Is this abuse?

MunniMuncha

Hi BM, I have been reading your thread and what I would ask myself is:

What scares me most? Being on my own or living with this for the next however many years? I know what my answer would be, but if you ask yourself the same question and see what your answer is, then maybe it'll help you come to a decision.

I wish you well and hope you make the right choice

Butterflymind

Hello all

Thank you everyone for your comments/advice...

I know it all sounds bad, still v. unsure that anything happened? OH adamant that it didn't, and doubt myself/judgement....

Feel v torn, mixture of scared, sadness, head in sand, trying to not think about it, is being the silent treatment, guilt pressure, v. tired at the moment.

Can't think clearly. Still arguing with myself head v heart....

BM

Gigervamp

BM, are you going to do what your GP suggested and get away for a few days?

Think back to when you stood up for your little dog. How strong you were then. You're going downhill very fast now. You MUST get away, even if you tell yourself (and him) that it's only for a few days.

You need sleep and you need to be able to think clearly. I'm VERY worried about you and if I lived near you, I would be round like a shot to take you away.

Please, please, PLEASE, go and stay with your parents or another relative for a few days. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

Bitsy_Beans

Have a Hug BM xxx
I am not suprised you are doubting yourself, after all I assume you are well used to being the one making the mistakes, getting things wrong in day to day living. Your OH is arguing this is just another one of those times and like a bad habit you feel yourself agreeing with him.....because that's what you do.

Thing is you were convinced enough to ask him in the first place. We can generally tell the difference between dreams and reality. I think the fact that you are scared is quite telling, trust that instinct

Tamsin_Temrin

He is making sure you cant sleep properly - lack of sleep. Now you will be stressed about sleeping in case he comes in, so you get even less sleep. And with lack of sleep you cant make informed judgements or have the energy to do something about a really bad situation.

If he did this to a prisoner of war he would face a long prison sentence. Just sayin.

I could do a really good rant about how to do this and what you should do for that and why you ought to do something - but you are already getting so much grief.

I think you should take the doctors advice and go away for a week. He is a doctor, hes been to college, hes got letters after his name and done all sorts of study. He knows what he is talking about. If your husband was told by a doctor to take tablets he would take them. If your husband was told to go away for a few days then he would go. So follow qualified medical advice, get away for a week and see how you feel. Then remember how you feel now. Because if you stay with your husband it will get worse. It is already getting worse.

Remember how good you felt walking your little dog. Now think how you feel now.

Can I also suggest something radical? You could leave for now and then see if you could get back together later. You could take a month staying away in a house share or as a lodger, just seeing how you go. If you ration your contact with him, so he doesnt keep taking up all your thoughts (and definitely no contact during the hours of darkness), then you can also get a clear idea of what is and is not right. Then you could perhaps do 'dating' and see how it goes.

Or can you not imagine just going on a date with that pr@t? If not, where is that love?

Attempt at humour - he drains you, sleeps during the day, is active during the hours of darkness - have you married a vampire? Next time he is guilt tripping you try visualising him in plastic fangs.

Really really worried about you - this is so not normal that if it was a film it would be a Stephen King script.

duchy

Have you thought about contacting WomensAid and asking to speak to a careworker with a view to perhaps speaking to one of their councellors ?

I think your current one may not be experienced in this kind of abuse but is better with depression . I also think you may find WomensAid to be more unshockable so you may find it easier to give them the full picture. They will work *with* you and will support you whether you are choosing to stay or leave at this point-but they will give you options and proper support.

Please give them a call.

Tamsin_Temrin

BM - important - any attempt that f***face makes to stop you taking medical advice or getting outside input is incredibly dangerous. Dont let him make you stop seeing your GP! Or your rubbish counsellor! This is a heads up because I genuinely think that will be the next step. Because lack of sleep leads to breakdowns and if you do not get the right support then it can significantly shorten your lifespan, this is not an exaggeration. People with long term depression do not live as long as people without it and you are being put in a position where a normal and reasonable reaction would be to go insane.

And just sayin, not many people on here suggesting that you work it out, thats a bit of a hint.

HeatherintheHills

Feel horribly sad that its so bad he feels he has to do that?

Why do you say that Butterflymind? Why are you feeling sad about it? Are you blaming yourself because he came into your room and touched you? Why?

Mojisola

Gigervamp wrote: »

Please, please, PLEASE, go and stay with your parents or another relative for a few days. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

I don't know how many times you have to hear this before you will act on it.

The longer this goes on, the less capable you are going to be to make any decisions about your well-being. That is his intention!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/conditions/sleepdeprivation.shtml
Few people actually like feeling tired, and that sense of fatigue can make you grumpy, irritable and unable to function properly. Chronic tiredness can increase vulnerability to depression and accentuate other mood problems such as anxiety.

Sleep deprivation can also affect your performance by reducing cognitive ability - your ability to think and use your brain. Combined with drowsiness, this can greatly increase the risk of accidents because you're less able or quick at thinking your way fast out of a dangerous problem.

Along with the delays and errors in doing mental tasks, there's a slowing down of mental arithmetic and logical reasoning. Memory is affected by sleep deprivation, with reduced immediate recall, although information acquired before sleep deprivation is normal.

Melonade

Butterflymind wrote: »

Hello all

Thank you everyone for your comments/advice...

I know it all sounds bad, still v. unsure that anything happened? OH adamant that it didn't, and doubt myself/judgement....

Feel v torn, mixture of scared, sadness, head in sand, trying to not think about it, is being the silent treatment, guilt pressure, v. tired at the moment.

Can't think clearly. Still arguing with myself head v heart....

BM

Unsure, doubt, sadness, guilt... and the rest of it. If you carry on like this how are you ever going to make a break. I'm not blaming you but seriously until you understand what he is doing to you mentally this is never going to end!!

Wether he came into your bedroom or not is neither here nor there. The point is that over the years he has made you doubt yourself by telling you that you have or haven't done things so you don't know wether you're coming or going.

You can't think clearly... well done to him, he's got you right were he wants you!! You need to speak to your GP, councellor, parents because until you have proper support I doubt you'll ever be able think straight and make the choices you need to make.