Is this abuse?

Triker

Butterfly, hope you find the strength to move away from this torture.

Life can be filled with laughter and respectful love, you just need to make some room for it, that's by getting rid of the abuser.

Proud2bWelsh

Please please contact your nearest Domestic Abuse charity, women's aid have years of experience, they will not judge you or try to make you leave but they will support you, listen to you and hopefully give you the strength to realise that this behaviour is not acceptable. A couple of people have mentioned the Freedom Programme a 10 week course run by Domestic Abuse charities such as Women's Aid, I cannot recommend this programme enough, your OH sounds very controlling and the risk can increase if he thinks you are going to leave, please seek some support from women's aid you don't even have to give your name, hope you post soon, good luck

Coco114

Dearest BM ... Firstly, I hope you are safe and ok ? Well, as ok as can be. I sat until 12 last night reading this and it was the first thing I thought about this morning.
I wasn't going to post as , to be honest, to a slightly lesser extent , this sounds all to familiar.
One thing that's been said many , many times by much wiser people than I is - he will NEVER , EVER change. I speak from experience.
I told nobody about how I felt , carried it for months (subconsciously probable years) I couldn't admit it to myself or contemplate blowing my family apart.
One day I looked up and said "this isn't right any more, I can't live this for the rest of my life" - what I thought would happen is lots of crying , talking and working it out. What followed was 8 months of mental torture. He tried every trick in the book , bullying , illness , endless trips to hospital for tests , attempted s (I still can't say the word ) screaming obsenities at me in front of my own children - the list was endless. One horrible night, he pushed me over the edge , I wanted to end it all , and if I didn't have my kids I would have done. For me, that was it, something snapped and I never looked back.
It took my 3 months but I got there. I pulled myself together & got on with my life and didn't take his **it any more. Eventually he left.
Now its not easy but , my life is mine now. I don't explain myself to him - it's not his business .... And he hates it - because the control is gone and he knows it. The only thing he needs to know is that his kids are well looked after and loved - they are here when he wants to see them.
There is so much more I could tell you but , tbh, it's too painful & raw still but, you owe this to yourself. You sound like a wonderful person - you only get one life you owe it to yourself to be happy. My ex used to tell me you lose your right to your own happiness the day you have kids - wrong on so many levels.
Anyway , you have been so strong all the way through - once the words are out you will start to feel better. Stay strong - he will try every trick in the book , tears , anger , threats , he can't live without you etc but .... He will NEVER change.
Sorry to ramble but my heart went out to you when I read this. I am happier now than I have been for years, I have no money & scrape through every month but I have mental peace - it's amazing !
Much love & stay strong - your new life is just around the corner
Sorry for intruding on this thread
X

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you DGM, please let us know how you are.

Don't apologise CoCo - it helps me to know others have gone through this... May have to log out quick, so just to say thank you everyone as thanks button not working...

OH was in a nice hot bath snoring when he turned off heat and light - so he wasn't cold!

Just venting on here is making me realise his behaviour is odd at the very least... Feel like I am just moaning, and don't have the will power to leave...

OH ranting about a family member (his) who visited simply because he wasn't respectful to him - his nephew is young n cocky, as they are... Had to listen and agree, also he again said that he bets he will be sacked because of economy (not the fact he's had so much time sick over the years that they are fed up?)

And again with his headaches... Everything I suggest he's either done it or it isn't working. He was thrilled when mum visited and lavished attention on him, I think she gets it that he wants to be centre of attention, before she can talk to me and ask how I am. Still on anti depressants/counselling... Can I call this happiness? Guess it's status quo as he isnt ranting as much now he's off work.... Gives me a rest from the stress he piles on me...

Tired as done shopping, took him to GP, did chores, little sleep last night as he can't sleep, he got up in early hours to shower as it helps him. He sleeps in day to recover, but, doesn't think I should as "You won't sleep at night'. Like I do anyway because hes always up and down at night. V. tired now...

BM

Tamsin_Temrin

Deprivation of sleep - method of torture that leaves no external marks. Try sleeping on the sofa 'so that you don't disturb him as he is having so much trouble with sleep.'

How you are feeling is not happy, just that this level of complete misery is normal. You are feeling normal. It is normal for you to feel desperately unhappy. btw - it would be a normal human reaction to go completely insane at this treatment. I would.

Imagine twenty years of this - but it will be worse when he doesn't work, and if he is at home watching you all the time you will be lucky if you get a chance to work again as well. How do you think he would be if he was at home all the time, and you needed to go out for a pint of milk? What if you got held up, how would he be?

Hes probably a bit stressy because you wouldn't let him bully the dog. But he got rid of a source of comfort and strength to you, so that's okay. You no longer have the dog. Point to him.

Just for a reality check - how he is treating you would make headlines in the Daily Mail. You could sell your story to Chat for a fortune and have to water it down. It is seriously not normal. Keep posting, keep reading, fingers crossed for you.

Tamsin_Temrin

btw - lack of sleep makes it harder for you to think, and easier for him to control. It may be accidental or it may be deliberate, but you being sleep deprived puts him at a huge advantage.

moneysavermum_2

you must keep your own health as priority.................you need to start thinking about you...what does he actually bring to the party???

duchy

Please tell us you have moved your redundancy money into a sole account (You can always tell him some rubbish like you found a better interest rate and didn't want to bother him about it as he's "so poorly" when he notices you've moved it.

Have you looked on line to see what a tiny house with a garden or a pet friendly flat would cost to rent..... just to see what options you'd have. Have you looked at jobs ......just to see what is out there-and you can always tell him you are just looking ahead in case he is never well enough to go back to work.

I think contacting Women's Aid about the Freedom course -and having a chat with them about things in general (or just tell who you see to read this thread if it's difficult) would be another small step.

I think you need these small steps at the moment either to prepare yourself if it all kicks off again -or to know you have these resources at your fingertips if you decide to take a slower route.

Please let us know your Mum has all your documents now and that carrier bag isn't still hidden in the wardrobe-as there is always the risk he will find them and when you do go to get them-they will be gone -and he of course will deny all knowledge.

daska

control over sleep, light, heat, food, personal hygiene etc, these are all techniques used not just by torturers but also by cults. These techniques are known to make people vulnerable and susceptible to suggestion. At which point you can convince them that their memory is unreliable, their judgement is flawed, that black is white. And ultimately that they are happy being treated like ****.

tamsin temrin's suggestion to volunteer to sleep on the sofa is like mine, it's using the ammunition he gives you to protect yourself. He will try to argue against it but if you aren't ready to leave you need to play the game until you are - because that's what it is to him, a game, only it's his game and so far his fun has been entirely at your expense, he gets a kick out of controlling you. You've had plenty of practice, now's the time to put it to good use.

If he wants to turn off the lighting ring, put a request on freecycle for table lamps - they run off the mains ring - and a book light "look darling, I've found a brilliant solution to your light sensitivity which means I can still spend time with you.

If he wants to turn off the heating, buy some hot water bottles, dig out the blankets, get hold of an electric throw if you can - "look darling, this is wonderful isn't it, you can turn the heating off permanently now so that you're more comfortable and I can use these..."

Sleeping on the sofa is the ultimate sacrifice - "oh darling, I'm so worried about how badly you're sleeping, you really must have the bed to yourself as you'll never get well if you don't get a good night's sleep..."

give us the other problems and well find you the spin...

but really, as said above, the warning bells are really clanging for us, if he twigs that you've really got him sussed then there's a good chance you will be in danger, even if he's never raised a hand against you before.

Butterflymind

Hello all

Just quick update:

Still have documents here, hidden.

Confided now in parents, GP & counsellor. Parents aren't letting on to OH but visit/phone more regularly.

Counsellor saying to wait to leave when I am stronger. Struggling with doing chores, etc. as OH constantly fretting about his recovery from op. Only got 2 hours sleep the other night, v. tired at the moment, struggling to even think about leaving.

Want to look at alternative accomodation - but, have to be quick, and have alternate tab to click on....

A v. tired BM