Is this abuse?

faerie~spangles

Sweetie you are not a coward, pathetic or an idiot.

You are a frightened woman who has been ground down by a manipulative partner.

Even when I kept a diary of what I was going through my ex managed to convince me it was all in my head.

I showed my diary to the dad of one of my son's friends and he told me that I ought to write a book or go on the comedy circuit. Not because he didn't believe me but because he did and his son who spent time in my home confirmed some of what I had written.

I could wax lyrically of how my ex's mind games destroyed my self esteem. Of how it took me years of planning to pluck up the courage to leave him.

Only you can take ownership of your future Sweetie.

You can choose to remain in the relationship you are in or you can choose to get the hell out.

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you - it's hard to read these things back and realise its happening. Sounds crazy, caught up on sleep (when he sleeps I do) and I ask myself what the hell am I doing?

There is still something there, on my side, some feeling. I am a coward, and pathetic, and dread starting again on my own...

Talking to WA makes it something I can't hide from... Been swallowing down my feelings and putting head firmly in sand, tring to believe he's changed/it will get better/he's being nice again...

Then goes pear shaped... Am an idiot, hoped for years, now it's fading. Don't want to be a shadow....

Trying to catch up on more sleep now.... Still dreading the next step... Please don't stop posting and give up on me, even though I feel like giving up on myself. It is ramming it home to me, hoping that this will push me the final step...

BM

Now is criticising finances and taking these over... Feel I am losing my independance more...

That's because you ARE losing your independence.
I know going to Women's Aid will make it real BUT sticking your head in the sand isn't making this go away.....it's slowly getting worse.
Please ring them, get some support and leave ASAP.

PS you are neither a coward nor an idiot xxxx

Tamsin_Temrin

DO NOT LET HIM STEAL YOUR MONEY

1. You need to follow medical advice and get away for a few days - and that is a few days when you have the phone turned off or he will manufacture a medical emergency to get you back home. It will be impossible for you to take medical advice if he has stolen your money and used it so he can give up his current employment. He shows all the signs of giving up his employment so he can make you suffer full time.

2. You need to accept that you are under sustained mental, psychological attack.

3. If you loved someone would you do what your husband does to you? Dont think so. And if he had love in him would he have done what he did you your doggie? Dont think so. And if he loved you would he have gone on about the lump at the time of your aunties death? Not a chance. Logic says he doesnt love you. Whats in it for him? Playing with your mind. Yes, there are people who do this. You have been unlucky enough to find one. This is not your fault, this is him being sick

You can still love him from a safe distance. No-one is saying stop loving him, just protect yourself. I would say that you need to consider your survival in this. Think about how to survive. Information is key. It really is that bad. And seriously, really seriously, do not let him isolate you any more.

Any chance of making 'BM looking for work' noises and popping into job centres? Telling him you are too tired to work out about money, it will have to wait until you are feeling better - fake being more tired than you are, pretend you have forgotten things (and watch the way he reacts to that). He may ease off a bit and give you a bit of breathing space - or he may get worse! Stall for all you are worth with the finances and do not lose this lifeline of posting!

Google gaslighting as well.

You are reaching breakthrough point, keep going, it is so hard but you can do it, and think of being able to walk your little doggie safely. Which will be harder for you to attain if he gets your money. btw, if you are married you are entitled to half his pension, half his savings and half the value of the house.

btw - talking to WA will reinforce that this is really that serious, really, really horror movie and headline bad, but they will not try and force you to leave or do anything against your will. They will help you move at your own place.

neneromanova

Hun, He is slowly killing you with sleep deprivation. Does that sound like he loves you? It doesn't to me.

Can sleep deprivation kill? The answer is yes! A research study using rats showed sleep can kill. The rats that were totally deprived of sleep died within two to five weeks whereas the normal lifespan of lab rats are two to three years. The sleep deprived animals develop sores , their body temperature dropped and immune system gradually failed making them susceptible to infection.
There are no reports of human death due to total sleep deprivation in scientific literature. However, records of Nazi death camp experiments during World War II indicated this is possible.
Research showed that our brain's ability to function quickly deteriorates when we are sleep deprived. Without the restorative powers of sleep, the brain works harder to counteract sleep deprivation effects, but operates less effectively. Cognitive function and memory are impaired.
The ability of the frontal cortex of the brain to control speech, access memory and solve problems is affected. This is because lack of sleep lead to impaired formation of nervous tissue and inability of the brain to renew and rewire itself properly. Sleep deprived people feel exhausted and fatigued, which affect their moods, causing depression, stress and anger. They lacked physical energy and concentration as well as have slower reaction time.
One study stated that people who sleep less than four hours per night are three times more likely to die within the next six years.
There are various ways sleep deprivation kill you… know what they are so that you can take measures to avoid a premature end.

WAYS SLEEP DEPRIVATION KILLS

1. Speeds up diseases associated with aging

Dr. Eve Van Cauter found that regular lack of sleep can hinder metabolism and hormone production in a way that is similar to the effects of aging and the early stages of diabetes. They become less sensitive to insulin and Their Glucose metabolism fell by up to forty percent. She stated, “We suspect that chronic sleep loss may not only hasten the onset but could also increase the severity of age-related ailments such as diabetes (type 2), hypertension, obesity and memory loss." There is decay or decline of body organs, bone and brain neurons etc. Therefore, they have a higher risk of dying prematurely from stroke, heart attack or kidney failure.
Our body also produces inflammatory substances when there is not enough sleep.

For example, Interleukin- 6 (IL-6), Tumor Necrosis Factor-Alpha (TNF-alpha) and C- reactive protein (CRP) are relevant to many disease processes such as cancer, hardening of the arteries, arthritis, insulin resistance and heart disease.

2. Accidents

Very sleep deprived people can go into bouts of ‘microsleep’ when they dozed off for several seconds without realizing it. each year there are thousands of road accidents due to sleepiness while driving. Last year there were several well publicized fatal accidents involving long distance express buses in the country. investigation showed that the drivers have to drive long distance non-stop (including night time driving) on fixed schedules. Survivors said that the drivers looked sleepy and in some cases were driving erratically before the accident occurred.
Do you know that tired workers are thought to be responsible for many major disasters including the giant oil spillage of the Exxon Valdez, the nuclear meltdowns of Three Mile Island and Chernobyl? Sleep deprivation not only endanger the lives of affected individuals but innocent ones as well.

A Harvard Medical School study found that when medical residents reported working five marathon shifts in a single month lasting 24 hours or more each, their risk of making a fatigue-related mistake that harmed a patient increased by 700%. the risk of making an error that resulted in a patient's death shot up by 300%.
"Working for more than 24 hours is hazardous," concluded Dr. Charles Czeisler who was involved in the project.

3. Depression, personality changes and suicide

Frequent extended sleep deprivation can have very detrimental long-term effects on the mind. A long haul trucker revealed, “Many periods of sleep deprivation lead to hallucinations; truckers call it "seeing the black dog". Once started it never goes away.”
In a well documented sleep deprivation study on a man called Peter Tripp that involved rigorous scientific testing revealed the effects of long periods without sleep on a person. Tripp stayed awake continuously for 8.4 days. Towards the end of the study, he experienced paranoia, hallucinations, and other symptoms that mimic those of psychiatric disorders. He recovered physically and The symptoms disappeared after he was allowed to sleep. However, Tripp’s family soon noticed a difference in his personality. His wife said he was moody and depressed. He fought with his boss and was eventually fired from his job. He went on to accumulate four failed marriages. Some said his prolonged sleepless stint messed him up.
The Peter Tripp study, as well as other studies on sleep suggested the relationship between depression and disruption in the circadian rhythm.

Depression can lead to thoughts of suicide. Several studies showed that depressed people have shorter life expectancies than those without any depression partly due to susceptibility to medical illnesses and suicide. Up to 60 percent of people who committed suicide have depression or another mood disorder. Another heightened risk is from cardiovascular disease. Depressed people have a 1.5 to 2 fold increased susceptibility independent of other known risk factors.

4. Weight control

Lack of sleep increases ghrelin levels, a hormone that stimulates appetite. Together with the reduction of leptin levels [see previous article] resulted in people overeating and weight gain. As you know excess weight increases the risk of atherosclerosis (clogging and hardening of arteries), hypertension, heart disease and diabetes. leptin deficiency [a consequence of not enough sleep] makes you more susceptible to infectious and inflammatory stimuli. Inflammation makes affected tissues more susceptible to damage.
For instance, damage to inner lining of the arteries can make having a heart attack more likely.

In conclusion, your body relies on sleep to function properly. Constant sleep deprivation will not kill you immediately; but when your body could not shut down during sleep to repair the wear and tear inflicted during the waking hours, eventually the damage and toxic waste will build up to a point that can incapacitate . then, you are more likely to succumb to common diseases due to lower immunity and develop chronic illnesses that can become life threatening

sassyblue

BM there's no need to dread leaving him, it can be done when he goes back to work, and when you've gone you don't have to talk to him either! Leaving him can be as easy or hard as you make it, it really can.

kate1976

Women's Aid is a huge step but please please please make that step now, the situation will only get worst believe me, he will grind you down so much (more than he has already) I know you are scared but please read back some of your posts and see what he has already made you become!

Also to repeat what others have said DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES!!

Take care and GET OUT NOW! xx

Mad-Frog

Butterflymind

Sweetheart I haven't posted before as you have been getting so much good advice from others I didn't really have anything to offer you.

Please understand that having been with someone for so long you will still have feelings no matter what .... It's how you challenge those feelings that matters. I bet every poster on here could tell you a story how they ended a relationship when they still had feelings.
You are not pathetic it is very very normal to feel that way.

Duchy advised you to see WA as most posters seem to agree your councillor is out of her depth, please listen to your GP go back and see them if you have to, stay with mum and dad you don't have to pour your heart out to them if you don't want to but I bet they would rather have you there, electricity and all than live like you are.

Never let anyone other than yourself look after your finances but then me and OH have separate bank accounts so I am slightly biased in that approach

KiKi

I've been reading this thread for weeks, but haven't said anything as I've never been in your situation. I want to be kind and to be nice, and I want to be encouraging, and I'm sure plenty of people will feel strongly about the way anyone should respond to you - but this is my opinion and I stand by it. I think your family are weak, your counsellor is wrong, and I can only see this ending one way.


If you do not leave very very soon, you will end up being tortured mentally - and very probably physically - for the rest of your life. No question. You may well end up dead.


The strongest thing you can do is leave. The weakest thing you can do is hope it will change. It won't. Ever. You don't need to do anything to restart your life except open that front door, walk out of it, close it behind you and don't stop walking.

Get out. Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

Get up, walk out. Take your bag of documents, and don't go back. Ever. You will never, ever feel better than the moment you do that, and you will never have to feel this way again. Your life will never get better until you do.

Hovel_lady

KiKi wrote: »

I've been reading this thread for weeks, but haven't said anything as I've never been in your situation. I want to be kind and to be nice, and I want to be encouraging, and I'm sure plenty of people will feel strongly about the way anyone should respond to you - but this is my opinion and I stand by it. I think your family are weak, your counsellor is wrong, and I can only see this ending one way.


If you do not leave very very soon, you will end up being tortured mentally - and very probably physically - for the rest of your life. No question. You may well end up dead.


The strongest thing you can do is leave. The weakest thing you can do is hope it will change. It won't. Ever. You don't need to do anything to restart your life except open that front door, walk out of it, close it behind you and don't stop walking.

Get out. Get out. Get out, get out, get out.

Get up, walk out. Take your bag of documents, and don't go back. Ever. You will never, ever feel better than the moment you do that, and you will never have to feel this way again. Your life will never get better until you do.

This is what I have been wanting to say Kiki but I couldn't work out exactly how to say it.
Thanks for writing it.

BM - please get out before it's too late.

smileyt_2

Butterflymind, I've been reading your thread for the last hour or so and I am horrified, utterly, utterly horrified at your situation.

Please, please, please, get out now. Please. I am almost in tears as I write this. I am pm-ing you the website for Leicestershire Women's Aid. Please, please contact them. Will you do this, and then come on here and let us know what they said?

Absolutely everyone who has posted on this thread has said the same kind of things. We can't all be wrong, can we? No. We are right to say to you, "GET OUT NOW!"

Go, girl. YOU CAN DO IT!