Is this abuse?

smileyt_2

Hmmm, I can't pm you. OK, so I will put the details here.

Leicestershire Women's Aid:

http://www.wa-leicester.org.uk/

For outreach services and enquiries call: (0116) 242 6440
For emergency accommodation call: (0116) 244 0169

Please, butterflymind, get yourself out of there. He is not going to change. He does not love you. Please don't let yourself become another statistic. Your doggie needs you! I am saying all this with love and concern. We on this board, who have never met you, are showing you more love and concern than him. Now it is time for you to love yourself. You can do it xxxx

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you, I am v touched you are allv supportive. Smileyt - can't get my thanks button to work, haven't posted regularly in past so may be why? Would double thank you all if I could.

Is getting through. Thanks ST - will ring LWA but OH here 24/7 n hard to get chance...

Had to argue against 'cutting back non-essentials', like insurance! etc yesterday and worn out... Woken at midnight, up at 7am so not to bad... Still putting things accidentally in front of bedroom door... OH is giving me real hurt looks, silent treatment, guilt, still feel scared though and not apologised to him... Feels undescribably sad, feel bad, am terrible person...

I do have account, I will put redundancy in it, when I get it, I will ring LWA for support, even if I struggle to leave....

Feels like hard knot in my chest, like a dam wants to burst through, but I can't. Have to hold it together...

BM

duchy

You know you could walk out of the house right now-go to your parents and ring Women's Aid. If you need an excuse-pour the milk down the sink as it's "off" and go out for more. You could do it right now !!

And you are NOT a terrible person. You are a person in pain . Your OH is doing nothing to help you with your pain -so you need to take this step -and that step will lead to other healing steps-and then when you are better you can decide what happens with your OH but until you take that first step you won't be helping yourself heal the pain.

HeatherintheHills

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

Thank you, I am v touched you are allv supportive. Smileyt - can't get my thanks button to work, haven't posted regularly in past so may be why? Would double thank you all if I could.

Is getting through. Thanks ST - will ring LWA but OH here 24/7 n hard to get chance...

Had to argue against 'cutting back non-essentials', like insurance! etc yesterday and worn out... Woken at midnight, up at 7am so not to bad... Still putting things accidentally in front of bedroom door... OH is giving me real hurt looks, silent treatment, guilt, still feel scared though and not apologised to him... Feels undescribably sad, feel bad, am terrible person...

I do have account, I will put redundancy in it, when I get it, I will ring LWA for support, even if I struggle to leave....

Feels like hard knot in my chest, like a dam wants to burst through, but I can't. Have to hold it together...

BM

If he hadn't been trying to get into your bedroom while you are asleep he wouldn't know it was blocked, would he? He does the hurt looks and silent treatment to make you feel guilty because HE has proved he cannot be trusted? Can you see that?

HE is a terrible person

You deserve much better.

The hard knot in your chest will go the moment you walk out of the door, it really will. Try it?

Tamsin_Temrin

You are not a bad person. In your posts you have shown compassion, empathy, consideration and a real loving nature. You have also shown a willingness to put others needs above your own which is something really hard for a lot of people.

Your husband trades on this.

Money - he is making a big show of how worried he is about money and how he thinks you need to cut out on 'non essentials' etc etc etc like anything that may benefit you, I bet. He is pleading poverty and trying to make sure you don't keep hold of any lump sum that could give you a life line. And then he gives up work and money is so tight and while he is at home he might as well sort it all out. So you have no access to so much as the money for a bus ticket without his say so. Stay strong on this - this is about survival. Yes, survival - it is that bad.

Health - your gp has recommended time away. What did the specimen say to that or havent you told him? I bet he follows all medical advice, except the bits to get a grip

Vile abuse - its not going to get any better. You stood up to him about the doggie, you are standing up to him about money, he doesnt like this and will do all he can to grind you down - he doesn't love you, he wants you to do what he wants. What he wants is the reaction he got when he told you about that lump of his when your auntie died. That is not love. It is going to get worse and worse until you do what he wants and show no independence of mind. And if you give in over money then there will be something else. It is not going to go away nor is he going to realise and put things right. Why should you apologise because he is abusing you?

Call me a drama llama, but I am actually worried about your physical safety.

Work out your nearest phone box, memorise the local number for womensaid and feel able to ring them. They wont force you to leave before you are ready, but they can let you know that this is bad/not bad/expected/time to call the police etc.

And you could just literally walk out. Just go out of the door with that bag of documents and just walk. If you ever have a second of courage and feel you need to - then just go. Seriously. If you have made a mistake you can build bridges from a safe distance. Or never, ever speak to him again except through a solicitor for the divorce. And it will be your choice.

Your husband thought it was okay to hurt a defenceless animal in order to keep you in your place. I think that there is a risk he would do the same to you - please be very careful. Do not give him warnings. Do not give him forwarding addresses.

Long post - lots of worry for the lovely lady that you are.

Melonade

duchy wrote: »

You know you could walk out of the house right now-go to your parents and ring Women's Aid. If you need an excuse-pour the milk down the sink as it's "off" and go out for more. You could do it right now !!

And you are NOT a terrible person. You are a person in pain . Your OH is doing nothing to help you with your pain -so you need to take this step -and that step will lead to other healing steps-and then when you are better you can decide what happens with your OH but until you take that first step you won't be helping yourself heal the pain.

Brilliant!!! Seriously what is stopping you doing this BM??? I doubt you've got a good enough excuse not to do it. Walk out the door, go to your parents and get your life back on track once and for all. Many people have walked for less than you've had to put up with!!

You aren't happy right now, how do you know this won't help you? Why are you still there? Your feelings for him and not his feelings for you!!

Walk out, get your life back and get your little dog back.

Triker

Butterflymind....you're nearly there, can't you see....look how far you have come sweetie.:wave:

You post on here.

You're curious about a future without abuse.

You love and protect the dog.

You stashed your paperwork, ready for that moment.

You continously reach out and absorb the support offered here.

You've told your parents.

You've made a decision about your finances.

Just think, when you leave, you can sleep,really deeply for as long as you need....just think about what that will feel like for you....and to plan your future with your dog at your side.

thehappybutterfly

Butterflymind,

Do you realise it's been 39 days since you first posted on here? 39 days. That's almost 7 weeks and you're still there. What exactly is it you're waiting on? How bad do things have to get before you make the decision to do what every single poster on here has suggested and walk out the door? I understand that you're exhausted and confused but believe me, the minute you leave, you'll feel better. One night's uninterrupted sleep, one night without worry and you'll wake up a new woman and wonder why the hell you took so long to take control of your life. You're slowly relinquishing control of everything in your life to this horrible, horrible person.

Get out now. If you don't want to stay at your parents, stay at a cheap hotel/B&B/Women's Refuge.

Stop waiting for things to get better. They're not going to. Your man is first class creep. And sinister. And a bully. And sneaky. Not good husband material at all. He's making my skin crawl just thinking about some of the things you're written.

Please, please listen to what we're saying to you. Just to back track and answer your very first question - yes, it's abuse. In every way except violence it would seem and I don't think that's very far away........

hbloomers

BM

I'm not a regular poster on here, but your story has really got to me.

Maybe I'm speaking from a naive perspective (I'm only 22), but love should be comforting. You should want to see your partner (I put that in bold because this does not sound like a partnership, your loving nature is being taken advantage off), you should be able to speak to them, not worry about being manipulated, you should be able to laugh together, trust each other and be happy.

I think someone else posted about two different types of love... basically, I think love should make you feel contented, strong and like you can do anything. Not small, isolated and downtrodden. You are worth so much more than how that jerk (because he isn't a man... men are respectful) treats you.

I echo what everyone else has said... get out. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. And NOW. I haven't been through what you're going through, there's no way I can understand how you're feeling or how difficult things have been, but it won't get better. We're creatures of habit, us humans. He won't change. He got used to being able to walk all over you, and now that you've started standing up to him, he doesn't like. He'll redouble his efforts to get your back under his control, consciously or subconsciously.

If he did touch you... that's sexual assault. Its something else he'll use to control and manipulate you, try to make you ashamed and frightened. Afterall, what kind of wife doesn't like being touched by her loving husband? (Massive sarcasm sign btw!)

I'm a teacher, and if a child came in and told me what you've said in this thread, I'd have contacted social services.

Thinking of you x

GT60

http://www.onespace.org.uk/home