BIL put us in very awkward situation with birthday meal!

Lotus-eater

If your BIL is so lovely I would have no problem telling him that we were sorry but we couldn't afford it and we don't want to borrow money from someone else to go to it.

I would never ask someone to a persons party and then ask them to pay! That is so rude.

Ginger_Poodle

Agreeing entirely with dodoot and Lotus Eater. I see it as inappropriate to host a party (particularly one for a milestone or big event) and ask the guests to pay. My only experience was of my sister's graduation party...I planned & invited, so I paid. Simple. It is one thing for a group of friends to plan to eat out together to celebrate something and split the bill, but this is a party!

Four_leaf_clover_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Won't there be bad feelings from all the people there who have been forced to pay far more than they can afford for someone else's celebration?

If my OH was the BIL and he did this to our family and friends, I would be mortified and very upset on their behalf.

Exactly this. OP will you all really enjoy the celebration, considering a number of people attending are there so as not to cause a family rift and bad feeling, and cant really afford it? Personally I wouldn't enjoy it.

There are many ways to celebrate a big birthday, without it having to cost that much. Your BIL must realise that £45 a head is a high amount to expect people to pay out for a meal. Especially when many are struggling to make ends meet. To put yourselves and your MIL in such an awkward position is inconsiderate of him in my opinion.

Dunroamin

tea_lover wrote: »

Blimey, we must really slum it round here then! My weekly food shop (for both of us) is only about £35, there's no way I could justify £90 on one meal.

But eating out wouldn't normally come out of the food budget as it's entertainment.

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me for a celebration meal, particularly if it includes wine - you can easily spend over half that on a two course pub meql and a couple of rounds of drinks.

Little_Ole_Me

Your BIL doesn't really sound all THAT lovely to me. First he puts you in this position, then he trys to get his equally skint mother to pay for you. That is real sh*1tty behavior if you ask me. Hes telling you to go begging to another family member, assuming that they can, or want to help you.

I wouldn't go OP. There is no way I would fork out £90 for a meal and resent it. Id send a card.

You can always chicken out and become 'ill'...or have car trouble, baby sitter difficulties, there are loads of ways you can get out of it at the last minute - however now you have discussed this with him, hes likely to know you are blagging. Grow a pair and just say no, hun

tenke

Nobody can oblige you to do something you don't want !!:eek:

If it doesn't feel right for you, follow your instincts

I agree with some posters that him basically morally obliging you to go and asking MIL to fork out on your behalf, is not good behaviour at all. Actually it is controlling everyone's actions from the word go..:(

I think this is the typical situation that if you go resenting it, it will follow you always. Nobody likes to have their arm twisted like this, and this will inevitably cause resentment in the future.

I would just express my awkwardness on this situation openly, if they get offended by your reaction, then it is more because they
coulndt control you till the end, and not so much because you are not going along the lines "family no matter what ":eek:

I hope whatever you decide, feels right for you in the end :T:T

OrkneyStar

!!!!!! wrote: »

£45 for 3 courses and wine sounds pretty good for a decent restaurant. (a bit OTT if it was Little Chef though)

I agree, in theory that doesn't sound that expensive in the grand scheme of things, but when you are skint the money could be much better used.....say a weeks shopping for example. It is all relative.

Dunroamin wrote: »

But eating out wouldn't normally come out of the food budget as it's entertainment.
It doesn't sound unreasonable to me for a celebration meal, particularly if it includes wine - you can easily spend over half that on a two course pub meql and a couple of rounds of drinks.

Perhaps, at the moment with finances being tight, OP doesn't really have an entertainment budget, or potentially doesn't want to spend that much of the budget on one meal ? Times are tight for a lot of folks and £45 each as a one-off would actually leave a sour taste in my mouth too. Again it is relative....£45/£200 a month entertainment budget-fine, £45/£25 a month entertainment budget, not so fine!

OP, tbh, and I am not a people pleaser it is evident, I would simply say you cannot make it. While you love your SIL, and want her to have a nice night, you simply cannot afford that amount of money, right now. Sounds like BIL is simply thinking of the nice night that SIL will have, being blinkered to the fact that others cannot spend that much just for her to have a special night. I think once you start saying 'ok we will put it on the credit card, just this once' then it is a slippery slope. Of course perhaps weddings, 50th anniversary parties etc are an exception and I would always have something 'in the pot' (saved up not cc) for that. All the best.

krlyr

OrkneyStar wrote: »

Perhaps, at the moment with finances being tight, OP doesn't really have an entertainment budget, or potentially doesn't want to spend that much of the budget on one meal ? Times are tight for a lot of folks and £45 each as a one-off would actually leave a sour taste in my mouth too. Again it is relative....£45/£200 a month entertainment budget-fine, £45/£25 a month entertainment budget, not so fine!

Exactly, it's relative. In the past, OH or I may have spent £45 each or more in one night/over the weekend. Nowadays £90 would be our entertainment budget for months, let alone one night out! £90 would buy us nearly two months of food shopping :eek: I'd be horrified to blow that on one meal each! Fortunately our family understand - my side are in similar positions, with high mortgages and outgoings so family parties usually involve a tub each of HM chilli and HM curry, lots of rice, naans, etc., we all bring our own drinks, I make desserts, and we pile around to my mum's as she has the most space to entertain a group. Low cost, we get to spend time with family which is the more important bit. Done this for my stepsister's 13th, other one's 16th, stepdad's dad's 70th, etc. - big birthdays don't have to involve spending a fortune.
On OH's side of the family, they do tend to favour going out for a meal for special events (or even just arranging a family get-together every so often) but everyone's understood when we've said we can't go because of the cost of it, we tend to go along to every other invite or so, or skip the get-togethers when we know there's a birthday coming up so we can go to that instead. When we have gone, OH's dad always tries to palm off some money to OH to cover part of our bill, or throws more in towards the bill, and if anyone orders something more expensive off the menu or a bottle of wine, they pay for it seperately, it's all pretty fair.
I don't see the point in stretching yourself so thinly that you can't even afford to pay your credit card bill that month, it's quite selfish of your BIL to not even ask for your opinion on the location/budget, and I certainly wouldn't feel obliged to attend if he didn't have the courtesy to ask you before making the reservation.

aliasojo

Dunroamin wrote: »

But eating out wouldn't normally come out of the food budget as it's entertainment.

And if there is no 'entertainment budget'?

We don't have an entertainment budget. Unfortunately.

I agree with those who say £45 isn't hugely drastic for a good meal, but it's a ridiculous amount if your budget is tight.

We couldn't do it right now either.

Rock and a hard place OP....upset family or upset your finances. We can't make that decision for you, but I hope you reach an outcome you can live with.

minimoneysaver

I wonder what Bex has decided to do?