Is this abuse?

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

Counsellor saying to wait to leave when I am stronger.

Your counsellor should be supporting you not making you feel like you aren't ready.

She doesn't know better than you BM, you are stronger than you think, honestly.

thorsoak

Butterflymind wrote: »

Hello all

Just quick update:

Still have documents here, hidden.

Confided now in parents, GP & counsellor. Parents aren't letting on to OH but visit/phone more regularly.

Counsellor saying to wait to leave when I am stronger. Struggling with doing chores, etc. as OH constantly fretting about his recovery from op. Only got 2 hours sleep the other night, v. tired at the moment, struggling to even think about leaving.

Want to look at alternative accomodation - but, have to be quick, and have alternate tab to click on....

A v. tired BM

Personally, I think that you will become stronger once you HAVE left him. Could you move back in with your parents for a few weeks before moving on? That would help you regain your strength - at the moment, he is sapping all your energies.

LittleMoog

Hi BFM,
I've been reading for a while but not posted yet as I don't have any experience of your situation. Wishing you all the best though.

A thought occured to me while reading your last post - now that your parents know the situation, could you not stay with them while sorting out new accommodation for you and your dog? This would help you get out quickly, and get your redundancy money secured in a sole account, to help you get set up in a new home.

LittleMoog

thorsoak wrote: »

Personally, I think that you will become stronger once you HAVE left him. Could you move back in with your parents for a few weeks before moving on? That would help you regain your strength - at the moment, he is sapping all your energies.

great minds :rotfl:

sassyblue

Moving back with your parents is an excellent idea! even just staying there for a couple of weeks and then see how you feel??

Gigervamp

I agree. I'm surprised they haven't offered. If my daughter told me that her relationship was like yours, I'd tell her to get her bags packed and come and stay with us, even though it would mean that she'd have to sleep on the sofabed in the living room.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thanks for advice - earlier post on parents; my dad probably would not like to be involved, a bit near the knuckle for him? Don't know, could try...

We already sleep separate - because of his lack of sleep, he still wakes me with all noise of doors, running baths, etc. I get under quilt for warmth..., and did fight for a reading lamp..., so I guess its not that bad?

Know I am far from perfect, not a good housewife, OH don't think I am capable of shopping right without him there... Have made mistakes, buy things we have, food going off, etc.

Feel I am just being a terrible person for complaining as he is being so nice....

BM

ticktack_2

Butterflymind wrote: »

I am finding it hard to accept, tbh, because we did separate over 10 years ago (he was possessively jealous, interrogated me every day, rang me to check when I finished work, etc.) and we went to Relate so I thought he had changed. I don't want to think that he hasn't. I do care about him - but I got to the end of my tether & suicidal when he decided the best time to tell me he had alump in his groin was the day my beloved aunt died of cancer (turned out to be a hernia). I had the horrible suspicion that he couldn't bear me paying attention even to a ill/dying relative....

Yet feel I am a horrible person for thinking this....

Confused...

That sounds like classic depressive thinking.

It may be, that if you weren't depressed, you wouldn't suspect him of having an unworthy motive in telling you of his health worries. Regardless of what the diagnosis turned out to be, anyone would be worried about a lump in the groin. It's natural to tell a partner, seeking comfort and reassurance. But that's the thing about depression, as others have said, everything appears in the worst possible light, and then you feel guilty for having those thoughts. That's exactly how it was for me when I was depressed.

Could you and your partner go back to Relate? It sounds as if they helped in your previous experience.

Taadaa

Gigervamp wrote: »

I agree. I'm surprised they haven't offered. If my daughter told me that her relationship was like yours, I'd tell her to get her bags packed and come and stay with us, even though it would mean that she'd have to sleep on the sofabed in the living room.

That is what I ended up doing, it was cramped but we managed for about 18 months til I had a deposit for a mortgage.

thorsoak

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thanks for advice - earlier post on parents; my dad probably would not like to be involved, a bit near the knuckle for him? Don't know, could try...

We already sleep separate - because of his lack of sleep, he still wakes me with all noise of doors, running baths, etc. I get under quilt for warmth..., and did fight for a reading lamp..., so I guess its not that bad?

Know I am far from perfect, not a good housewife, OH don't think I am capable of shopping right without him there... Have made mistakes, buy things we have, food going off, etc.

Feel I am just being a terrible person for complaining as he is being so nice....

He's being so nice?????? Being nice - in turning off the lighting circuit? By insisting that you don't try and catch up on sleep lost through him waking you through the night with his nocturnal ramblings? By underming your confidence in yourself? That's not being nice - that's chipping away at you YOU!!!

You can shop capably - but let's face it, when someone expects us to make mistakes, we live up to expectations!! If you were left to it yourself, to make your own lists, to buy what YOU want, when you want - you wouldn't be making mistakes - its only because he has got you on such a twitch that mistakes occur ....and let's face it, buying something that you already have got is hardly a hanging offence - all you have to do is take it back to the shop and exchange it.

Ok - so the idea of you moving back with parents wouldn't work - but what about aunt with doglet - could that be a possibility???