Is this abuse?

Tamsin_Temrin

Put it this way - when you post I think, 'thank heaven she is still in one piece'.

Try thinking of it this way - you have a finite amount of energy. That is nibbled away by lack of sleep. Then it is nibbled away at any dramas he can create. And every time he and his behaviour crosses your mind and you tense up - he nibbles away at even more energy. So, if all goes to his plan, no energy left to think about escape. The less you think of him, the less energy he takes from you. So find something else to think about, like a plot of a favourite book or film. It doesnt help thinking about what he may or may not do. He may paint himself blue and call himself papa smurf. He does not deserve head space. Your doggie does, but you are with him and not your doggie.

Are you taking vitamins? Healthy eating? Make a big deal of taking some vitamins in front of him and see how he reacts. (and keep a spare supply hidden). Take any exercise you can manage (and I do know that it is tough!) What can you do to preserve you (apart from change counsellor).

It will be more helpful to go away before registering for JSA, as you are supposed to be instantly available for work and not in a tasteful b&b in Torquay. Another thing - sooner you go, the cheaper it will be, it is getting on to summer prices. Just sayin.

Please keep posting.

I_wanna_live_for_free

Butterflymind I've been reading this thread for a while and I'm worried for you. I really wish you could summon the strength to grab your documents and anything you really must keep and go!

Thinking of you x

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for posting/not giving up on me. I am still convinced he won't physically hurt me. He told me once that this was something he'd never do, after discovering his younger brother beat his ex-wife. He has 'standards'.

Did a lot this weekend, even tho tired. I have been binge eating every time I'm upset. But do take my a/d's and supplements. OH still claiming he's not well, now adding back problems to his recovery from op. Seems the better that he gets, the less he does, is supposed to see his GP tomorrow, and he wants to stay off as long as possible, despite no money coming in from JSA yet, and he only receives bare minimum SSP from his job...

Feel really mean for saying this, I'm not bitter, much...I am walking, but, he's always there. Only time I feel I get a break is when lock myself in bathroom for a shower...

I just moan and moan on here, and do nothing, still waiting to hear from WA, but, worrying he will be there when they do. After being redundant from job, feel that one door has closed, don't feel quite as rejected and worthless about it now. Getting over so much loss is taking longer than I thought (4 funerals, lost job, illnesses in family), like a misery memoir and I don't want to feel like this...

SAS, hope you find courage to go, still searching for mine...

BM (still cant get thanks button to work) - thanks everyone for your support

Mojisola

When will he be going to the GPs? Have everything to hand and walk out as soon as he's out of sight.

Regarding his 'standards' of not hitting a women - physical abuse is nasty but most things will heal in a reasonable time frame. Psychological abuse is far harder to recover from - it might not affect your physical body but it damages your mind and spirit.

dancingfairy

It's worrying that you don't even get 2 seconds to yourself
Seriously having to lock yourself in the bathroom is not normal at all
When he goes to the doctor can you phone Womens Aid? You need to get away for a few days -to your parents, to your aunties (and to visit your lovely dog). You need a break.
When are you due to sign on? Perhaps you can go away for a few days then?
Take Care
df

daska

Mojisola is right you know BM. The psychological damage from long term abuse is usually far worse than the physical - not least because people can't 'see' what's happening so easily and are therefore less able to help you.

Your husband's standards are beneath contempt - at least his brother is 'honest' enough to use his fists.

Tamsin_Temrin

So there is a pattern of men abusing women in their family?

I think there is a good chance of him 'accidentally' knocking you over, pushing you, holding you, physically stopping you for leaving a room when you want to get away from him, perhaps grabbing you by the arm or hair until it hurts - not punches, because that would be violence. Just leaving you scared, upset and in pain wont count.

btw - I think a common pattern in all abusers male or female is that they tell you and themselves that it is not in their nature to hurt you, and they hate that they have (insert abuse here) but its not their fault, you drove them to it and if you had only done (insert random action) or not done (insert reasonable action) then they wouldnt have been forced to hurt you.

How did he justify hurting your dog?

You are coming round to the idea of leaving him being possible. I think for you leaving him may be literally saving your health and mind. How are you going to stay away this time? Because if you leave and then go back it will get worse.

betcha lack of money is now becoming your problem. And besides, you can live on a credit card until all your lovely redundancy money comes in, right?

Froom2

Butterflymind wrote: »

I just moan and moan on here, and do nothing, still waiting to hear from WA, but, worrying he will be there when they do. After being redundant from job, feel that one door has closed, don't feel quite as rejected and worthless about it now. Getting over so much loss is taking longer than I thought (4 funerals, lost job, illnesses in family), like a misery memoir and I don't want to feel like this...

Don't worry about 'moaning' on here, every post that people make here is in support, and at least I don't see it as moaning at all - it seems like this is an outlet for you at the moment, I think it's important that you don't stop posting here (even if just for all our sanity in knowing that you're still okay!)

When you do have your own time in the shower, do you take a few extra minutes to calm your mind a bit? Might sound weird, but I find just taking a couple extra moments thinking about the 'big picture' with the warm water trickling down is really relaxing and helps me prepare for the day. Maybe that can help you a bit?

Keep being strong *hug*

~Froom~

Tamsin_Temrin

Froom is making a good point - could you get out of the house for a yoga/meditation class? Even a prayer group? If you dont believe in God, you dont have to tell the prayer group.

Still worrying

Hovel_lady

Butterflymind - I was thinking about you and this popped into my head.
I will only add that it feels sooooooooo good to be walking down another street


Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~