Is this abuse?

Tamsin_Temrin

Hovering around this thread all the time, worrying.

Butterfly - it is that serious!

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank u for advice, do have a saving account, RP will go there, and in my name.

Will sign on and look for job - need contact with people, independance, wage. OH never stops pushing me to do something, even if exhausted, signing on though I feel is positive for me.

Think he will quit his job, n expect me to keep him...

Still have doc's here, OH came across them I said its all ready for JC, as they will need to see them....!

Now wearing some clothes at night, plus things behind door, dressing in bathroom bolt thedoor...

Shouldn't have to do this, in proper relationship, still need to follow up WA n get help/advice. Still don't think my head is there yet...

Saw counsellor again, she says it is all about my survival at the moment, day to day, anything that gives me feeling of security/bitof control, will help... Told here won't be bolting bedroom door ad she agrees to me keeping things subtle, so it's not noticeable...

She is hinting about me leaving, but also saying I am not in right frame of mind yet.

Hope WA can help me think it out prperly.

Thank you all for putting up with me and my dithering....

BM

faerie~spangles

You're doing well BM.

Now that you've' explained the documents to his satisfaction (I hope). Why don't you mention de-cluttering and taking stuff to the charity shop, that will give you a chance to collect up some clothing and things that you treasure. Put them in a black bag and take them to a friend/relative... Just make sure you do de-clutter a bit. Make a fuss of not wanting to part with something that you really want to keep. No doubt he'll encourage you to get rid.

Caroline_a

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank u for advice, do have a saving account, RP will go there, and in my name. Brilliant!! well done!!

Will sign on and look for job - need contact with people, independance, wage. OH never stops pushing me to do something, even if exhausted, signing on though I feel is positive for me. Try to say no. You managed it when you had little dog, now do it for you... 'no, I'm too tired, you do it'

Think he will quit his job, n expect me to keep him...That's interesting. He won't get any JSA then. He's going to be very skint when you disappear! And serves him right!!!

Still have doc's here, OH came across them I said its all ready for JC, as they will need to see them....! :T:T:T:T

Now wearing some clothes at night, plus things behind door, dressing in bathroom bolt thedoor...

Shouldn't have to do this, in proper relationship, still need to follow up WA n get help/advice. Still don't think my head is there yet...

Saw counsellor again, she says it is all about my survival at the moment, day to day, anything that gives me feeling of security/bitof control, will help... Told here won't be bolting bedroom door ad she agrees to me keeping things subtle, so it's not noticeable...

She is hinting about me leaving, but also saying I am not in right frame of mind yet. Your counsellor should not be making those sort of decisions for you. A counsellor's role is to help you to come to decisions, not to make them for you. (I have counsellor training, so I know what I'm talking about!)

Hope WA can help me think it out prperly. I'm sure they will do

Thank you all for putting up with me and my dithering....

BM

Just wanted to say how far you have come, and I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that we on here are very proud of you, and are all (imagine this!!) standing behind you supporting you! Keep going!

Newly_retired

Don't dither a moment longer. You will get contribution-based JSA.
You will get help and support from WA and hopefully from friends and family.
Go , for your own safety.

Wellyboots6

BM I am worried that he knows about your documents now.

When you go to the Job Center make sure you take them with you, and leave them somewhere. It is not going to be long before he puts two and two together i.e. you getting a little stronger, putting things behind the door, having a collection of documents etc.

cathryn107

BM
I'm just popping in to give you a very gentle (and supportive!) prod. You have to think about what you want in the medium and long term. At the moment you are so ground down you are surviving day to day, hour to hour. You can probably go on like this indefinitely as people carry on in abusive relationships for years and years. It's not going to get better for you, and if you want things to improve you will have to take action at some point.

I'm glad that this thread has given you strength. Do you, however, think there's a risk that coming here will allow you to vent your pain, and give you just enough relief to cope with your husband for another hour, or another day? You know you can leave and WA will ensure that you won't have to go back, but is that knowledge allowing you to think 'I can go when I'm ready, the fact I can go at some point is keeping me going - so I don't have to go just yet'?

What I'm trying to get across is that this thread is a crutch, but it shouldn't be a crutch to make you more able to cope with abuse, but a crutch to help you hobble out the door towards a new and happy life!

As awful as it sounds I wish that you had been unable to find a safe home for your beloved dog, and that he continued to be abused by your partner. If that had happened I'm sure you would have taken action as you value your dog more highly than yourself. Once he was safe you lost momentum.

I wish you all the strength in the world, and hope that you go sooner, rather than later or never. You have friends, you have family, you have WA and you also have a lost and lonely dog who wants his mistress back more than anything. I understand that he's a rescue pet - please don't let him be abandoned again. He needs you and you need him.

claire16c

What will he do when he finds out the money hasnt gone into your joint account? How long will he act 'nice' for then? Because believe me, hes acting. Men like this go through the classic pattern of being very charming after abusing their partner to try to persuade them not to leave.

I cant believe your counsellor. Im sorry but they sound rubbish.

Its very worrying he has found your documents, even though you have an excuse at the moment. What if it takes you weeks to find a job? You cant wait until then to leave!

You dont seem to think your head is in the right place but what is going to put it there? for him to become violent or rape you or god knows what? so youve got a 'real' excuse to leave? You already have one. You dont need to justify yourself to anyone about why you left.

You need to leave NOW before something worse happens. Its like people who wait to have a heart attack before they stop smoking.

lessonlearned

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Still don't think my head is there yet...

Saw counsellor again, she says it is all about my survival at the moment, day to day, anything that gives me feeling of security/bitof control, will help... Told here won't be bolting bedroom door ad she agrees to me keeping things subtle, so it's not noticeable...

She is hinting about me leaving, but also saying I am not in right frame of mind yet.

BM

Your Counsellor is a total waste of space and is dangerously out of her depth.

Now I can appreciate that she might contravene guidelines or regulations or whatever by telling you to leave. However she should not be telling you that you are not in the right frame of mind and that you should not leave.

She owes you a duty of care to protect you if you cannot protect yourself. She cannot make the decision to leave for you but she should not being talking you out of it. I find that shameful.

Sweetie - as others have said - get out of there now.

He knows about the documents and he'll soon know about your money. He will not take that lying down. How do you think he will react.

This is likely to be the trigger point and he may well go on the rampage. What then - will you let him beat you, rape you, batter you into submission.

You need to make a move now. You'll be fine, you'll get the help you need and with each passing day you will get stronger.

If you stay with him you will continue to get more and more confused, more browbeaten, more put upon. You are being abused and like many others here I genuinely fear for your safety.

If you can't pack any clothes - just get your documents, pop some spare undies and a clean t-shirt, together with any valuable jewellery into your handbag and get out of there.

Go to a police station, they have seen it all before and they will help you.

Please don't delay any longer. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your little dog who is waiting for you. You rescued your dog once, you can't abandon him again.

RacyRed

Butterflymind wrote: »

OH is being super-nice to me, when he thought I was at counselling this week, it's tailed off when he found out it's next week...

...Now apparently I am also training our dog completely wrongly; he 'disciplines' her by holding her off the ground by the scruff of her neck, or dragging her off the bed by her legs, and ignores me when I protest. He says I am too soft with her. I point out she was mistreated. He then gets upset when she cringes and runs away, so treats her gently, strokes and cuddles her, plays with her, gets her confidence back, and then shouts at her again so she runs away. Poor little sod doesn't know what to do, and is all submissive round him... God, that sounds so familiar....

... I am trying to say that I am loving the dog, feel I have something to love, and having love returned, something I feel I've missed for a long time, but, at the same time, feel bad that she's on the receiving end of his bullying, trying, and failing, to stop him doing it. I guess it's lucky in a way we don't have kids...

...I am trying to say that I am loving the dog, feel I have something to love, and having love returned, something I feel I've missed for a long time...

Butterflymind, I think it is time to remind you of your post in March about your lovely little dog.

You did something to stop him treating her the way he treats you. I hope you soon find the strength to stop him treating you the way he was with her?

When you leave there is someone in your immediate future who will be very loyal and love you for being you. That will be a very good beginning don't you think?