Is this abuse?

Mojisola

faerie~spangles wrote: »

Oh and just because I could, when my ex got to his worst. I cleaned the loo with his toothbrush every day. Bad I know but...

This kind of action is really important because it shows that although you weren't strong enough to challenge him directly, there was a part of you that wasn't under his control.

Lots of little actions like this can build up someone's power and eventually enable them to take decisive action.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Deprivation of sleep - method of torture that leaves no external marks. Try sleeping on the sofa 'so that you don't disturb him as he is having so much trouble with sleep.'

How you are feeling is not happy, just that this level of complete misery is normal. You are feeling normal. It is normal for you to feel desperately unhappy. btw - it would be a normal human reaction to go completely insane at this treatment. I would.

Imagine twenty years of this - but it will be worse when he doesn't work, and if he is at home watching you all the time you will be lucky if you get a chance to work again as well. How do you think he would be if he was at home all the time, and you needed to go out for a pint of milk? What if you got held up, how would he be?

Hes probably a bit stressy because you wouldn't let him bully the dog. But he got rid of a source of comfort and strength to you, so that's okay. You no longer have the dog. Point to him.

Just for a reality check - how he is treating you would make headlines in the Daily Mail. You could sell your story to Chat for a fortune and have to water it down. It is seriously not normal. Keep posting, keep reading, fingers crossed for you.

That's silly - she's not going to be allowed out to buy milk, as that means a) she will be out unsupervised b) will have at least 50p with which to buy the milk.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thanks once again for your input....

Been to counsellor - she says I have taken a small step today (able to drive there and back on my own).

Still v tired and didn't want to go... But its for my benefit.

Can sum it up in a sentence: I love him, but I don't like him/his behaviour.

Is being super nice, bought stuff, but, he let slip that his hernias bothered him before aunt died... He purposely waited to spring it on me when she died..., emotional blackmail at v. least.

I wanted to kill myself, but, he won't admit/acknowledge that he played any part of it... Like my feelings don't exist/aren't important, etc. At least the counsellor is hearing it.

Said my head is telling me to go, my heart is saying but I love him. Cancel each other out...

Counsellor said I have to focus on getting better, getting over losses and depression, and I will get stronger. Hard to believe I can when so tired.....

BM

Tamsin_Temrin

Thank f you're okay!

Not medically trained, never trained as a counsellor, never had any sort of clue about it - BUT I would bet my rent that you will feel better as soon as you are free of the vampire you are with. You wont get any energy to leave with no sleep, and you will find it harder and harder and harder to push yourself to do things like drive to places after years of lack of sleep and constant wearing down from f face. Imagine that - years and years and years of this.

Can you, under any circumstances, in any way, lie/cheat/blackmail so that you have two nights away from him? Does the really really nice lady who has your doggie need someone with her after a cataract op and her helper has had to cancel? You dont need to actually go to her, just use her as an excuse to get two days away where you have sleep and you are not with him. If you do manage it - turn the phone off! Do not let him in to those two days! Or he will drain you long distance.

Anyone else think of good lies to get Butterfly away for two days? A week would be better, it can take that long to make up sleep.

btw - sorry for shouting, but DELIBERATE DEPRIVATION OF SLEEP IS TORTURE! IT IS PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE! IT MAKES YOU EASIER TO MANIPULATE AND EASIER FOR HIM TO GRIND YOU DOWN AND TAKE YOUR MONEY

I have been worried about you. Really, really worried. Stephen King would think your set up freaky.

As for loving him - I seriously don't want to denigrate your feelings, as you have a professional doing that to you already, but the love you feel may have started out as the real deal, genuine, warm emotion that is something wonderful, but what is now left is probably not what you started with. I suggest you google Stockholm syndrome.

Sorry if I have been a bit harsh - I have been really worried. Does your therapist know he turns lights/heat off? Suggest you change therapist

Womensaid would consider you a deserving place and you would be allowed into a refuge - honestly, it is that bad, you could go to a womens refuge and you would be taken very seriously.

Whatever you decide to do, take care!

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thanks once again for your input....

Been to counsellor - she says I have taken a small step today (able to drive there and back on my own).

Still v tired and didn't want to go... But its for my benefit.

Can sum it up in a sentence: I love him, but I don't like him/his behaviour.

Is being super nice, bought stuff, but, he let slip that his hernias bothered him before aunt died... He purposely waited to spring it on me when she died..., emotional blackmail at v. least.

I wanted to kill myself, but, he won't admit/acknowledge that he played any part of it... Like my feelings don't exist/aren't important, etc. At least the counsellor is hearing it.

Said my head is telling me to go, my heart is saying but I love him. Cancel each other out...

Counsellor said I have to focus on getting better, getting over losses and depression, and I will get stronger. Hard to believe I can when so tired.....

BM

I suggest you really read your post again and ask yourself what there is to love about him? You've just admitted you wanted to commit suicide because of his behaviour.

Btw you didn't take a small step today driving to and from your counsellor, you took a BIG step.

Dump him BM you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you've put up with this carp all this time......

Butterflymind

Hello all

Confided more to GP; she says I should take myself away from OH for at least a few days...

Thing is, not sure this has happened, I believe he came into bedroom and was touching me. He says I imagined/dreamed it. But I never dreamt the sensation of being physically touched, or dreamt sound of 2 bedroom doors closing...? Never felt scared of him and so mistrustful before... Putting things in front of bedroom door so can hear if he comes in at night now...

He keeps denying it, saying its me, my meds, paranoia/depression and how could I even think he would ever do that? Feel confused, guilty, a very bad person for even asking him...

Feel horribly sad that its so bad he feels he has to do that? Feel very low and tired, now also lying in bed listening and struggling to sleep at all....

BM

thorsoak

TAKE YOUR DOCTOR'S ADVICE!!! Have you got your redundancy money yet? If so, book yourself into a really nice little "spa" type hotel for a couple of days - have a couple of pamper days - you really do deserve it!

You don't have to go far - find the nearest one and do it! Don't tell OH what you are doing until you have got there - then just send him a text saying that you are away - on Doctor's advice for x days and will return on XX. Tell your parents so that they don't worry about you - but go for it!!!!

Melonade

I see were your doctor is coming from and it sounds like a lovely idea. My concern is what happens when you return? Is he not just going to be more controlling and suspicious of your behaviour? Trying to make sure you don't manage a few days to yourself again would be top of his list imo. Thats just the idea I get from reading your posts.

You need to confide in your parents properly and GET OUT!! Who wants to feel like someone has come into their bedroom and touched them in the middle of the night? Can you not move into your parents? I'm sire if you told them the situation they'll help you.

Your feeling guilty, confused, sad, tired, low etc... this is nothing you have done but what HE has done to you. The sooner you realise this is not acceptable the better. Stop feeling responsible or like you have some kind of duty to him. One minute things are good then they are truly bizare...

What advice would you give a friend in your position? I'm pretty sure you'd give them the advice others have given you... GET OUT NOW

Someone sent me this quote the other day (not sure who it's from but I like it)

"A year from now you will wish you had started today"

Making a new start is going to be hard for you. But it will be harder the longer you leave it.

sassyblue

Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse they do.....

BM, this is sexual assault on top of everything else, you really need to leave.

I cannot stress this strongly enough.

IMO next it will be physical assult.

Caroline_a

Can sum it up in a sentence: I love him, but I don't like him/his behaviour.

I don't think you do. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but what I think you are feeling is fear of the unknown - you are thinking that love = don't want to be without him. It can but, but not if you don't like him. Remember how you felt when you had your dog, and how he treated the dog - you stood up to him because it was unacceptable. Now what he is doing to you in an on-going situation is unacceptable... but you are letting him.

When you get your redundancy... run out of there. Don't look back. Your OH is not behaving within the normal bounds of human behaviour, you just cannot see it.