Is this abuse?

duchy

I am so glad you have WA's number in your bag .....it's a step forward -and one step closer to ringing them.

claire16c

Ive just read all of this thread bar a page or two.

Butterfly - it started it March. We are now in May. What are you waiting for?? Do you want to still be on here posting on here in June,July etc. I promise you he will not change. Why would he? He has no reason to.

I notice in your post above you said you hope it will get better with the right counselling. Do you honestly think your husband would see a counsellor??

Why is your redundancy money going to go into your joint account - cant you just tell your work your bank details have changed?

It sounds as though you havent told your own counsellor the whole story , which is the only reason why I can guess she hasnt told you to get out straight away!

Your husband sounds like, no wait - IS a deranged pyscho. Turning off lights/heating? In a normal relationship - well firstly that wouldnt happen - but why havent you switched them back on? If you are too scared to, then clearly something is not right.

It sounds like you may as well be living in a jail - infact youd have more freedom there from the sounds of it!

Stop wasting your life on this pathetic waste of space of a man. Isnt is a classic thing that adult murderers start with harming animals? Reading that post about the dog make me feel sick and Im not even an 'animal person'.

At the end of the day you can talk to a counsellor and post on here as much as you like (and you should keep doing so). But no one else can get you out of the situation apart from you.

If he was so nice (and being 'nice' is not buying you a garden ornament after abusing you), and your life was great - then you wouldnt be on here in the first place. So you need to pick up that carrier bag of documents and walk out.

What is the worst that could happen if you did that? It certainly couldnt be any worse than the situation you are in now. Call WA tomorrow and get help.

Tamsin_Temrin

Back on decent keyboard.

f***face being nice - it is called the cycle of abuse, as if someone is nasty all the time then no-one would stay, no victim would get hooked. So fface will be 'nice' or 'not nasty' to you on a regular basis because that gives you hope that deep down there is something there worth fighting for if he could only see how much this is hurting you.

Trouble is, he sees it all right. And likes what he sees. Sorry. But otherwise why would he be giving you grief and forcing you to stop giving to a charity that is important to you? Or mentioning that lump at the exact time the info would do the most damage? Or attacking something that gives you peace of mind? Someone who actually loved you would keep unnecessary things just to give you peace of mind, not lose necessary stuff despite what you feel.

BIG IMPORTANT BIT - if you let him guess that you are leaving then I think you are at risk of physical harm. He was happy to harm a defenceless animal, in order to upset and control you. Why should he stop at harming you if he thinks it will do the job of stopping you leaving and putting you back in your place.

I keep checking on here and worrying about you. Loads of good advice from Valli. Stay safe - seriously, this is about your mental survival as an individual with your own mind and maybe even your physical safety.

DO NOT SIGN AWAY ANY RIGHTS TO YOUR MONEY OR YOUR ENTITLEMENTS WHILE YOU ARE STILL UNDER PRESSURE FOR HIM AND DONT CANCEL ANYTHING THAT BENEFITS YOU.

Keep posting - keep getting a point of view from away from him - keep listening to that voice that tells you things are not right.

Melonade

Butterflymind wrote: »

Everyone asks here why I don't leave. I ask myself that every single day. I still feel something. Don't know how to describe it. A hope that it will get better with the right counselling....

Physically yes, I could pick up documents and run. Emotionally I am so twisted up inside. Sway between loving feeling when he's nice/charming, to feeling numb/tired/guilty/depressed/ a bad person for thinking of going. Roller coaster. Don't know how he is going to be from one day to the next.

He is pushing you from one emotion to another, confusing you and giving enough for you to cling onto a shred of hope!! This is not the way two people who are supposed to love each other live.

I also believe what another poster has said and that he does not love you and he is after your money!! Some peole will walk out the door without any money at all and definatley without money coming in the future. But why make this harder for yourself? Are you going to wait till he gets your money and then LEAVES YOU?? Or takes the money and still makes your life hell?

I think you should stop with holding info to your councellor for a start!! I honestly believe you need someone sitting in front of you to say "This is not right, you need to leave and do it now" It may feel like your getting support on here and you are... BUT you are not really listening or taking any of it in properly. People have repeated themselves over and over with the same statements trying to help you. I'm not sure what else people can say.

You know what you need to do and yes it'll be hard. There are people out there to give you help and support that are trained for this type of thing. But if you think you can fix this or it's going to get better because he charms you for a few days then you are really kidding yourself. How many more days of your life are you willing to waste on something that is well and truly broken?

Sagaris

Couldn't have put it better Melonade - Butterflymind -

GO AND GO NOW!!!!!

Sorry to shout but you don't seem to be hearing us!

thorsoak

Start thinking about what the future holds for you, Butterflymind.

He has already cancelled insurances, and is shutting off lights. Because of the way he treated your dog, you have effectively lost its companionship - you know he's not going to let you get it back, don't you? You are having to sleep WHEN HE CHOOSES TO - not when you need to.

He intends to leave work - and live off your redundancy? Why have you not got your own bank account? He has already undermind your confidence in your ability to act upon your own - how much worse will this get? He'll decide that you don't need your laptop/cant afford broadband, then TV licence - or will dictate what TV programmes can/cannot be watched....

He will be dictating what food you can and cannot buy ....will probably start doing the cooking .......

Is this how you want life to be? Because that is the best of what you can expect!

Or is this whole thread a charade - is this really happening to you? If it is - why have you not listened to us - once you go, you won't have to see him/speak to him again - unless YOU choose to!

For goodness' sake - go - but go quickly. If you stay, you have no chance of a good life - its not happening!

maryb

I know you still love what you want him to be. But think, he is not capable of being that while you are there and his demons are in charge and telling him to do what he is doing. When you look at it like that - wouldn't it be better for both of you to break that cycle? I know you worry you are a bad person and no reassurances will convince you otherwise. But for BOTH your sakes, move out and do it now! If there is anything to save it can still be saved later - and taking action to stop what is happening won't harm the outcome if there is anything worth saving

Have to be honest here - I don't think there is anything. But you will never know UNLESS you move out and stop him in his tracks

duchy

I think.....you are still clinging onto the hope he will change BUT whilst you are still living there he has no reason to change.

If you leave -either he realizes things can't continue as they are .....and agrees to councelling BEFORE you will consider returning.........or he doesn't. Either way you have nothing to lose.

I don't think you are been fair to your therapist by not giving her the full story-If you go to a doctor with a problem but only tell them about half the symptoms-do you expect them to be able to ease your pain ? If you can't tell her-write her a letter (or send her the link to this thread)

Regarding the redundancy -please contact your old employer and give them your "new" bank details -tomorrow !

Have you moved your documents to your Mum's house yet ?

Three steps for tomorrow-please take them !

Valli

If you had gone while he was in the hospital you could well be living in your own little flat with your doggy by now...
it won't be any easier if you wait to leave.
It won't be any harder if you go now than if you leave it a month.

You are at rock bottom. The only way is up out of the pit. You need to shake off the ties that are keeping you in that pit - and that means him.

As you climb up out of the pit of darkness you will see light - a future without him is a bright future. Be brave and take that first step!

maryb

If you can do online banking then you should be able to open up a sole account with your existing bank with the click of a mouse and it would not appear on the home page if he logs on - he would only see your joint account. Then you can tell your employer your account number has changed and it will go straight into your own account. If necessary tell him your employer used out of date bank details and stall, stall, stall