Is this abuse?

Gigervamp

Everybody gets food going off or buys duplicates of things sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're a bad housewife and you ARE NOT a terrible person!

And you shouldn't have to "fight" for a reading lamp. For goodness sake! It IS that bad.

I was in your shoes once. I put up with it because, "Well, he only slaps me, it's not like he beats me up like some other poor women suffer". But then I realised that even slapping was wrong, as well as his other forms of control, like phoning me several times a day to check up on me etc.

I got out and am now married to a wonderful man who, after 13 years together, I still love being with. I don't have that walking on eggshells feeling, or the dread when I hear the key in the door. This is what a relationship should be like and it's wonderful.

You can have that too, but not with the man you are with now.

And your father, he should be sticking up for his daughter.

Tamsin_Temrin

Butterflymind wrote: »

Know I am far from perfect, not a good housewife, OH don't think I am capable of shopping right without him there... Have made mistakes, buy things we have, food going off, etc.

This is being normal. This is what normal people do. Normal people forget things and remember things and stuff goes off. I literally and honestly do not know a single person who does not do this here and there - even those not under constant mental torture and with full rations of sleep! Not making these sort of hiccups (not even mistakes) is not normal iyswim. And he only gets to criticise housework if he does it.

I dont have a right to tell you what to do (btw, neither does he) but I hope if I keep putting in stuff then you will get a different point of view.

Re sleep - now sounds deliberate and nasty, to stop you sleeping. Can you get ear plugs without telling him?

My view, fwiw, is that he isn't actually being nice to you. He is keeping you awake, monitoring your movements and making plans to give up work so he can make keeping you in your place a full time career. He is just being less nasty.

You may not be ready for this, but you could just walk out of that house with a carrier bag of clothes and your documents, stay in a b&b until you get a room in a house as a lodger and then start rebuilding from there. There is nothing at all stopping you from being that drastic. Please, please, please get your docs safe before f***face finds them.

It is up to you (not him) what happens to your life. As a contingency, try getting a PO Box, and stuff can be sent there, your mum may be able to access it for you.

Going to shout here - but its important. DONT LET HIM SPEND YOUR REDUNDANCY! Try getting a job as well, it could be a real life line, and a chance to see what sanity is. Good luck.

RacyRed

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thanks for advice - earlier post on parents; my dad probably would not like to be involved, a bit near the knuckle for him? Don't know, could try...

We already sleep separate - because of his lack of sleep, he still wakes me with all noise of doors, running baths, etc. I get under quilt for warmth..., and did fight for a reading lamp..., so I guess its not that bad?

Know I am far from perfect, not a good housewife, OH don't think I am capable of shopping right without him there... Have made mistakes, buy things we have, food going off, etc.

Feel I am just being a terrible person for complaining as he is being so nice....

BM

He is NOT being nice, he is being manipulative, there is a massive difference.

What OH thinks about your shopping skills should be taken with a huge pinch of salt.

If he is still waking you when you are sleeping separately then it very much sounds as if he is doing it on purpose.

Please take yourself out of that situation for a while, even just a few days. You will be amazed at how much clearer things are if you step away a little bit.

RacyRed

ticktack wrote: »

That sounds like classic depressive thinking.

It may be, that if you weren't depressed, you wouldn't suspect him of having an unworthy motive in telling you of his health worries. Regardless of what the diagnosis turned out to be, anyone would be worried about a lump in the groin. It's natural to tell a partner, seeking comfort and reassurance. But that's the thing about depression, as others have said, everything appears in the worst possible light, and then you feel guilty for having those thoughts. That's exactly how it was for me when I was depressed.

Could you and your partner go back to Relate? It sounds as if they helped in your previous experience.

Only a very, very inconsiderate and selfish person would mention an as yet unchecked lump to someone on the very day they have lost a relative to cancer. Any caring person would quietly go and get it checked first so as not to add to the worries of the bereaved person.

Sorry, but I disagree completely with you. Yes the OP is depressed, who wouldn't be? Depression is not causing her to misinterpret though, what possible "good" motive can there be for denying a loved one light, heat and comfort during this horrible spell of rainy, cold weather when you have ensured comfort for yourself?

Bitsy_Beans

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thanks for advice - earlier post on parents; my dad probably would not like to be involved, a bit near the knuckle for him? Don't know, could try...

We already sleep separate - because of his lack of sleep, he still wakes me with all noise of doors, running baths, etc. I get under quilt for warmth..., and did fight for a reading lamp..., so I guess its not that bad?

Know I am far from perfect, not a good housewife, OH don't think I am capable of shopping right without him there... Have made mistakes, buy things we have, food going off, etc.

Feel I am just being a terrible person for complaining as he is being so nice....

BM

Actually it is. To have to fight for a reading light? So he may well have stopped with the nasty comments but can you see that he's chipping away at you in a different way. The very fact that he's making a racket at night so you can't sleep and then telling you that catching up on sleep isn't a good idea.....how come he allows it? Wouldn't that "theory" apply to him too, after all he's not sleeping either........

He isn't being nice. This is not living its existing. Which is just where he wants you.

You're not a good housewife? What exactly do you think a good housewife does? Does she never forget appointments and gets times and dates wrong? Does she never accidentally buy goods that she already has? does she never have food going off in the fridge? Does she pander to her husbands every whim which includes having to sit in the dark? You had better budge up on the bad housewife bench and make room for me as apart from the sitting in the dark I've done ALL of the above. As has my husband. Do you think I should belittle him for it and vice versa?

What concerns me is because things aren't as bad as they have been you are talking like they are better which isn't the same thing. He is planning his moves, getting you right where he wants you and the more you believe because he's being less awful the better for him.

Leave. As soon as you can. I don't agree with the counsellor, I have a friend who says she's biding her time with her controlling husband, whilst saying she needs to get into a better head space. She will be waiting forever at this rate as because of his behaviour she will NEVER get stronger. He saps it out of her every time

Mojisola

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

Leave. As soon as you can. I don't agree with the counsellor, I have a friend who says she's biding her time with her controlling husband, whilst saying she needs to get into a better head space. She will be waiting forever at this rate as because of his behaviour she will NEVER get stronger. He saps it out of her every time

Please listen to this advice or you will be still be living like this for years to come.

Your idea of what's "normal" and "nice" has been distorted after listening to this man for too long.

LouLou

My mum stayed with an ogre of a man for 35 years of her life and now she's free of him (after he tried to strangle her and my brother fought him off) she wishes she could have those years back.

Not to mention the emotional wounds and stress it caused her children. His moods got so bad she ended up living with her next-door neighbour (in between doing the housework and cooking for him during the day! She was too scared to leave him to his own devices, so reluctantly kept things "normal" for him).

Please, please don't be another woman who looks back on the best years of her life with regret. Don't stifle your potential in order to make another happy. He's an emotional leech and these types never change.

faerie~spangles

I see the pathetic little man is now adding sleep deprivation into the mix. This is quite serious, it won't leave marks but it will have a very serious effect on your ability to cope with even the simplest of tasks.

Seriously Bm if I or anyone else were to post what he is doing to you, what would you advise?


Oh and just because I could, when my ex got to his worst. I cleaned the loo with his toothbrush every day. Bad I know but...

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for all your advice/comments.

I know it sounds mad to you living as I do. I guess I am used to it, don't expect much. This lack of sleep business is the worst, it's been on-going off and on for years.

Feel like a zombie sometimes. But still can't get into a routine as it changes all the time...

I don't understand myself, putting up with this, guess it's become kind of a normal pattern?

Got mixed up about what counsellor said, she meant, don't confront/talk to him about behaviour until you are stronger. Not even got as far as talking about leaving...

Parents are being more helpful and there for me, Dad is mellow to how he was, and Mum is not as down-trodden as I believe - she is being protective...

Think I need to have a long, long talk to them to fully explain what is going on. At the moment, I think they believe he is being possessive and jealous again...?

Must get brain in gear and sort this out...

Still tired

BM

thorsoak

faerie~spangles wrote: »

i see the pathetic little man is now adding sleep deprivation into the mix. This is quite serious, it won't leave marks but it will have a very serious effect on your ability to cope with even the simplest of tasks.

Seriously bm if i or anyone else were to post what he is doing to you, what would you advise?


oh and just because i could, when my ex got to his worst. I cleaned the loo with his toothbrush every day. Bad i know but...

:d:d:d:d:t:t