6 year relationship - girlie advice request

piglet74

londonsurrey wrote: »

His personal issues aside, have you tried enriching your repertoire? I took up belly dancing for my personal satisfaction, am still a beginner, but there are a couple of VERY simple moves that always seem to leave my paramour goggle eyed!

go you what a great hobbie

wish i had the nerve to try it:o

psychopathbabble

hazyjo wrote: »

Is there a 'reason' as such with you? Might be helpful to know if it's whether you've gone off them in that way, if it was ever there to start with, if you've never really been big on it, or if it's something else... Hope not too personal to ask, but it'd be interesting to hear it from your perspective. Oh, and has it improved/become more frequent since 'the talk/s'? I really just believe that you're like it with some people, but not with others!

Jx

My libido is just really low, and combined with being single for 4 years I think I can just go without it. It does upset the OH though as he sees it as rejection. Once I 'get going' it's great for both of us so no problems there, I just have no enthusiasm to initiate it as I honestly can't be bothered most of the time! My self-confidence isn't great at the moment, so that might also be a factor.

He does try to talk to me about it a lot, but I hate talking about it as I don't really know why I'm not that bothered about it... I guess if I went to therapy for long enough, they would find a root cause... but I don't know if there is a cause or I am just someone with a low drive.

I don't think 'once a month' means there is something wrong in the relationship, but communication is essential to ensure problems don't arise from it. Or, as in the OP's case, there needs to be an understanding so the one trying to initiate it doesn't feel rejected. (I know, I know, I could use my own advice! )

ETA: I do try to make more of an effort, so if we don't do the deed then we will find a way of sorting him out but sometimes it's still not enough for him! (he says he finds it really difficult because just kissing or hugging me or looking at me really turns him on, which i find hard to understand!)

londonsurrey

piglet74 wrote: »

go you what a great hobbie

wish i had the nerve to try it:o

It is a great hobby. It's not as daring as you think. An all female environment, very girly, ages from 8-93, and I have a very good teacher. The way she explains it is as simple as move your hip forwards, now there, now here. It's join the dots with hips! Lol.

We didn't have mirrors when learning, but when I did eventually look in a mirror when practising my simple join-the-dots, I was quite startled to see the final effect!

SameBoat

Well after reading this thread it looks like my marriage is very broken. My wife and I haven't had any fun for over 6 months, yes that includes Christmas and even after showering with gifts on Valentines day, so if you are only once a month - luck you, and once a week, enjoy it.

I always made the first move, but now the rejection is getting m eodwn I don't bother, I know the answer, it used to be I am too tired, now it is I just don't want too. TBH I have tried the talking, and siggested time away just the two of us, I think it goes as far back to a six years and child birth, but she says not. It has been getting me down, I desire more, but when I try and discuss, she point blank refuses to and comes out with things like it is normal for people to abstain, well not for over 6 months. I suggest a weekend away, was told we don't do that sort of thing. I have confronted her about being with someone else, she says no, not sure I believe her, she say no specific reason for going off it. I have desires and this weekend I came to the conclusion to look elsewhere. Before doing this I have suggested we seek external help, reletionship advice / but everything is point blank refused. I have no will to live without for the rest of my life. I expect it will end up messy, but I'm unable to exist like I am at the moment, it really is getting me down. The guy that is 2/3 times a week, you dunno how lucky you are.

System

Oh jeez i must be fortunate then. Our relationship was based on lust to start and the biggest part of it is now.

Dunroamin

Judi wrote: »

Oh jeez i must be fortunate then. Our relationship was based on lust to start and the biggest part of it is now.

Not what I would call fortunate!

benb76

SameBoat wrote: »

Well after reading this thread it looks like my marriage is very broken. My wife and I haven't had any fun for over 6 months, yes that includes Christmas and even after showering with gifts on Valentines day, so if you are only once a month - luck you, and once a week, enjoy it.

I always made the first move, but now the rejection is getting m eodwn I don't bother, I know the answer, it used to be I am too tired, now it is I just don't want too. TBH I have tried the talking, and siggested time away just the two of us, I think it goes as far back to a six years and child birth, but she says not. It has been getting me down, I desire more, but when I try and discuss, she point blank refuses to and comes out with things like it is normal for people to abstain, well not for over 6 months. I suggest a weekend away, was told we don't do that sort of thing. I have confronted her about being with someone else, she says no, not sure I believe her, she say no specific reason for going off it. I have desires and this weekend I came to the conclusion to look elsewhere. Before doing this I have suggested we seek external help, reletionship advice / but everything is point blank refused. I have no will to live without for the rest of my life. I expect it will end up messy, but I'm unable to exist like I am at the moment, it really is getting me down. The guy that is 2/3 times a week, you dunno how lucky you are.

That sounds truly awful, and I can only inagine that the constant rejection is causing you all sorts of self esteem and insecurity isues. Whatever the reasons for your wife's complete loss of sex drive, her refusal to do anything about it, or even recognise it as a problem, is incredibly selfish. Surely she must realise that even for the most loyal partner, it will only be a matter of time before you seek it elsewhere, particularly when there's no sign that you'll ever have the physical relationship that you want/need.

I think you're referring to me with regard to being lucky. You could call it luck, but I think it has a lot to do with the type of woman I go for (ie active and sporty) and also me being picky and waiting for the right woman to come along.

PurpleJay

I think you have to talk to him OP as others have said and maybe try to do something different to shake things up a bit I noticed you say you used to be the one to usually instigate things so what has changed now? Is it that you OH used to instigate things sometimes and now doesn't or is it that you have got fed up with being the one taking the initiative all the time.

Me and hubby only manage once or twice a month at the moment. Our best times before we had our son (5) were in the morning but he is usually awake before us! More recently we try and plan a bit of time during the day when we are both at home and he is at school if we can We are usually tired out at night (me especially) and one of us will often be half asleep by the time we have finished reading stories!

To add to things, 2 years ago my mum moved in with us and that didn't help things at times - I always had to tell her what we were doing (or fib) and often she would shout me if we disappeared upstairs in the day lol luckily she couldn't get up stairs!

Mum went into hospital in August last year and was discharged to a care home in November having been diagnosed with severe dementia. Daily visiting for the first few months, now reduced to 3 or 4 times a week combined with the stress and worry haven't helped. My hubby has been great and we talk a lot. Talking is the key and knowing you both want to get things back on track.

Good luck OP x

runningwoman

benb76 wrote: »

That sounds truly awful, and I can only inagine that the constant rejection is causing you all sorts of self esteem and insecurity isues. Whatever the reasons for your wife's complete loss of sex drive, her refusal to do anything about it, or even recognise it as a problem, is incredibly selfish. Surely she must realise that even for the most loyal partner, it will only be a matter of time before you seek it elsewhere, particularly when there's no sign that you'll ever have the physical relationship that you want/need.

I think you're referring to me with regard to being lucky. You could call it luck, but I think it has a lot to do with the type of woman I go for (ie active and sporty) and also me being picky and waiting for the right woman to come along.

Agree with this 100%. I actually think withholding sex/physical affection is an incredibly nasty, passive-aggressive thing to do for either gender and I'd certainly not hesitate to call a long term partner out on it. Of course there's no one way to do things - but the fact that one partner isn't happy IS a problem. It's essentially lowering your partners self esteem and confidence, and making them feel the bad guy for pestering.

It's not necessarily requiring 100% perfection or swinging from the chandeliers every morning, but if you've picked a partner and chosen to be with them, part of the "deal" is that you get some reassurance every now and then that you are a desirable human being. Sex isn't just physical stuff, it's acceptance, it's connection, it's thinking "hey someone I love finds me hot".

Little_Ole_Me

wapow wrote: »

Would i be correct in saying that it was you that chose the DVD and it was you that chose the game?

Can i also ask whether he was engaged in the activity or did he seem distant?

What happened after you played your game? Did you guys talk or just sit back?

Im being a bit probing but im trying to get a better idea here of this relationship so i hope you dont mind answering.

No, I dont mind answering wapow. To be honest, I normally let him choose everything else - although I might come across as demanding in the s- ex dept, im honestly not a high maintenance woman.

We have a 'love film' account which we both choose films from. Some are his choices and some are mine, but we enjoy watching them all.