Is this abuse?

beautiful_ravens

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear MSE'rs

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post - not sure where else to put it.

Long story short, off work with depression, being made redundant, now my counsellor is telling me my OH is being emotionally abusive (I have posted a longer ramble under the Domestic Abuse Guide sticky).

Basically he is being very negative, and at weekend, even though I was pleased I had managed a lot of housework, because I made mistakes, e.g. buying dvd's we already had (and returned them), and then he found some groceries had gone off, he is saying he will take charge of buying them as I am 'not capable'. It made me feel upset, v. low, and a total failure...

He is not physical at all; but, he also 'accidentally' showed me a woman's name on his mobile, claiming she worked in office (I know who works there - and she isn't any of the 3 women there), then deleted all his texts. Again felt v. low and worthless.

So much more - he has even been jealous that I give more attention to our new rescue dog.... Yet I feel like a bad person, for complaining, as he can be so nice to me, help round house, etc... Feel like I imagine it sometimes/paranoid, etc.:(

BM

Hi. My ex was like this, generally, and also when I had depression, even down to what you describe about the dog jealousy. He was super-subtle with it though. I knew something was not right but could never quite put my finger on it as he was generally 'a nice bloke'.
After my depression got better, he was still like it - it took the depression and counselling for me to notice. After a few more years of trying to make it work I met someone by accident who is not like this, and the difference was amazing to me.
Needless to say I went throught the traumatic experience of splitting up with my ex, for the greater good [I have 3 kids]; now, almost 2 years on, all the kerfuffle has died down and Im a happier person with a supportive, positive partner.
Without knowing you I cant tell you what to do, only empathise, but I did the difficult thing and it paid off. Good luck.

Tamsin_Temrin

OP - nagging here - what are you doing about getting that break the doctor ordered? You remember the doctor, the one who spent years and years getting qualified? He knows what he is talking about and you should follow his advice - and turn your phone off while you are away. You can still contact WA while you are away.

Anyone else thing there is a better than even chance of the documents going missing?

I have a really long list of things I can nag you about, but I reckon you are getting enough grief from fface who is working you to keep you exhausted - you need energy to get away. What is the German for 'Work Makes Free' that they had over the concentration camps. After all, sleep deprivation isn't working as he can't stop you sleeping when he does.

Enough of the strong emotional stuff. Just please love yourself as much as you love your doggie.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for caring, I wish I hadn't been so open, I don't like you all worrying...

TT- haven't done a thing about taking a break, even tho' GP told me to. Can't face the hassle I would get... Been to claim JSA today (rang details in Mon, appt today), as OH nagging but think it's positive for me. Told him need all docs again for another meeting (true); so all has to be kept together for a while. Really struggle to think I am worthy of anything, still some days I dont shower/wash change clothes, don't want to get up... Weary of it all.

B_R - thank you for sharing that, guess my OH is similar, and it's taken a break down, antidepressants, counselling and dog to realise it's not the way someone who supposedly loves you should behave.

RR -do need reminding. He's being nice again and worst thing is I want to forget all the horrible bits. Just to try and keep him 'nice' and pretend everything is ok. Realise at best he is miserable and drags me down with him, at worst, I do think he is abusive.

LL - I know what you are saying, I am not putting my explainations very clearly, the counsellor isn't stopping me leaving, or delaying me, she is more just listening to me, and trying to get me to see how OH behaves isn't right, and trying to find coping strategies. The bolt on the bedroom door, I don't think she was right on that and didn't do it. She is more for people with depression/bereavement issues, rather than abuse... Scares me that you could be right, but, he hasnt been physical in past, and I am hoping, I guess that he won't be now...

Everyone else, sorry can't reply to you all, but I appreciate your concerns. I still (stubbornly) think it will be ok, that I can work it out, with a/d's, GP, counselling and WA. That having to go will be the last resort, that OH will go to counselling and will be able to change... I know you all think it's wishfull thinking, and prbably hav emore experience. Guess I am too stubborn/daft, but do feel with every step, things are becoming clearer and clearer.

And yes, venting on here does help me cope, reading your experiences, whats happened to you, makes me feel less uncertain/unsure of what's going on.

Phew - managed long ramble today...

Stubborn old BM

Hovel_lady

Butterflymind:

GET OUT.

Tamsin_Temrin

Does f face know you have been advised to go away for your health?

You actually are doing a really good impression of an incredibly loving and caring, strong human being in an intolerable situation. Somewhere out there deserves you more than f face. You deserve someone who deserves you.

Someone who stands up for their doggie in the situation you were in is someone with a lot of value.

If f face doesnt know about being advised to go away then that is brilliant. You tell him when you are booked into a hotel with a sea view. Then turn off the phone. He can do nothing. He honestly can do nothing. btw if you had sex with an entire rugby team in the kitchen when he wanted a cup of tea, he still could do nothing except divorce you. And ask where the teaspoon has been. He has less power over you than you think.

This is me trying to find an angle that I hope will help you help yourself. I am saying this as f face is manipulating you. I want to point out when I have an angle. My angle is that I think you are worth me taking the time to give a different point of view and that your husband is destroying a valuable human being.

If you had a broken leg, and the doctor told you that you needed a plaster cast, you would consider it, yes? How about if you had a bursting appendix, you would go into hospital and have the surgery, yes? This break is up there with burst appendix and possibly worse. It is something that is seriously damaging your health.

Imagine what it would be like to not speak to him for a week? Betcha that you would feel guilty and missing him - thats stockholm syndrome. But you would also feel refreshed, and relieved and relaxed.

And seriously, seriously worrying about you.

Tamsin_Temrin

BM - why should he change - hes happy how things are now and he doesnt love you. I dont think he even likes you, but you bet your life that he is happy to use you.

trouble is, you are betting your life.

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you for caring, I wish I hadn't been so open, I don't like you all worrying...

TT- haven't done a thing about taking a break, even tho' GP told me to. Can't face the hassle I would get... Been to claim JSA today (rang details in Mon, appt today), as OH nagging but think it's positive for me. Told him need all docs again for another meeting (true); so all has to be kept together for a while. Really struggle to think I am worthy of anything, still some days I dont shower/wash change clothes, don't want to get up... Weary of it all.

B_R - thank you for sharing that, guess my OH is similar, and it's taken a break down, antidepressants, counselling and dog to realise it's not the way someone who supposedly loves you should behave.

RR -do need reminding. He's being nice again and worst thing is I want to forget all the horrible bits. Just to try and keep him 'nice' and pretend everything is ok. Realise at best he is miserable and drags me down with him, at worst, I do think he is abusive.

LL - I know what you are saying, I am not putting my explainations very clearly, the counsellor isn't stopping me leaving, or delaying me, she is more just listening to me, and trying to get me to see how OH behaves isn't right, and trying to find coping strategies. The bolt on the bedroom door, I don't think she was right on that and didn't do it. She is more for people with depression/bereavement issues, rather than abuse... Scares me that you could be right, but, he hasnt been physical in past, and I am hoping, I guess that he won't be now...

Everyone else, sorry can't reply to you all, but I appreciate your concerns. I still (stubbornly) think it will be ok, that I can work it out, with a/d's, GP, counselling and WA. That having to go will be the last resort, that OH will go to counselling and will be able to change... I know you all think it's wishfull thinking, and prbably hav emore experience. Guess I am too stubborn/daft, but do feel with every step, things are becoming clearer and clearer.

And yes, venting on here does help me cope, reading your experiences, whats happened to you, makes me feel less uncertain/unsure of what's going on.

Phew - managed long ramble today...

Stubborn old BM

BM please take this with the spirit it's intended.

It's not so much wishful thinking as you burying your head in the sand.
You do realise his behaviour is abusive?
You do realise that this is not how love is or indeed should be?
You left this man once before because of his behaviour and you've gone back and you're still trying to convince yourself he can change or indeed even wants to.

He is exhausting you, you're facing redundancy, he has no intentions of getting a job and appears to be lining himself up for being a "kept man". I know you're tired, battling depression, wading through an emotional quagmire BUT as long as you keep avoiding the issue that your H will not change then you are never going to get anywhere.

Stop pretending he will change, he hasn't after you left the last time and why would he need to? You came back after all. You stay and put up with it. This all reinforces that his behaviour is acceptable. Is it really stubbornness or the thought that leaving your H is harder and scarier than staying and putting up with it all. I know that's half my friends problem, the threat of what a git her H would be if she left him and divorced him.......she is staying with him as its the lesser of two evils in her mind. And your post above has just made me think the same :(

faerie~spangles

How long are you willing to live the way you are?

Wearing outdoor clothes in bed?
Putting things against the bedroom door?
The above are things you are choosing to do!


Below are things you have or are experiencing
Being gawped at by YOUR OWNER.
Being given a tiny morsel of kindness and being ever so grateful.
Being allowed to sleep when your MASTER sleeps.
Being deprived of heat and light.
Being told to fetch and carry.
Really the list is endless of what that pathetic excuse for a man is putting you through!


I really don't want to hurt you BM BUT you are deluding yourself by thinking he will change whilst you are living in the same house as him.

smileyt_2

HE WON'T CHANGE. Please, BM - so much research and so many statistics point to the fact that men like this JUST DON'T CHANGE. You are kidding yourself and wasting your life if you think otherwise, and might even pay with your life. You are certainly paying with your health at the moment.

You have a choice between someone who is using and abusing you, doesn't love you and is making you ill, OR freedom with a dog who will be far more faithful than your OH - and might in the end lead you to make friends with a male dog-lover you meet out walking who is a decent, kind bloke who would treat you like a princess.

Sweetheart, it is not rocket science. Please, please, please make the decision to go.

I'm not going to post again on here again (although will read) as obviously the support is contributing to you staying in your situation and that is the very last thing I want to encourage. I don't want to not post but I don't want to be party to you maintaining your status quo.

Good luck, stay safe, and I hope you make the right decision xxxx.

beautiful_ravens

No, he wont change. People generally dont. You probably cant change from being a kind thoughtful person, either. But, you have to be emotionally cold for a bit to get away from him.
My ex did not change in 12 years, not for anything. And he scared the absolute s**t out of me when I wanted to split up, it was frightening, but it was done, it can be done.
One person alone cannot make a relationship of two work. And I am not impressed with his treatment of the dog either. In a way it echoes his treatment of you.
Please, please leave him, take care of your own soul and spirit.