BIL put us in very awkward situation with birthday meal!

adouglasmhor

jackieb wrote: »

I'm holding a surprise birthday dinner next month for my husband at our favorite restaurant. I invited three other couples — am I expected to foot the entire bill, or is it OK to ask everyone to split it?

AnswerThe Etiquette Verdict: When you're the host, you pay the bill. Since you've already invited the others to the birthday party, expect to pick up the tab for this.

Read more: Who Pays for Dinner Etiquette - Peggy Post Etiquette - Good Housekeeping

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If we are going to start referring to the rules of etiquette; I feel obliged to point out all men will be in black tie or equivalent or lounge suit for an informal dinner and ladies will be wearing cocktail or evening dresses. Or we could just accept that times have changed.

Person_one

adouglasmhor wrote: »

If we are going to start referring to the rules of etiquette; I feel obliged to point out all men will be in black tie or equivalent or lounge suit for an informal dinner and ladies will be wearing cocktail or evening dresses. Or we could just accept that times have changed.

You're mixing up fashion and etiquette!

Etiquette still has its place I think, the real point of it was to avoid social awkwardness of just the sort the OP found herself in!

Mojisola

If you're going to invite people to a "do" that they have to pay for, it's only good manners to let them know what the approximate cost is going to be before they have to accept or refuse.

That way you get accurate figures, you don't get people pulling out later when they realise the costs and you don't get people attending but feeling resentful about the whole event.

adouglasmhor

Person_one wrote: »

You're mixing up fashion and etiquette!

Etiquette still has its place I think, the real point of it was to avoid social awkwardness of just the sort the OP found herself in!

No I am not, but I do think some people mix up etiquette and manners. in many cases etiquette existed to make sure outsiders remained outsiders. Nor was I the one who quoted from an old fashioned etiquette site.

poet123

adouglasmhor wrote: »

No I am not, but I do think some people mix up etiquette and manners. in many cases etiquette existed to make sure outsiders remained outsiders. Nor was I the one who quoted from an old fashioned etiquette site.

As you say Etiquette includes dress codes.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules anymore, so long as everyone knows what is expected of them.

More and more people arrange a dinner at a local hotel for a landmark occasion and issue an invite to friends and colleagues and indicate that the set meal costs xxx so that it is clear everyone is paying for their own. That is very different to renting a room with a buffet and having a DJ, where you would not expect to pay. Different types of functions, different expectations.

When we go for a birthday meal as a small group of friends we just split the bill as we do when we eat out for a non special occasion. The person whose birthday it is doesn't pay for everyone.

Mojisola

Bexm wrote: »

My hubby's sister has a big birthday this week and her husband (BIL) has been arranging a surprise dinner for her for the past few months. He told us back in January.. of course we said we'd go, assuming it'd just be a bar meal or something!

Last night he emailed us over the menu that we have to choose from, the meal is on Saturday and at the bottom it said £45 each!!! (we has absolutely no prior warning of this!)

poet123 wrote: »

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules anymore, so long as everyone knows what is expected of them.

Spot on, poet. It's only fair to let people know what they're agreeing to before they have to give an answer.

LadyMorticia

If DH and I get invited out for a meal by family, then they pay and it has always been that way. We wouldn't be able to afford it ourselves, unfortunately.

victory

I have said this many times on this threads with the same topic when I was growing up in Spain their way is so straight forward and easy to follow it is a shame they do not do it here in the UK, if you go out with someone and they say 'te invito' it means I invite you, leave your purse at home, my treat, taking you out, no need for you to worry, if they say 'vienes' it means are you coming which then you do bring the purse, it will be many people, it will be you eat, you pay, you drink you pay.

Often in the middle of the table money gets left if they go on somewhere else ( the drinks prices are listed in the menu so everyone has a look and leaves the money accordingly)

Simples.

Nowadays my eldest goes out often to these meal deals say at chiquito or frankie and bennys, he googles the menu, sees the prices, sees the prices for drinks, works out what him and his gf are going to have, how much it will be, when it comes to the bill they put that money in the middle and everyone else does the same, it is prior knowledge that stops the 'let's split the bill' 'who is paying for what' malarky