Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear all

Know it's sensible advice, even a few days break. Will kick myself up the backside and do it...Doesn't seem as scary as leaving permenant

Gigervamp

BM, you haven't answered my question.

BM, are you going to do what your doctor ordered and get away for a few days?

You replied just as I was posting.

Make sure you do go away for a bit.

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Know it's sensible advice, even a few days break. Will kick myself up the backside and do it...Doesn't seem as scary as leaving permenant

Personally I think this is the crux of the matter. It's the same for my friend. The fear of life unknown, of what your H might do if you left, the emotional blackmail.....in your head youre weighing up the pros and cons; leaving is more painful than currently staying with him and so you chose the least painful option.
The question is what needs to happen in order to tip the balance for you to leave? Physical violence? Sexual assault? This is why we are urging you to leave now, before the balance tips the wrong way.

charlie3090

bm,i echo what everyone says but it has to be when you are ready,its so hard, it took me 10 years,but when i woke up every day wanting to be dead and driving to work planning how to drive into a lorry,something inside me woke up.
i went to womens aid,they saved my life ,no exaggeration.
it was scary,took me 6 months but i did it.
here i am ,6 years later wondering why i wasted 10 years of my life on a controlling bully.
you can get through this,
C x

Mrs_Arcanum

The reality is, YOU will manage far better without him as he is so weak he has to drain you in order to cope.

Keep reminding yourself of all the things he has done (or deliberately not done) to get you to where you are now. It is not your fault and YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE than scum like him.

Get that mini break organised ASAP.

MissKeith

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Can't answer you all, but, thank you for still posting.

Unfortunately, what I have posted has happened to me, but when I re-read it seems like a nightmare I am tryig to forget.

Clare16c, thank you, I looked at those web-sites, took test, scored 70, which is noted as high risk... A shock because thought it may be a lot less, because he does't hit me...

Can't post much as OH here 24/7 since his op. Kept logging on and off this morning, now got chance.

Is on about cancelling insurance again, already cancelled charity (sponsor child).

V tired, mostly sleeping badly, sometimes OH. sometimes me thinking and thinking, thoughts going round.

You are right, this thread is comfort/prop/outlet, but also helps me think straight. That Iam not completely crazy,paranoid, depressed, worthless, that others experience similar and got out, and had courage to do so. I feel weary,numb, tired, depressed, barely get up strenght to do things some days.

Sad that some of you have given up on me, close to giving up on myself, so cant blame you. I wish to god none of this was happening, and had a 'normal' relationship. Still feel guilty like it's me, done something wrong, and I can 'fix' it....

Still feel I am a bad person and don't deserve better....

BM

He has made you feel like this. This is not your fault. You don't deserve this.

Just because the abuse isn't physical, it doesn't make it any less real or frightening or hurtful.

It will take an awful lot of courage to leave but if I can do it, so can you. I have complete faith in that.

green1970

Can you get in touch with Women's Aid today and perhaps go to see them, BM. I think it would really help to have someone to lean on in real life to support you properly and help you to feel stronger.

neneromanova

I can't remember if you've posted this BM but how old are you?

Melonade

You have to understand (and I think you almost do) that swinging from nice to not nice isn't ever going to change. You said yourself that you've lived like this for a long time... surely it's long enough to see that this pattern is never ending, will never stop and is never going to get better unless YOU do something about it.

I also think until you actually get angry about the whole situation then you'll just stay as you are.

Wether you feel worthless, upset, used, confused etc you'll just carry on plodding along as you do now until you see sense or he physically hurts you. I actually think you may even put up with him physically hurting you and I do think you've seen sense already, just don't want to do anything about it!!

Maybe facing upto the FACT that this IS the rest of your life will be easier to do, then you can just carry on living as you are.

Tamsin_Temrin

Keep him focused on the insurance while you work out what you want. If he is giving you grief about this, he is not giving you grief about anything else and at least you can see what it is.

You have sustained prolonged psychological abuse. You came back last time which gave him permission to not only continue but to get worse - after all, you came back last time. It takes people with broken bones many attempts to get away, if you have never been there you do not know how hard it is. Butterfly, just because the damage he does to you isnt visible, doesn't mean it isnt real.

It is really hard to make the decision to get out. It is a lot harder to stay away. Once you have made that call, you can just walk out of there and be free and that bit is really, really easy. Be rested. Be healed. He is taking years off your life with the lack of sleep, and do not try and convince anyone that it isnt deliberate.

You can tell me anything you like, but are you going to cross your heart and tell me that living alone is going to be harder work? When you have a doggie that will love you unconditionally? When you have rest, peace and calm? When you have time and energy to meet people out of the house?

When he was laying there and you had to do the shopping - he stole that child from you. He stole the chance for you to sponsor a child. He stole from you the chance to have a doggie to love. If he loved you, he would have crawled over burning coals and broken glass to protect you and your child. I would get the shopping in for a pregnant neighbour, even if I barely knew them. That is normal human stuff. Not giving grief to a pregnant lady.

tl:dr - it is hard, he doesnt love you, get the f out even for a short time