Is this abuse?

green1970

From what you are saying, BM, things are a little more tolerable for you. Tolerable is no way to live still though. Do you look at this man and think, God, I love everything about you, do you feel passionate towards him, does he still give you that warm feeling inside or is there just contempt and loss there. Get your redundancy money somewhere safe and far far away from him this week and keep making your plans to go and create a life that's worth living and loving, you can do it, you deserve it!

thehappybutterfly

I'm really worried about the redundancy money.

BM - I know you've said that you're going to "save it" and not let him gets his hands on it but will you please come on here and give us your PROMISE that you've taken the necessary steps to make sure he can't get his hands on it? Please?

Honestly, anything less than a direct payment into an account he knows nothing about will guarantee you get it to yourself. If you've arranged for the payment to go into your existing account (is it joint? God I hope not), the payment will go in the bank at midnight on the day it's due (that's my understanding anyway) - can you guarantee that he won't / can't sneak onto the laptop and shift the payment? After he's exhausted you with housework so you sleep like the dead of course.

I won't stop worrying about this until I know it's stashed away, nice and safe.

Hiddenidenity

I cant really add to what previous posters have said, but please take there advice on board and get out.

I met the now ex at 14 he slowly moved me away from friends, family any contact with anyone in the end. He used me to do everything he wanted and felt he needed. He then got me pregnant, then decided to "kick it out of me" one night in a rage those where his words that will stay with me forever. Not only did he do it once but twice. We went on to have 2 children, who he then decided wasnt even a good enough reason to stop what he was doing. In the end I wasnt brave enough to leave and he was removed by the police and jailed for putting me in hospital.

It is hard but please get out before anything more happens to you. Use your money and breakfree.

QuackQuackOops

First of all the counsellor in question is out of order and has no business expressing his opinion of your husband or anyone else for that matter. As far as he is concerned, it is hearsay, so I do find it a little strange as most counsellors are aware of hearsay situations.

Secondly, not one person on this forum can possible comment on whether or not you are suffering any abuse and its wrong of anyone to suggest you are doing without first hearing the other side of it from your husband.

Depression can make you feel negative and sensitive even if someone is being nice as pie, so who knows.

What I do know is you need a change of councellor. You need to get out of the house. You need to concentrate on your own happiness.

Aesop

Interesting opinion quackquackoops. I agree counsellors shouldn't give their personal opinions as they are there to counsel not judge or opiniate. However, how many abusive relationships do you know where you have been able to ask the husband or wife, their side of the story to say.... Yes you are right, I have been abusing my husband or wife and I am sorry, I need help.

What makes you think people on here who have bern in abusive relationships do not recognise the signs? And what is her husband going to say? It is all in her mind? She is attention seeking on a virtual platform as I do not pay her enough attention?

Gigervamp

So, pulling the dog off the bed by its legs and saying that you need to break its spirit is not abusive?

Turning off the lights and the heating at the circuits is not abusive?

Making BM do the shopping when she's at danger of losing the child she's carrying (and subsequently did lose it) is not abusive?

These are just some of the things BM's husband has done. What do you think his side of the story would sound like?

Butterflymind

Dear all

I can't thank you all enough for your support/advice and urging about leaving.

QQO: I have questioned myself and doubted myself and blamed myself... I don't want to think it's abuse, OH has had counselling about his destructive jealousy in past, but I am beginning to believe how he treats me isn't right. Being cruel to dog, cruel to me when I was grief stricken after my aunt died (after 3 other bereavements & risk of losing DB from heart attack, and knowing at risk of redundancy, becoming stressed/depressed); instead of holding out emotional support he told me the day she died he had lumps in groin, whilst he was being investigated for poss prostate cancer (awaiting results). This wass the final straw and I was so close to O/d it scared me into seeking professional help...

I know depression can mean paranoia, but, even a sane person would struggle with that....At best its selfish and insensitive. Found out recently he already knew about his lumps, but, waited till she died to tell me... What kind of behaviour would you call this? Caring, considerate?

Like I said before, all this loss had me clinging to a cliff edge, he added more weight and I so very nearly let go....

Redundancy money is through today. Am putting it in account in my name today, no matter what OH says, getting ready to go out now....

As to the poster who mentioned how I feel about OH. Don't feel much of anything anymore about him. Going through motions, trying to get myself well, and get my head clear, get a job, independence...

Still hanging on

BM

Melonade

Butterflymind wrote: »

As to the poster who mentioned how I feel about OH. Don't feel much of anything anymore about him. Going through motions, trying to get myself well, and get my head clear, get a job, independence...

Still hanging on

BM

Unless you leave you will NEVER EVER have independence. Getting a job won't fix it... you have to go home at the end of the working day. All you will have is some time away while your at work.

Have you given your dog up now then?

Frogletina

Some of the posts mentioned here remind me on my stepfather who I only lived with a couple of months before I got married.

However, I went back with my baby to live with them for a short time and saw behaviour which really shocked me.

It was the time of the powercuts in the 70's and the electricity was going on and off. One day my mother and I were doing the washing when the electric cut off and we thought nothing of it. But something made me check the meter and it was off so I put it back on. Stepfather came out in a rage as his radio came back on. He said the radio had said we all needed to conserve the electricity and he was doing his bit and he switched it off again.

One evening my mother said she would babysit. I got back about 10 and he'd switched the electric off as soon as I'd gone out leaving my mother unable to make a bottle of milk for my baby or a piece of toast for herself. He'd just allowed it back on again, and they'd been in the dark all evening.

He went around telling all of my mother's friends that she was going throught the menopause and it had caused her to be irrational and say strange things. Now she hadn't even got to the menopause by then, but some of her friends believed him, she wondered why some of the conversations she had with them were a bit odd. Fortunately other friends didn't believe him which is how she found out the lies he had been spreading about her

Then on the day I left I saw him push her over in the garden and I remonstrated with him but he denied it, saying she tripped - but I know what I saw.

I only once stayed there again for an overnight stay when I had to leave my own home (another story for another time) but when he found out he threw my suitcase down the stairs and said I had better be gone by the time he returned from work.

My mother was a young widow when she met him, she'd been a strong woman who'd brought up two young children for the previous 8 years on her own and had started her own business from home.

Once she married this man he forbade her to carry on with her business and kept her short of money. He said she spent too much on food each week and proved this by giving her no money one week but ate all the stock of food in the house!

One day she just packed a suitcase and left.

She found work, rented a flat, regained her former strength and found happiness again

Butterflymind

Dear all

Redundancy in my savers account (my name only), despite OH saying not to, & left some to cover over draft in joint account (bills, etc), as he is only getting minimum SSP, and my JSA not paid yet...

Relief. OH being v nice, cooking, making tea, etc. and I am still turning over what he said. That I shut him out during all these things happening. So, it's like it's my fault for being upset, withdrawing, and he excuses his unpleasant behaviour due to that. Yet I feel I withdrew to protect myself from the added pressures he was giving me...

Questioning my own feelings about everything now, and it's some how my fault... ?

Doglet is home, and he is being v. good to her, like a totally different person with her.... Confused.

I am living in the triumph of hope over experience....

BM