Is this abuse?

duchy

Mojisola wrote: »

Has this counsellor had any training in domestic abuse? What she's suggesting is more likely to provoke him than make him be nice to you. I think it's potentially dangerous advice for you.



.

Agreed-she's a depression specialist NOT a domestic abuse specialist -and I think she's out of her depth or not fully comprehending the whole situation.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm worried by this aggressive action. It puts me in mind that he might be intending/planning to take what he wants by force now - not sneakily and subtly when you're sleeping - but violently.


But your reaction heartens me somewhat. As it sounds as if somewhere, the changes are being made - you are realising he does not have the right to do any of this to you and that you DO NOT have to accept this treatment.



Moreover, you DO NOT have to ever return to that house.



I always check out this thread, hoping you'll post that you closed the door behind you and kept on walking.

Mojisola

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I always check out this thread, hoping you'll post that you closed the door behind you and kept on walking.

There'll be cheers all round the country when we read that's happened!

smileyt_2

I guess you're at lunch with your colleagues now. Oh, I do hope you're telling them and they are helping you to escape. I too am really frightened by the shower incident, I feel it's only a matter of time before he RAPES YOU and starts to HURT YOU in other ways too. I also agree that your counsellor is out of her depth. If she had anything about her she would be telling you about WA. Sorry for shouting but it's that serious.

Please, please, BM, before it's too late, please make a move. If I were one of the colleagues you were meeting for lunch today and you told me what was going on there would be no way I would want you to go back. You could have my bed and I'd sleep on the sofa until you got your own place. Unfortunately I am miles away or I would be there like a shot to help you.

Tamsin_Temrin

Butterfly - face up to it, its only a matter of time before we get a SWAT team sorted (joking) People on here think you have more value than you allow yourself.

Just keep taking one step, and another step, and another step. It is never too late to get away, never too late to walk away, and you can post any time.

(and I think your therapist should have owned up and said, I do not know jack about this, I'll get you the number of a specialist - not that Im an expert either)

RacyRed

BM, forgive me, I'm copying your post on the abuse sticky to here because there is more, and important, information in it.

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear mse'ers

I apologise if I am not posting this in the right place. Please re-direct if not...

I have been going through a lot of bad things recently, but, in my introductory counselling session, a therapist shocked me by saying I was being abused by my husband.

I feel weird, bewildered, all sorts of things, but, although some things rang a bell with me, I thought I was far from being a beaten wife... She pointed out it was emotional abuse, and could I recognise it as such. I couldn't get my head round it.

However, this weekend, on another downer. I had worked hard on cleaning and laundering this week, and felt I was coming more out of depression, but, because I made mistakes with shopping (i bought dvd's we already had, and didn't spot that some things had gone off), my husband said that he would have to organise and do the shopping instead. I felt really upset. I felt a total failure and really low. Found myself binge eating chocolate and had horrible nights sleep.

I also thought back to start of depression and struggled all day to even write a shopping list - why didn't he help me then? And this lead to other thoughts. Why didn't he take responsibility for all the drugs in the house when I asked him to? After I told him I wanted to over-dose? And why did he also make a point of 'accidentally' showing me an unknown woman's name on his mobile, claim it was an office girl, when we both know who works at his place (small firm), so I felt utterly worthless, unloveable, etc...

Confused. He's being so nice to me that I feel a real bad person for even typing this. Yet then I also think about getting our rescue dog - to cheer up my situation, and how he reacted (because I said I needed to use ladies, he fired up and said he wasn't going to stand in reception waiting for me, I was to go first, hand in adoption form, then fetch him from car. He waited till I was at the boot before he got out, it was humiliating, but, I thought if I didn't do as he asked he would change his mind, ad I couldn't get our dog).

Yet he is good in so many ways, helps with housework, doesn't smoke, womanise, spend all night in pubs, etc. Wants to be there 24/7, etc. My head is all over the place right now and I am feeling scared of doing anything. I am losing my job (redundancy)., he has pressured me to have a joint account together (we had separate ones when we split before because of his jealousy). I don't know whether I am coming or going....

Feel like I am imagining it all, as have talked to work colleagues in past, but, when they meet him, he is shy, polite, charming, no-one ever sees how he can be at times. He now even denies he was ever jealous, even though we went to Relate about this? Am I going mad?

BM

He controlled you going to the loo? !!!!!!! No, you are not going mad, and yes, this is abuse of the worst kind.

I would give anything to know what to say to make you realise that you have to get out of there right now.

Were you not able to lock the bathroom door when you went to shower? No lock? His idea? OMG! How being looked at like that must have made you feel. You poor, poor love! Well done on calling him a perve though, nice one :T

I'm also worried about the advice your therapist gave you and think following it could put you in physical danger.

You are getting there, closer and closer. The problem is that if we can sense it then so can he. And that is dangerous.

Please sweetheart, forget the chores, forget all the turmoil. Pick up your bag of documents, go to the door, close your eyes, let your mind and emotions settle by focusing on the cutest memory of your dog you can think of, then just open that door and walk out of it.

MunniMuncha

BM - after reading your post re the shower incident, I am shaking with fear for your own safety and rage for the fact that your counsellor suggested you put a lock on your bedroom door - !!!!!!, he/she should be telling you to get out of there fast!

I would suggest that you get rid of your counsellor IMMEDIATELY and at the same time walk out that door.

Thinking of you and hoping that you have had a nice lunch and were able to confide in one of your work colleagues

Tamsin_Temrin

Anyone else on pins to see if Butterfly is safe?

smileyt_2

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Anyone else on pins to see if Butterfly is safe?

Me. I keep checking this thread to see if she's made the break to safety. I am so frightened for her. I've just told my housemate briefly what this thread is about and he is only 22 and even he said, "OMG she needs to get out of there, it sounds like he will end up killing her." He also said he would never hit a girl, he had been warned by his dad that if ever he or his brothers ill-treated a woman they would get what for because you treat your partner with respect. So not all men are bad. Unfortunately for BM she has ended up with a bad one.

BM GET OUT OF THERE DARLING!

Melonade

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Anyone else on pins to see if Butterfly is safe?

Yes!!!!!

BM, hoping you found you were able to talk to your friends about this.

Seriously your counsellor is sh*te!!

From your posts we know you have friends and family that you could turn to. I'm hoping you confide in them properly and truthfully so they can help.

I'm hoping your at a friends now and are safe, not returning home and are making a new start