6 year relationship - girlie advice request

mogwai

Little ole me - lots of things can depress a mans libido - depression, bad diet, stress at work, medication he's on..

But depending on how often you used to have sex, maybe this is a normal level for your OH? Not everyone has the same drive, and despite the surveys telling you people are getting it on 2-3 times a week, for some, once a month is normal. The fact that you used to initiate suggests that he may have a lower libido than you..?

However, theres nothing like talking to your OH, as only he can tell you what the situation is like for him

Maybe try shaking up your routine and seeing if it makes a difference, if it doesn't, either he is happy with the way things are, or there is a deeper problem. Either way, talk to him and find out! Good luck! xx

piglet74

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

Hi there

I know it is normal for romance to fade slightly when in a long relationship/marriage, but how much does it fade?

After six years, me and my hubby are lucky if we 'get it on':D once a month these days, and it is always me initiating it. Then again, thinking about it, it always was me initiating 99% of the time.Does this mean he has gone off me?

I know s*ex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, but without it, we might as well be living as flat mates!

I don't mean to put my husband down, he is a wonderful man, who works very long hours, so not slating him in any way, but wondered girls, is this normal? We are both pretty young and healthy people.

I remember reading somewhere, that the average british couple are at it three times a week:eek: - which really makes me feel a bit .

I could have written this!:D

Hubby and I are rarely in bed at the same time, with him working nights at times,

once a month sounds about right

but we both work hard, and there is very little we can do about it,

i just keep thinking, quality, over quantity

emmm 3 times a week :eek: wow...i would take that with a pinch of salt tho

pinkclouds

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

I know it is normal for romance to fade slightly when in a long relationship/marriage, but how much does it fade?

mogwai wrote: »

But depending on how often you used to have sex, maybe this is a normal level for your OH? Not everyone has the same drive, and despite the surveys telling you people are getting it on 2-3 times a week, for some, once a month is normal. The fact that you used to initiate suggests that he may have a lower libido than you..?

The twinkly star stuff out of the movies fades a lot - a heck of a lot - quite early on. Happy ever after (in reality) = no matter how much you irritate each other and argue and get stroppy, you still think this is the person you're content to grow old with.

Don't pay attention to the surveys. Remember the phrase "lies, [darned] lies and statistics"? There are so many different kinds of normal. How often a couple gets "busy" is up to them and it is always a compromise. Some things are more important - like companionship, loyalty, trust, good marriage/father potential, etc. And what's really important is that the love is still there. Only you and OH know if that's the case. Not movie magic love but solid "I've got your back" love. I'm not saying you should be celibate but, after 6 years, it shouldn't be the main thing binding you together.

C_Mababejive

Rule no 1 Scarcity increases the value...make yourself less available to him.

I think there are deeper problems here but thats another issue.

flutterby_lil

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

Wow, 2/3 times a week, and you have a small child..

We don't have any kids, so we don't even have kids as an excuse!

I'm starting to think there is something quite wrong here:(

I was just about to ask if you have children and is this the reason why things have changed.

Things have changed for us too, however I am 17 days off giving birth to our second child but we still manage to be intimate once a week. We have had the conversation about sex not happening as much and my OH is perfectly understanding, we talk about everything. Communication is key to your probs i think.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Something along the lines of ' I miss our cuddles at night, is there anything bothering you I can help with?'

Good idea - just say you miss the cuddles and wish things could get back to how they used to be, ask for his opinion on things, he may think that you are happy with what is going on.

Gavin83 wrote: »

Can I ask how often you used to have sex at the start of the relationship? You say you've always been the one thats initiated it, does this mean that your initiating it less these days? Why is this?

Maybe he hasn't changed and with you initiating it all the time and now you have reduced this, maybe he thinks you have gone off him so is holding back for fear of rejection?

benb76

piglet74 wrote: »

emmm 3 times a week :eek: wow...i would take that with a pinch of salt tho

3 times a week as an average doesn't surprise me at all, in fact I'd say it's quite low for a couple with no kids! I think that for any couple to have sex only once a month indicates something isn't right. And for a man to never initiate sex is very very unusual.

It may be a health or stress issue, does he get much exercise? In my experience, nothing boosts your libido more than a regular workout and healthy eating. Whatever it is the OP's man should address te issue as it is no doubt making her feel undesirable.

vixarooni

I was with my partner for 5 years and our sex life went right off, but i didn't want to have sex with him so that kinda told me something wasn't right!

I think this is probably a case of maybe life getting you both down a bit, and thats taking over. You're working a lot, saving up money and perhaps you need to inject a bit of fun and joy into your lives? Perhaps go through a small period of not saving so much, so you can do things be together and enjoy the moments. It might change things, you never know!

tea_lover

benb76 wrote: »

3 times a week as an average doesn't surprise me at all, in fact I'd say it's quite low for a couple with no kids! I think that for any couple to have sex only once a month indicates something isn't right. And for a man to never initiate sex is very very unusual.

There's no 'magic number'. Some young couples with no kids will be getting down to it twice a day, some once a month - there's no wrong or right. It's only a problem if one of both of them are not happy with it.

Claiming there must be a problem for a couple to have sex once a month is a) wrong and b) not helpful.

hazyjo

In my experience, some men just have a very low sex drive!

Had the same problem. Lovely man in a lot of ways, but no passion. Great friends, but that was all. Would be like brother and sister. Silly little pet names for each other and other things, we'd laugh at the same things and loved each other very much, we battled over sex for years. I wanted it, he didn't. It made me feel rejected - even though he said he'd have never rejected me if I'd made a move. Just not enough though, is it. Every weekend he'd get out of bed, I'd have the hump and would end up saying something later in the day. It was like he dreaded the weekends - and would make up excuse after excuse about having to do something very early that day (see his mum, shopping or whatever). I'd stay up later than him in the week.

It was always when I initiated it - he never did. We were down to once every few months, at a push (could count on one hand the amount of times we had it in one particular year!)... I found it wasn't the lack of physical gratification, it was the lack of feeling wanted, desirable, sexy, attractive. I started getting a lot of attention outside of our relationship, and I guess I felt the time was right to throw in the towel.

I walked in the end. Not nice, really hard, not what I wanted, but I had to accept nothing would ever change. I started noticing other men (and vice versa) and felt very resentful towards him. Thought I was either deeply depressed or going slowly insane (or through a mid life crisis) the way I was reacting towards him. Would stay out later than him sometimes if we'd both gone out, crawl in the next morning with no phone call after staying round a bloke's flat (platonic, but I did want more), would start ignoring him when out - honestly, just thought it was me having flipped, but looking back know it was just that I was beyond angry at him. Was very self destructive.

We had 'the talk' about it - years before, actually. Then again every few months after that. Three years passed and it had got worse, not better. Plus it wasn't even quality over quantity. That was rubbish too. Once you have 'the talk', it really can only go one of two ways after say another year.

I found !!!!!! on his computer - that's when I flipped. As a friend of mine said, 'what is he, a bloody critic?' Of course he got off on it. No major objections to !!!!!! personally, but when he was telling me he had no sex drive, would see the doctor (never happened - besides which, I don't see how they can prescribe you something to make you fancy your partner!), wanted to go for counselling (his friend's suggestion, not his - I declined) - he'd make promises and say 'noted' every time I would talk with him, or write things down for him to absorb so we could talk about it later without being 'reactive' when talking face to face.

I've been in other relationships where you're open about everything. Tell each other what you want, how to do it, talk about all sorts of things that you'd never tell another living soul, fantasies and it's just very sexual generally. You fancy the pants off each other. Can't get enough of each other, or put each other down, holding hands, kissing... I was NEVER like that with him. Never snogged, never any passion. You can't just create it, especially years into a relationship. If it's never been there, it won't suddenly appear. I think it's just about a connection between two people. Not saying either of you wouldn't be like that with other people, but I don't see it changing between the two of you - sorry! Just my experience.

I was told by a mutual friend that he'd said something about not getting over his first wife. He left her for another woman - although she, and nobody else, were ever told. I think some of it was down to that.

Another point, he had been a very heavy drinker all his life - had cut down a lot, but I think it had affected his sex drive long term. Damage done.

Good luck - keep us informed. Would be nice to hear a happy ending to this. Obviously not all relationships/experiences will be like mine and I'd like to know how he reacts (now and in say 6 months' time to see if anything has improved).

Jx

Dunroamin

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

Well, that's another thing - the affection. We always used to cuddle in bed, (weather it lead to something further or not) we always had at least a ten minute cuddle before going to sleep - it was a routine.

That could be your problem in a nutshell.