsellor as feeling I was hanging on by fingertips over a cliff, and instead of pulling me out he was adding rocks to my back pack...

Also talked about grief of miscarriages, losing e4 people last year, brother's heart attack, and the fact that now I've lost my job & OH has had all medical treatment, I finally have chance to grieve...

OH is being nicer, made tea, helped a bit with dusting, after I'd hoovered, tidied, put out recycling & washed up. Is now saying he needs more time on sick (big shock).

Not so tired

BM

P.S. Redundancy due this week, will save it!

neneromanova

If you know exactly what day the money is going into your bank account, get online at midnight and transfer it into your own account so he has no chance of doing it like that

Newly_retired

Haven't you got your own bank account for it to go into?
I am sure he is just waiting for that money to come through then your whole world will change . Either he gets his hands on it and has no further use for you, or you put it out of his reach and he becomes ....violent? even more controlling?

Please be ready to go.