Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Hello all

Sorry I haven't posted, thank you for still pushing me...

Went to counsellor and told her full events. She is saying I must look after myself, survive and protect myself. Also suggested putting bolt inside my bedroom door so I can sleep.

Worries me that it will make things worse = she thinks he isn't hearing me, and it will drive message home that I am fearful of him, that I am taking a stand to protect my space, and he can't ignore/deny how I feel. That if he really cares, he would respect my feelings, and won't stop me doing it.

I told her I was worried that he would kick off about it. She said stand up to that... Guess it would sink in to us both that this is not a good relationship.

Other day in bathroom ready to shower, he walked in, didn't speak and stared at my privates. Not a casual glance, actually he bent double and was eye level with it, staring. I felt anger, intimidated, like he was eying a piece of meat on a butcher's slab. Like he was making a point he can invade my privacy any time he wants, and stare at what he wants. Felt v. uncomfortable, like I wasn't even a person to him. No love, no looking into my eyes or face, just that one part of me. Found a voice to say sarcastically 'When you've quite finished perving...!" He walked out muttering, never even looked at me.

Put WA number on my mobile. Actually seeing work colleagues for lunch, despite his disapproval. I think I am struggling, but, baby steps like this are making it gradually easier for me...

Venting on here, it's like it all goes away in my thoughts, and talking to counsellor, so I can pretend my life is 'normal' and keep functioning. Am finally getting to the point that when I read these posts I can't deny it's happening any more...

BM

Butterflymind

Dear all

Want to add that you are all making sense/giving sound advice... Why haven't I done more? Struggling, takes so much mental energy, doing chores, some days can't even get energy to post, shower, change clothes... Still battling depression, still taking tablets, still trying to motivate myself... Tired again as he was up in early hours. Again. But every small step for me is a massive achievement...

BM

Gigervamp

I'm glad you posted. Ring WA while you are out today. I'd also confide in your work colleagues. You need real life support.

Have to say, I don't understand your councillors response. I don't think she really understands domestic abuse.

Bitsy_Beans

What a truly vile creature he is but well done BM for saying something :T I to so some posters it might not seem like a lot but it's a step in the right direction. Keep going BM you CAN do this :T

I personally think your counseollor is rubbish.
I agree with Gigervamp, ring the WA whilst you are out, tell your colleagues. Get as much support where you can.

findingmyownway

Tell your colleagues what is happening TODAY

Hopefully one of them will be sensible enough to take you into their home for a couple of nights - I do think with some sleep and decent food you will feel stronger

You can also use their internet etc to sort out your banking. DONT LET HIM STEAL YOUR MONEY

Tamsin_Temrin

How do you eat an elephant - one bite at a time.

he is getting worse because he feels you are standing up to him more and challenging him more. He probably doesnt see you as a person. Would you treat a person like this? He would have a funny turn if you tried to get him to accept the same treatment as he dishes out, but he sees himself as a person - and he isnt acting like he thinks you are.

Not trained, not experienced, just saying what I think, and I think that you are facing a shrinking window of opportunity. He has been physically abusive to your dog, he is staring at you like a piece of meat and it sounds like asserting ownership (not allowed to use the words you should have used to him on this forum), why do you think he will not get physically abusive to you?

Keep posting, keep talking and keep pushing out of the comfort zone to reach out of that pit. Worried poo-less about you.

duchy

I think lunch today is an excellent idea

You need reminding how normal people interact -what your OH is doing isn't normal -and sadly you are too close to the situation to help him. He has serious mental health issues -his behaviour is seriously disturbed. If you can't ask your former workmates for help then please having experienced a normal meal with normal people make that call to WA and ask them for refuge. Don't look back -take your bag of documents with you -in case you are brave enough to do it-If it's too big just take your passport and bank details. You can return (accompanied) for the other stuff later.

Step out today and don't look back. Please !

Tamsin_Temrin

btw if he kicks off you can call police, ask for him to be removed and ask for an order keeping him away from the property while you work out !!!!!! to do (and catch up with sleep)

And - big and - when he suddenly finds that you are not in his control and he has a health scare or a breakdown - not your fault and not your problem. Practise saying this, really helps.

sassyblue

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I personally think your counseollor is rubbish.

I agree with Gigervamp, ring the WA whilst you are out, tell your colleagues. Get as much support where you can.

I think the counsellor is rubbish too!

You know BM there's nothing to stop you not going home today, tell your colleagues and ask what they think, ask them if they'll help you go to WA today.

If it were me BM l wouldn't be in the least bit offended, it would be nice to know you were trusted and helped someone escape domestic abuse.

Plus, along with your family those colleagues could want to be your support system in the first few days....

BTW, you have actually stood upto him on going out for lunch, don't forget to congratulate yourself for that.

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

Worries me that it will make things worse = she thinks he isn't hearing me, and it will drive message home that I am fearful of him, that I am taking a stand to protect my space, and he can't ignore/deny how I feel. That if he really cares, he would respect my feelings, and won't stop me doing it.

I told her I was worried that he would kick off about it. She said stand up to that... Guess it would sink in to us both that this is not a good relationship.

Has this counsellor had any training in domestic abuse? What she's suggesting is more likely to provoke him than make him be nice to you. I think it's potentially dangerous advice for you.

Butterflymind wrote: »

Want to add that you are all making sense/giving sound advice... Why haven't I done more? Struggling, takes so much mental energy, doing chores, some days can't even get energy to post, shower, change clothes... Still battling depression, still taking tablets, still trying to motivate myself... Tired again as he was up in early hours. Again. But every small step for me is a massive achievement...

I know you feel overwhelmed but it's because you are in his thrall. If you could make the move and get out, lots of those feelings will just drop away and you will have the energy to deal with what's necessary. It won't all be sweetness and light just because you've left him - the next few months could be very difficult but you will be making your own decisions about your own life and that will make everything else worthwhile.