Is this abuse?

Mad-Frog

Butterflymind

Like others have said you are clinging on to the 'nice' husband and blocking out the nasty one.
He will not change, if you have split once and nothing changed then it never ever will. I split with my OH years ago because frankly he was being an ar*e we got back together and he was under no illusion if he didn't change his ways he would lose me, and guess what he did he changed a massive amount as in his words he knew he would lose me if he didn't, we are very happy now but this will not apply to you as only one chance to change right??

Your parents hate your husband, your friends were not surprised he was abusing you when you told them, yet still you are convinced that when he is being nice things will get better

Others on here have already told you this is not so, it is classic abuser material

You are tired because he is controlling you and making demands on you, you have depression I don't know but I can take an educated guess because of your husband, your own GP has told you to get away even for a few days

Tell us where you can go, mum and dad, friends? It will take courage but you know in your heart it would be the right thing to do

You DO deserve better, there is only one person in control of your happiness and that is you, that is what people are trying to tell you and why some have said they will stop posting.

Continue to post and let us know how you are getting on, honestly you will come to the right decision soon, is your Mum and friends still trying to support you?

Steel_2

We're not giving up on you. We know it takes a long time.

Sometimes it just takes one small thing and the scales fall from your eyes. Once they have, once you realise this is it, there's no turning back.

You just haven't got there quite yet, but you will.

One day he'll say or do something and a coolness will harden your heart and the emotion you feel when you think about leaving will be gone. It's like the last piece of the jigsaw falling into place.

You will *know* that the time has come.

We can say whatever we want on here, but ultimately you are the one with all the power over there. You hold the power to stop it and you will one day when you're ready.

Believe me when I say you are far more powerful than you think you are...and your OH knows it. There's a part of you that's going to let rip soon...it won't be held back...and all that power will come flooding out and you'll be strong.

Your OH won't know his !!!! from his elbow then my dear!

And I'm really looking forward to getting to know the post-OH BM! With her own place and her little dog, back out with her friends and going about her business as she pleases with no-one to hold her back anymore or stop her being everything she is capable of being.

xSteelx

Mayflower10cat

Butterflymind - having read this whole thread today, I'm right there batting for you. (My love for animals alone would make me harden my heart toward anyone who could treat my beloved canine or feline friend so badly.) To step away from the thread somewhat, apologies, a dear friend of mine died way too young of cancer only two months ago. In her last six months she became a champion of a womens refuge only a few miles away. She collected nappies/baby food/clothes/toiletries on behalf of the refuge. She told me about how hard it had been to hear from the co-ordinator how desperately they need these basic items, as often women arrive with babies and toddlers late at night, with nothing other than the clothes they are wearing...... My friend explained to her puzzled 9 yr old grandson why there were bulk packs of nappies in her hallway and that they were for the refuge. When he heard about the refuge and why the women turn up desperate with nothing at all, this little lad burst into tears, saying 'but not round here, Granny, not here!' Oh yes, she bravely explained, even 'round here' in a cosy rural area with apparently plenty of money and 'up front' for the neighbours, all is well......

Just to say to you, please know there is support, love and kind people out there who devote their time to helping women who really, really need help. Take back your power, you can do this and live a happier, quieter, peaceful life turning your positive energy outward (perhaps towards helping others) as my friend did. A life changing suggestion for you for a new career - round here, dog walking whilst owners are at work or away is HUGE! Truly, I know of two women who do this locally and they are heavily booked and turning new business away.

I wish you the very best outcome, I truly do.

HeatherintheHills

Butterflymind wrote: »

EG. when pregnant 3rd time, he lay on his back saying he couldn't help me shop. He'd already impressed on me 'we' didnt' need anyone's help. So I did as told, and lost 3rd baby....

That was first time I wanted to die, just to stop the horrific emotional pain/loss...wanted to drive itno brick wall....

BM

How do you excuse him for that BM? Do you tell yourself he didn't realise how much damage that could do? Why did he tell you to shop (you used the words "did as told")? What possible excuse could he have had for not looking after you and your (both your) unborn child? But he did know didn't he BM, he did it on purpose and deep down you know that. Was he jealous of his unborn child?

He wouldn't let your Mum be with you after you lost that baby. Why was that? Was he worried she would find out what he had done and reveal him for the twisted monster he must be to have done that to his own child?

And you think YOU are the one in the wrong? No BM. You have gotten that completely wrong.

As Tamsin said above, he stole your child, your sponsored child, your dog. He has also stolen your mental health and soon it will be your money and your physical health.

I don't mean he will hit you, oh no bruises heal, he will do much worse than that. You said earlier that some days you are so down you don't want to get up and dressed, don't want to do anything. How is this affecting you BM? Are you putting on weight? Risking diabetes? That was how I became diabetic, because I stayed in an abusive relationship that destroyed my health for the rest of my life, which is now going to be shorter than it could have been.

My partner loved me deeply and most of the time was lovely, but it didn't stop him destroying me. He saw what was happening but he just couldn't help himself, I had to stop him by leaving him. It was my final act of love for him.

Save yourself BM and you may save your husband in the process.

HeatherintheHills

BM, I forgot to say, I did turn things around. Once I started to make my own decisions I have built the life I want. I live in the country, I have many pets, grow things, am part of a nice community.

Basically, I've made for myself the sort of life I always dreamt about. I am content and happy now.

You can be too.

beautiful_ravens

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

BM, I forgot to say, I did turn things around. Once I started to make my own decisions I have built the life I want. I live in the country, I have many pets, grow things, am part of a nice community.

Basically, I've made for myself the sort of life I always dreamt about. I am content and happy now.

You can be too.

^Me too

Butterflymind - I really really know why you keep putting it off. That odd mixture of fear, fatigue and resignation, and then when youre on your own, sadness betrayal, maybe anger. Then the moment hes 'nice' its a relief, and you throw away the other feelings based on that one moment. You need to become cold, thats the only way I can describe it. Shut off your desperate, nice side, just for a while. Be someone else, walk out like in a film or a book, but whatever you have to do in your mind, you must physically do it in reality too.
Pack a bag, grab your documents, go. Go to another person who can support you, who you can lean on, an advocate for you. Not someone who will just pat you on the head and go there there, but someone proactive, even if that is a stranger at womens aid.

Tamsin_Temrin

Still worried

StuckandScared

ButteflyMind, I have just read your thread and see so many similarities to my own situation although yours is much more serious abuse. I hope you are ok today, it would be nice to see an update.

thehappybutterfly

StuckandScared wrote: »

ButteflyMind, I have just read your thread and see so many similarities to my own situation although yours is much more serious abuse. I hope you are ok today, it would be nice to see an update.

You know what StuckandScared? When i read your own thread I immediately thought of Butterflymind. When you read her story, what do you think? What advice would you give her? Because you're right - it's very similar to yours. And BM, have a look at SaS's thread - what advice would you give her?

Butterflymind

Hello all

Thank you for understanding...

SAS - had a look at your thread too.... We are similar in age and situation, except I did have a job, and do have parents. Your name expresses how I feel.

OH is being so nice, it's hard not to be sucked in, yet he also is claiming a piece of jewellery has been lost/stoplen/misplaced and was not happy that I was not upset. I said that I don't get upset over things, they can be replaced (on insurance!). The only important things are other people who can't be. Its like he wants to create drama/crisis and stress me out. He's tried various things, but, it hasn't worked...

Just being calm and replying calmly - helped I got some sleep last night.

Is puzzling him that I am not all over him because he's niceish. Still haven't organised a break. Need to go JSA place again, and sign on officially.

Still plodding

BM