Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you again for all your support.... Still tired, but, bit more of a rest today. Actually went out with parents, H to visit DB in his new house and had a nice day out. Can't remember the last time I saw him, has a lovely place in country, worked v. hard for it.

Would be my idea of a dream home - and he has chickens!

Got back at end of the day tired, even went bed and didn't eat tea (had a meal out though earlier).

Chilling out now, altho OH wants to spend day planting...

BN

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

Chilling out now, altho OH wants to spend day planting...

Tell him he's free to spend the day planting, you're having a rest!

Tamsin_Temrin

You know the old saying, 'hard work never killed anyone?'

Try getting a laugh with that in the salt mines. Your physical and mental health is low. And he is feeding lots of 'not so nasty' to you because you are not dancing to his tune. You stood up to him about your doggie. You are not biting about stuff like 'missing' jewellery.

(btw - would he have had an opportunity to sell it? And did it have apparent sentimental value to you?)

Just imagine visiting your DB whenever you like. Keep your eyes on the prize!

And if 'not as nasty/nice' doesnt work Im worried he will go to 'even more nasty to get a reaction'.

Are the lights back on?

Tamsin_Temrin

Just checking in

downshifted

It's 2 months since your first post on this thread. What's changed? Nothing. What will have happened in 2 months' time? Nothing. Unless you change it. It's your choice. Kind MSE'rs can come on here and tell you what they think, can worry about you, and keep checking back, but unless you want things to be different they will stay the same.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why nothing has changed? Only you know that. In my experience, people only stay in relationships as long as the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. It's not clear to outsiders what these benefits might be, from the stories you tell on here. But you are clearly getting something, or why are you staying?

Maybe you need to be attached to someone who, deep down, you know doesn't value you and treats you badly. Maybe this whole routine of being needed by him (because he does need someone in his life who he can treat badly, to raise his own low self esteem) and then consoled by MSE is the way you want your life to be. There are people who measure their self worth by the myriad things in their life that they martyr themselve to, and rely on the sympathy they receive for their tough times to make them feel good about themselves. Might you be one of them? I hope not. But if you are, it's by choice.

The downside is that if you keep on doing what you've always done, you will keep on getting what you've always had. Is that what you really want? Is your life the one you want? For the next 2 months, for the next 2 years?

The view of people here is overwhelmingly that this man is toxic. Be careful. If you stay you will be sucked into a co-dependency that wears your life away before you have experienced all the things that make life worthwhile. Make a choice - your life is yours to do what you want with. You can stay or you can go. Please make a good choice and make it soon.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Tried to write post replying to you, but it disappeared...

Short version: Will try WA again, worried that I am over-reacting and they aren't worried?

Hard to explain why I am still here but will try: low energy, tired, seems 'easier' to stay and put up with it, esp. while he's niceish at the mo, than go through all stress, pressure, hassle, emotional blackmail that happened last time I left (threatened suicide, dying of cancer (wasn't), didn't eat, promised to change, counselling, etc). And fear I can't cope with it again, can't survive on my own, no job, etc...

Less tired today, had some rest, altho OH critical.

BM

Butterflymind

Dear all

Also thanks to all that post, help me to question whats happening, get through to me.

Counsellor says it sounds like I have been 'crushed' by parents (over-protective, possessive, 'know what's best'), and now being crushed by OH. Like its all I know, habit, familiar.

BM

Mojisola

Please don't think you're being weak - it takes an enormous amount of courage to break away from the situation you're in. Remember he's been working hard to make you reliant on him and has made you feel that you can't trust your own judgement.

Keep contact with us and WA so you can keep in touch with reality.

beautiful_ravens

This thread hasnt changed? I hope BM gets out of there.
I have to say, it took 11 years of rumination, tears, depression, ups and downs, child rearing, brainwashing, planning, counselling, money saving and random ideas for me to finally get away from my ex...so 2 months isnt that long in comparison. But still I want to say to BM - get out before that happens to you.

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

than go through all stress, pressure, hassle, emotional blackmail that happened last time I left (threatened suicide, dying of cancer (wasn't), didn't eat, promised to change, counselling, etc). And fear I can't cope with it again, can't survive on my own, no job, etc...

Erm... Why are you planning to talk with him once you've left?

Write him a letter and walk out, leave your mobile on the letter
Don't tell him where you are
Get a new phone so he can't contact you

Simple.

If you Half heatedly leave him he'll know he can talk you round. If you leave him astonished when you go and are DETERMINED not to talk to him he won't play you up because he'll know he's lost.

It really is as easy as YOU make it.