Is this abuse?

thehappybutterfly

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you for caring, I wish I hadn't been so open, I don't like you all worrying...

TT- haven't done a thing about taking a break, even tho' GP told me to. Can't face the hassle I would get... Been to claim JSA today (rang details in Mon, appt today), as OH nagging but think it's positive for me. Told him need all docs again for another meeting (true); so all has to be kept together for a while. Really struggle to think I am worthy of anything, still some days I dont shower/wash change clothes, don't want to get up... Weary of it all.

B_R - thank you for sharing that, guess my OH is similar, and it's taken a break down, antidepressants, counselling and dog to realise it's not the way someone who supposedly loves you should behave.

RR -do need reminding. He's being nice again and worst thing is I want to forget all the horrible bits. Just to try and keep him 'nice' and pretend everything is ok. Realise at best he is miserable and drags me down with him, at worst, I do think he is abusive.

LL - I know what you are saying, I am not putting my explainations very clearly, the counsellor isn't stopping me leaving, or delaying me, she is more just listening to me, and trying to get me to see how OH behaves isn't right, and trying to find coping strategies. The bolt on the bedroom door, I don't think she was right on that and didn't do it. She is more for people with depression/bereavement issues, rather than abuse... Scares me that you could be right, but, he hasnt been physical in past, and I am hoping, I guess that he won't be now...

Everyone else, sorry can't reply to you all, but I appreciate your concerns. I still (stubbornly) think it will be ok, that I can work it out, with a/d's, GP, counselling and WA. That having to go will be the last resort, that OH will go to counselling and will be able to change... I know you all think it's wishfull thinking, and prbably hav emore experience. Guess I am too stubborn/daft, but do feel with every step, things are becoming clearer and clearer.

And yes, venting on here does help me cope, reading your experiences, whats happened to you, makes me feel less uncertain/unsure of what's going on.

Phew - managed long ramble today...

Stubborn old BM

Oh BM. Every time I come on here for an update, I just feel sick. I honestly fear for your safety. Can you just re-read the bit in bold for me? For God's sake - you need all this help just to stay in this relationship? Just for day to day living? That's the sort of help people get when they lose a child / are raped / physically assaulted etc etc. not to simply live their life. My heart is in my mouth thinking how warped your mind has become because of that person you're living with. He's killing you, bit by bit.

How did he come across your hidden documents? Did he just "come across" them or did he actually go looking for something and found them? For your sake, I hope he found them by accident. Because if he was raking for 'evidence' and has found it, you're in serious trouble. Trust me on this.

claire16c

If you seriously think that your husband will change then Im sorry but you are living on another planet. Im sorry to say it in such a serious situation but the thought of him seeing a counsellor is a joke. I mean are you saying youve asked him to see one and hes agreed and hes going soon? No, I didnt think so. And what kind of relationship needs all that to keep to together????

You should take a look on some of these websites that highlight the classic traits of an abusive relationship. You could easily cross a load off the list. Note that even if someone is not violent it is still abuse.

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/




Question relationships with partners who:

• Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
• Don’t work or go to school.
• Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
• Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
• Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
• Are always angry at someone or something.
• Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
• Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
• Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
• Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
• Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
• Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
• Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
• Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
• Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
• Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
• Blame all arguments and problems on you.
• Tell you how to dress or act.
• Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
• Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
• Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).
• Compare you to former partners.

Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:

• You feel afraid to break up with them.
• You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
• You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
• You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
• You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
• You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
• You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.

Know the Red Flags

http://www.newbeginningsnh.org/html/signs.html

Many women are confused by their abuser's sudden change in mood -- they will describe the abuser's behavior as "nice" one minute, but the next minute "explosive" or "crazy

In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the abuser may verbally degrade the woman by cursing her or diminishing her accomplishments. The abuser may tell her that she's stupid and unable to function on her own. This may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.


Are you dating a loser?

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/



You need to start asking yourself why are you wanting to stay with someone like this? Why are you so desperate to try to make it work when it clearly wont? Whats so great about him? Why do you want to spend so much time fighting a loosing battle? Think about it - it doesnt make sense.

beautiful_ravens

I would also like to add for anyone interested, that there is a big difference between 'nice' and 'kind'. Niceness can often be faked. Kindness is true and good.
I cant think of the amount of people, men or women, who have come across as 'nice' only to turn out to be backstabbing, manipulative or devious people. Then I think of the kind people I know, and they are often argumentative, odd or difficult, but never actually mean.

BM if your husband was 'kind', he would not have been mean to the dog. He was 'nice' to the dog sometimes. Big difference, and it applies to you aswell.

I hope this all works out the way it ideally should.

Mrs_Arcanum

When you first started this thread you were adding posts on a daily basis. Sometimes several a day.

Now we are all waiting anxiously to hear that you are OK as your posts are few and far between.

This is the biggest signal you should read to Get Out Now! If you are constantly watched on the internet you have no privacy & no life. 10 years on NOTHING has made him really change. The longer you stay Despite the "apparent good days. The HARDER it will become to leave. HE IS GRINDING YOU DOWN TO DUST.

thorsoak

OK. I'm going to get flamed for this - but I now doubt that Butterflymind is a genuine abuse-sufferer. Sadly, I'm beginning to think that this thread is the work of a troll, and that we are all feeding a troll. I'm backing out.

Butterflymind, if you ARE for real - then I apologise for this post - but if you are real - JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE - LIFE CAN ONLY GET WORSE IF YOU STAY!

Gigervamp

I don't think so Thorsoak, BM used to post on the self sufficiency thread started by CoolTrikerChic.

BM, I agree with Mrs Arcanum. When you started this thread, your posts were *normal* for want of a better word, but now they're disjointed and you sound confused, disoriented, dog tired.

You've gone downhill since your little doggie left.

Your husband won't change. Stop trying to cling onto the thought that he *might* change. He won't.

You need to leave now. I fear not only what he's doing to you, but also it sounds like you're heading for a breakdown.

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

Everyone else, sorry can't reply to you all, but I appreciate your concerns. I still (stubbornly) think it will be ok, that I can work it out, with a/d's, GP, counselling and WA. That having to go will be the last resort, that OH will go to counselling and will be able to change... I know you all think it's wishfull thinking, and prbably hav emore experience. Guess I am too stubborn/daft, but do feel with every step, things are becoming clearer and clearer.

Sorry BM but l'm going to have to leave your thread, l cannot see how you are going through all of what you have said you have but still not leave. Everytime we tell you your counsellor is rubbish you come back and say you haven't explained it right. Something's not right here.

MissKeith

Please, please listen to me. I don't usually post here and I haven't really spoken about what I went through in depth to anyone before but I'm going to put myself out there for you as much of what you say resonates with me deeply.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years and I was in denial. My ex partner started making comments about me, to me and in front of others. It started off as little bantering remarks, making fun of me with his friends, flirting with other women in front of me and then laughing at me if I got upset about it. It quickly escalated into isolating me from my family and friends, he would never allow me to spend time with anyone he didn't approve of (including my own family), becoming moody and verbally aggressive when I stood up for myself or wanted to do something he didn't want me to.
It got worse and worse over time. I know how you feel. He made me feel like I was nothing, no one special, that all the problems I had with him were all in my head, that I was oversensitive and crazy, that no one else would ever put up with me or want me. He frightened me and humiliated me and I was scared to leave him. I had no family or friends left and all I had was him. He would rocket between being nice and sweet to moody and manipulative. I couldn't think about leaving him, I had no job, no money (it all went on him and our home) and no support network in sight.

The abuse eventually turned sexual, he would never take no for an answer, rape me and then have the gall to complain that I didn't seem to enjoy it.

At the time I couldn't see how bad it was, I felt I deserves it and that I wasn't trying hard enough and looking back I wonder why I put up with it. But the truth is, leaving an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship is so, so hard. You feel like you're not worthy of love and you're that brow beaten and tired you just put up with it because this is the best you deserve.

I was wrong. So, so wrong. I began an affair with a work colleague. He was so gentle and kind and loving that I began to realize just how little self esteem I had left. Months later I worked up the courage to leave my ex. It was frightening and I was alone but I was free. It was the most liberating moment of my life. I just packed my bags and did a midnight flit and begged forgiveness from my parents.

Me and the work colleague are still together. I got myself a great job, joined a theatre group where I made some amazing friends and I'm now newly pregnant with my first child. I am in a committed, loving, secure and genuine relationship.

Things can and do get better, I promise you, you deserve so much more than this man is giving you. He won't change, trust me on this one. Please PM me, if you need a chat or friend who knows what you're going through just contact me. I won't judge you, I know how you these types of relationships make you feel and how scary they are to leave. You're not alone.

Wellyboots6

My last point BM before I duck out too, as like others I feel we may be helping to keep you stuck in this situation...

I have a bit of homework for you!

Go through this whole thread and write down three lists.

List A being all the things you have listed on this thread that YOU have done or tried to do to make this relationship work and to get him to change. Things that you have taken it upon yourself to do.

List B being all the things HE has done to make this relationship work and to change his own behaviour. And I ban you from adding 'being nice' to that list!

List C is all the things he has done to try and change or control you, the things he has forced upon you or you feel you cannot speak out against.

Compare the lengths of these three lists, and then decide what common sense tells you to do. How long does each list need to get before you decide to change something?

Good Luck BM and make sure you post us a nice photo of your dog sitting on YOUR sofa in YOUR flat when you finally decide to get out

HeatherintheHills

Thorsoak, the same thought crossed my mind but I honestly think this is real. I'd love it not to be real, because then I wouldn't need to worry so much, and I don't think I have ever worried this much about someone on MSE before.

What I think may have happened is that the single-mindedness of our collective responses has scared Butterflymind and she is now in a state of total confusion. Don't forget the title of this thread - Is this abuse? - BM wasn't sure back then and in a relatively short space of time she is told it is and she should do something about it. Our responses are possibly overwhelming BM.

BM, please don't be frightened of what we are saying. We are looking at your situation logically and from a distance. We are bringing our own experiences of abuse to the thread, of course. We are trying to save you some of the pain some of us have suffered in similar situations.

I bet you are so confused. Wondering if you have misrepresented the situation in your posts? Thinking you would be crazy to walk away from a relationship on the advice of a bunch of anonymous internet posters? Of course you are confused.

But please BM, if you do only one thing, do this. Get away for a few days, a week if you can manage that. It will give you the chance to rest, to absorb all of the new information you have received and to process that information calmly and without pressure.

Please, a few days away could make all the difference. Let us know you are going then cut contact with your OH and with this thread for the duration so there is nothing new to add to the confusion.

Maybe go stay with the relative who has your dog? Better still, collect your dog and find a cottage/caravan somewhere quiet? Please, please, give yourself a few days of peace.