Is this abuse?

Katie1980_2

BM I have been reading your posts and following, I swear you could have been writing as though you were me. I left my OH in 2008 I should rephrase that as he was removed by 5 police officers while I was being treated in an ambulance after he beat me so badly I sustained life changing head injuries my neighbours 50yds over the road heard my screams. I finally broke my cycle in July 2009 when he tried to have me sectioned for telling him to get out of my house, my ex's way of controlling me was to transfer money into my account from his and then call the police to say I had stolen money, I now have 2 cautions so even if I could at the moment hold down a job more more than a month before having a mindblank as I call them where I forget things or have a melt down because I "thought" I saw my husband in a shop or something. I cannot get a job because they will see these cautions and not progress any further,
Please get help Ex OH used to use his illness and actually make himself ill by refusing to take his medication to control me as he knew that I would run around trying to make things better.
Anyway fast forward a long and very tough 3 years I am now in a happy stable and loving relationship with Mike who understands all my wobbles and holds my hand I have gone to college and passed a course despite me struggling through it and at times have really regretted even attempting going to college I am also guardian of my neice who is 13 months old which is tough in itself but also tough for me because of the severity of in which my brain was damaged if you want an insight read On The Edge by Richard Hammond as it is a very similar injury that we had. Thinking of you to get the courage to leave him it will be a tough road but once you get there it is amazing to feel as though you are a survivor not a victim. As others say him turning lights off is a control thing stay strong
x

moneysavermum_2

my health visitor advised me to keep a daily diary of things that were happening and like you I felt low and was depressed. After a while you start to piece together the put downs etc but youll leave in your own time and its important that you do leave when your ready because then youll welcome a life on your own.
I left my marriage 5 years ago but I as ready to leave and the relief is great ...just living your own life is wonderful. You have no children holding you back.....you just need self belief and the desire to want better.
I dont think staying with him because you feel you cant manage away from him is healthy. Youll get there you are already becoming alot more aware of whats actually going on. Do you think hes a bully?
The freedom programme is great if you can get on one. But theres abook called http://www.amazon.co.uk/Power-And-Control-Charming-Dangerous/dp/0091884322 which is brilliant also. a review:
By A Customer
This review is from: Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers (Paperback)
The beauty of this book is it dispels several myths. Domestic violence/domestic abuse is about much more than battering. People who haven't been through it often fail to understand why women stay, or what they are complaining about if they are not being hit.
Power and Control gives detailed analysis of the dynamics of woman abuse, the ways in which a women's confidence and independence are whittled away by men who alternate rage and affection. These same men are entirely credible to the wider world and no-one would suspect what goes on behind closed doors. These are also the charming men the woman fell in love with and find it difficult to leave. It is written with numerous anecdotal examples of what women have experienced, and clearly describes the effects the abuser's behaviour had on the woman and children. It also has a detailed discussion about how society creates a setting in which woman abuse can flourish, and ideas about how society and individual men can begin to change this.

As a self-help book this could help women, especially those who do not experience battering, to identify the problem more clearly and spur them into taking action. It also signposts to support services and acknowledges the difficulties in leaving the situation.

I think this book will also be helpful to anyone wanting to learn more about domestic violence, whether professionally or personally. A good one to recommend to friends or family who want to support someone who has lived with woman abuse.

Overall I found it helpful, though not all chapters felt relevant to me. Some of the material can be disturbing to read.

A worthwhile read -

My heart goes out you.....but you will get to a point when youll just say thats it enough is enough!!!

moneysavermum_2

daska wrote: »

He switches off the lighting circuit so that you have to live in the dark, it's a controlling thing, it's telling you that he is in charge, no matter how nice he's being, you have to do what he says.

Try switching it back on and see how long he stays being nice, my bet would be that after the fall out you'd struggle to convince yourself.

Personally I think your counsellor is wrong. I think you'd get stronger, faster if you got out asap.

Are you managing to get your paperwork together?

Love and Hugs.

I agree I dont believe you can keep your sanity putting up with this...it would drive any healthy person down.....and it would be completley normal to feel depressed under such circumstances ..to me you have two options 1) stand up for what you believe is right and want to happen or 2) get the hell out !!! but to put up with such treatment would drag any sane person down.You need to protect your own health.

moneysavermum_2

DarknessGetsMe wrote: »

It's little things. Like today. I fancied a starbucks. My ex would lock me in the house. My son is at the daycare centre so he can make friends I decided I wanted to go starbucks so off I went.

Infact, I got one of their coffee card things, Just because I could. I also had whipped cream on my mocha. Again, Just because I could (My waistline will hate it though!)

good for you xxx its those things that count....when i felt low the health visitor told me its important to find some positive thing in every day even if its just a hot bath, a magazine just something that you love to do or enjoy they are the things that altogether make life worth living and dgm your doing the things that you enjoy...thats what makes you you.....your identity is coming back as you are no longer living someoen elses life...your living your life...its great isnt it!!! and it will get better cos you have freedom !! you made the break...you did it....and you deserve the best now x

Tamsin_Temrin

If he resigns he will watch you every minute of the day, he will not be entitled to benefits so you will have to live off your redundancy, and neither of you will be able to afford to move somewhere else. Perfect trap.

Can you remember how good it felt to go out for a walk with your doggie? How good it felt when he was in the hospital?

Keep posting, keep getting reality checks - the turning off lights and heating is the sort of thing that is illegal for prisoners of war. Wishing you luck.

faerie~spangles

He really is a piece of work isn't he!

Turning the lights and heating off, what next?

He spills something on your computer thus isolating you further?

Resigning from his job so he he can live off of your redundancy whilst you are run ragged attending to his every whim. Are you really going to allow him to do that to you? Once that money is gone you will be in a very dark place.

Please get your paperwork together and leave.






The man doesn't love you as you deserve to be loved.

green1970

If he loved you, he wouldn't do these things and yes, these things are abusive and yes, they will get worse. Know in your heart that he does not love you and this is not love. Who wants to stay with someone who doesn't love them?

Guilt, fear and an warped sense of responsibility are stopping you from doing what you need to do to to restore your health, your well-being and your belief in yourself.

You need to see your excuses for what they are - your life will improve without this man. A couple of things may be a little bit harder but a million things more will fill you with joy when you finally leave

Please don't leave it so late that you are consumed with regrets at the time wasted - there's a great long fulfilling life waiting out there for you to live, love and enjoy if you can find that big push to go.

Good luck to you in finding the strength, it really is time to go now hun, the trap's closing.

Gigervamp

green1970 wrote: »

Good luck to you in finding the strength, it really is time to go now hun, the trap's closing.

This. ^^^^^

The heating, lighting, saying he's going to resign, all very worrying and those alarm bells are really clanging now.

DarknessGetsMe

Please do leave. You need an escape. I escaped and I am a lot happier.

Triker

Hi Darkness, I see your thread has disappeared, perhaps you could start a new one, I know a lot of people on here are keen to hear how you are progressing.