Is this abuse?

Mrs_Arcanum

Of course he is being nice, he is getting his own way at the moment. He basically wants you as his 100% full time slave/carer. Can you imagine years and years and years more of this?

You desperately need your little doggies unconditional love, not this selfish drain on your fragile emotions.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you - I know this deep down, that I am too soft. He says I am selfish if I am not focusing my attention on his aches and pains, or that I don't care... Said yesterday that he didn't care about anyone or anything.

Made me think he meant me too. OH planting seeds and what things to do in garden next, feel really really bad/guilty for complaining... Am just a complete screw up, and can't even get a p.c running properly to get a job....

Tired BM

Tamsin_Temrin

Ive worked in offices for years, and usually can make windows sit up and beg.

I couldnt do jack if I was under the pressure you were.

you should practice not caring about him - how much of the aches and pains are real? How much is attention seeking? How much does he do for you when you are in pain or sick? You know, like when you were in danger of miscarriage if you started carrying heavy shopping?

Go to the library and look helpless, be polite, take loads of notes, and - really important bit - get enough rest before hand so that you can process information.

btw you come across in your posts as tired etc but also articulate and intelligent. Dont let him sell you short.

btw - re pc - dont rule out sabotage. Seriously. May be over-reacting, but just sayin, he has a lot to lose if you get support from the internet/decent and fulfilling jobs from internet/a different set of horizons n pov. try booking a holiday online. National Express do some coach holidays, cheap, just for a few days at a time.

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you - I know this deep down, that I am too soft. He says I am selfish if I am not focusing my attention on his aches and pains, or that I don't care... Said yesterday that he didn't care about anyone or anything.

Made me think he meant me too. OH planting seeds and what things to do in garden next, feel really really bad/guilty for complaining... Am just a complete screw up, and can't even get a p.c running properly to get a job....

Tired BM

Sorry but your H is a t w u n t. Actually i take back the apology part.
You're not focusing your attention of his aches and pains? Is he a five year old? Or just trying emotional blackmail whilst using you as a personal slave?

You said it yourself you're not sleeping well, you're busting a gut in the garden in this heat :eek: but hey as along as he's not being verbally abusive is all OK. Not all abusive behaviour is obvious name calling, some of it is incredibly subtle and your H sounds the master of it. think back to all the vile things he's done to you, losing your baby because he wouldn't help you/allow help for you.....and you still want to be with this man? Just what exactly IS a deal breaker for you? How many awful things goes he have to do before you wake up and smell the coffee.

Ask yourself this.....why did you leave him the first time round? Are things REALLY that different?

green1970

It breaks my heart to think of you in this miserable existence, BM, tell him to just !!!! orf and that you need a few days away to get yourself well and rested. If he don't like it, that's just tough. Please get out of there, you're going down and down and down - can't you see it? You are a human being and you have needs too - why are his needs being met and none of yours are. You have to put yourself first for now, it's not selfish, it's self preservation.

I don't know whether you're in the right place at the moment for this counselling as it's opening wounds that you may not be equipped and strong enough to deal with yet. These feelings do need exploring but perhaps not while you're being abused and are exhausted, it might be too much.

Would you please call WA again - it sounds like they'll be expecting you to call back as I would imagine it's their normal policy not to call you back in case you are with your abuser at the time and it puts you at risk. Take yourself off tomorrow and give them a call to make an appointment as soon as possible. Let someone look after you and take you away from this dreadful life. It is dreadful, it really is, BM. I know you say 'don't worry about me, I'm okay' but you're not hun, he's got you in a bad place and you need to escape it now.

System

It saddens me that he is still controlling you hun You deserve so much better than this. I know he's acting "nice" but its all part of the abusive pattern, how long before he turns nasty again? Please please take some time to yourself and get away from him, and if you can give WA another ring.

Thinking of you

claire16c

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you for posting/not giving up on me. I am still convinced he won't physically hurt me. He told me once that this was something he'd never do, after discovering his younger brother beat his ex-wife. He has 'standards'.

wow what a catch...

BM apart from ringing WA nothing has really changed since you first posted on here. Nothing is ever going to change - if it was, then ask yourself why hasnt it already??

Unless YOU do something about this, this way of life will carry on forever.

You need to decide if you can live with that or do something about it.

Its clear that something has gone wrong in the chain of communication with WA. Give them another call and walk out tomorrow.

You are in a bad position now because you are waiting for 2 thigns to happen:

either A- waiting for something even worse to happen - i.e him beating/killing you, or the psychological abuse to get worse which could happen in any number of ways in which it hasnt already- in order to give you a proper 'shock' in which case you will finally leave- or worse. You could potentially wait a long time for this to happen and waste even more of your life being with this man.

or B - waiting for him to change - which is never going to happen.

So it can really only go one way. UNLESS you leave now and stop that from happening.

Aesop

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Please don't worry.

oh is being v.pleasant - after I did more gardening, fixed hole in fence, sprayed weed killer on front, stripped both beds, made lunch and washing quilt covers too, & rest of laundry. Tired, not sleeping well again. But he is behaving like ahuman being...

oh is being pleasant after I did all the hard work.........

just wish you could see what we can see.

I have a friend, we worked together, haven't seen her for a while. Whenever we do chance to bump into each other she always looks so sad..... she came round to see me finally. She told me the truth, all the time I was working with her, her husband was beating her, wrestling her, but not fun wrestling... no! :eek: he was picking her up and slamming her down so she hurt! :eek::eek:

she tried to kill herself. he threw her out of the house recently with her 2 kids. luckily she had family nearby. she left but felt guilty because her daughter wrote in her notebook, I miss Daddy.

her mother in law came to fetch her back home....not him. She told him if he ever laid a hand on her again, she would walk permanently. Her brother has threatened to kill him.

Me.... get out now! NOW while you can! While you are still alive!

so she has got some part time work through me, she is contacting the council about getting on the list for council accommodation... she is slowly, slowly leaving.... I will support her all the way out of the house!

HeatherintheHills

BM, what do you hope your future holds?

It would help to hear it in your own words.

Tamsin_Temrin

Still worried