6 year relationship - girlie advice request

Little_Ole_Me

Gavin83 wrote: »

Can I ask how often you used to have sex at the start of the relationship? You say you've always been the one thats initiated it, does this mean that your initiating it less these days? Why is this?

At the start, it was a lot, jsut about every time we saw each other, and I guess even then 3/4 of the time it was me initiating it.

Your comments do give me food for thought, maybe I am doing this less these days, and I guess its because I am fed up of always being the one who does these days

aintshesweet

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

Wow, 2/3 times a week, and you have a small child..

We don't have any kids, so we don't even have kids as an excuse!

I'm starting to think there is something quite wrong here:(

Hun some men, like some women, don't have high sex drives. Stop reading newspaper articles and cosmo magazines because the media always perpetuates the idea that everyone should always want sex all the time.

I'm in a similar situation to you - ish - the OH doesn't have a high sex drive.

I am crossheads regularly about the lack of compatibility in terms of what we both want from sex. I put up with it because he is affectionate and there's more to our relationship than sex (it would be !!!! if there wasn't!).

The thing is, you can't change people. If this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to make some tough decisions.

Gavin83

benb76 wrote: »

3 times a week as an average doesn't surprise me at all, in fact I'd say it's quite low for a couple with no kids! I think that for any couple to have sex only once a month indicates something isn't right. And for a man to never initiate sex is very very unusual.

I don't think this comment is necessarily true. Men don't necessarily always want sex, they have varying sex drives in the same way women do. I think as long as both partners are happy with the arrangement there isn't a problem but the OP clearly isn't happy with her situation.

Personally for my relationship 3 times a week is the minimum if we've had a busy week or something, I'd say normally it's around 5/6 times a week. I've been with her over 5 years now and we still fancy each other as much as we did when we first got together but we do make an effort. We both exercise regularly which helps to keep us in shape and we don't have any children so these probably help.

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship that was once a week or less. It's actually a dealbreaker for me. If our sex life drastically reduced and she was unwilling to deal with the issue or talk about it I'd walk. I'm not a cheater so I'd avoid this but wouldn't have any issues with ending a long term relationship. I don't actually know how people can live in a sexless relationship but each to their own.

Little_Ole_Me wrote: »

At the start, it was a lot, jsut about every time we saw each other, and I guess even then 3/4 of the time it was me initiating it.

Your comments do give me food for thought, maybe I am doing this less these days, and I guess its because I am fed up of always being the one who does these days

Sorry I had a sleeping girlfriend next to me yesterday so I couldn't type too much, it wakes her up! Anyway it sounds like you've always been the one to initiate sex. Who knows why, maybe his sex drive is lower than yours or he's too shy to. As you've said your doing it less as your fed up of always doing it or you could even be cutting down as a test to see when he'll actually pay any interest.

It almost seems like the problem has always been there to be honest. It could be a case that he's gotten used to you asking all the time and therefore has come to expect it and when you don't he presumes your not in the mood. It could also be that his sex drive is lower than yours.

When you've initiated it in the past/now does he often say no or is he always up for a bit?

Little_Ole_Me

hazyjo wrote: »

In my experience, some men just have a very low sex drive!

Had the same problem. Lovely man in a lot of ways, but no passion. Great friends, but that was all. Would be like brother and sister. Silly little pet names for each other and other things, we'd laugh at the same things and loved each other very much, we battled over sex for years. I wanted it, he didn't. It made me feel rejected - even though he said he'd have never rejected me if I'd made a move. Just not enough though, is it. Every weekend he'd get out of bed, I'd have the hump and would end up saying something later in the day. It was like he dreaded the weekends - and would make up excuse after excuse about having to do something very early that day (see his mum, shopping or whatever). I'd stay up later than him in the week.

It was always when I initiated it - he never did. We were down to once every few months, at a push (could count on one hand the amount of times we had it in one particular year!)... I found it wasn't the lack of physical gratification, it was the lack of feeling wanted, desirable, sexy, attractive. I started getting a lot of attention outside of our relationship, and I guess I felt the time was right to throw in the towel.

I walked in the end. Not nice, really hard, not what I wanted, but I had to accept nothing would ever change. I started noticing other men (and vice versa) and felt very resentful towards him. Thought I was either deeply depressed or going slowly insane (or through a mid life crisis) the way I was reacting towards him. Would stay out later than him sometimes if we'd both gone out, crawl in the next morning with no phone call after staying round a bloke's flat (platonic, but I did want more), would start ignoring him when out - honestly, just thought it was me having flipped, but looking back know it was just that I was beyond angry at him. Was very self destructive.

We had 'the talk' about it - years before, actually. Then again every few months after that. Three years passed and it had got worse, not better. Plus it wasn't even quality over quantity. That was rubbish too. Once you have 'the talk', it really can only go one of two ways after say another year.

I found !!!!!! on his computer - that's when I flipped. As a friend of mine said, 'what is he, a bloody critic?' Of course he got off on it. No major objections to !!!!!! personally, but when he was telling me he had no sex drive, would see the doctor (never happened - besides which, I don't see how they can prescribe you something to make you fancy your partner!), wanted to go for counselling (his friend's suggestion, not his - I declined) - he'd make promises and say 'noted' every time I would talk with him, or write things down for him to absorb so we could talk about it later without being 'reactive' when talking face to face.

I've been in other relationships where you're open about everything. Tell each other what you want, how to do it, talk about all sorts of things that you'd never tell another living soul, fantasies and it's just very sexual generally. You fancy the pants off each other. Can't get enough of each other, or put each other down, holding hands, kissing... I was NEVER like that with him. Never snogged, never any passion. You can't just create it, especially years into a relationship. If it's never been there, it won't suddenly appear. I think it's just about a connection between two people. Not saying either of you wouldn't be like that with other people, but I don't see it changing between the two of you - sorry! Just my experience.

I was told by a mutual friend that he'd said something about not getting over his first wife. He left her for another woman - although she, and nobody else, were ever told. I think some of it was down to that.

Another point, he had been a very heavy drinker all his life - had cut down a lot, but I think it had affected his sex drive long term. Damage done.

Good luck - keep us informed. Would be nice to hear a happy ending to this. Obviously not all relationships/experiences will be like mine and I'd like to know how he reacts (now and in say 6 months' time to see if anything has improved).

Jx

I really appreciate this, and you sharing this situation from your past.

The bit I have boldened, is sooooooooooo us - and I totally agree with the rest of that paragraph. We NEVER snog unless its sex. Hes the first guy ive ever been with that thinks proper snogging is just for the bedroom - he has always been like that.

I do think that you may be right, I dont think things will change, trust me I have tried - with outfits, dressing up, toys! and even a night in a hotel where we pretended to be strangers, he picking me up at the bar - type of thing - all my idea. He seemed to enjoy them at the time, but never would have come up with an idea like that himself, or initiated anything like that. At xmas I brought a sexy santa outfit, all that kind of thing, noone can say I havent tried to inject passion

Little_Ole_Me

Dunroamin wrote: »

That could be your problem in a nutshell.

What - cudding as a routine is a problem?

Little_Ole_Me

SameBoat wrote: »

Well after reading this thread it looks like my marriage is very broken. My wife and I haven't had any fun for over 6 months, yes that includes Christmas and even after showering with gifts on Valentines day, so if you are only once a month - luck you, and once a week, enjoy it.

I always made the first move, but now the rejection is getting m eodwn I don't bother, I know the answer, it used to be I am too tired, now it is I just don't want too. TBH I have tried the talking, and siggested time away just the two of us, I think it goes as far back to a six years and child birth, but she says not. It has been getting me down, I desire more, but when I try and discuss, she point blank refuses to and comes out with things like it is normal for people to abstain, well not for over 6 months. I suggest a weekend away, was told we don't do that sort of thing. I have confronted her about being with someone else, she says no, not sure I believe her, she say no specific reason for going off it. I have desires and this weekend I came to the conclusion to look elsewhere. Before doing this I have suggested we seek external help, reletionship advice / but everything is point blank refused. I have no will to live without for the rest of my life. I expect it will end up messy, but I'm unable to exist like I am at the moment, it really is getting me down. The guy that is 2/3 times a week, you dunno how lucky you are.

You know I really feel I have just witnessed someone pouring their heart out. You poor love.

I wonder what she will say if you ever start 'getting it elsewhere' - I wonder if your human needs will be all your fault then?

Little_Ole_Me

runningwoman wrote: »

Agree with this 100%. I actually think withholding sex/physical affection is an incredibly nasty, passive-aggressive thing to do for either gender and I'd certainly not hesitate to call a long term partner out on it. Of course there's no one way to do things - but the fact that one partner isn't happy IS a problem. It's essentially lowering your partners self esteem and confidence, and making them feel the bad guy for pestering.

It's not necessarily requiring 100% perfection or swinging from the chandeliers every morning, but if you've picked a partner and chosen to be with them, part of the "deal" is that you get some reassurance every now and then that you are a desirable human being. Sex isn't just physical stuff, it's acceptance, it's connection, it's thinking "hey someone I love finds me hot".

One millions percent agreed :T

Miss_Ratty

Hi There - I am in agreement with a number of other posters. Quantity isn't everything and only becomes an issue if one of you isn't happy, which you seem to be. The only thing you can do is talk about it. It could be something that is bothering him too but he doesn't know how to speak about it, or he may not see there is a problem until you tell him there is. I can relate to this as since I went on the implant and started antidepressants, but talking about it helps lots. x

moneypuddle

We've been together off and on for 5years and have sex probably four times a week, although I'm pregnant at the minute so do expect it to slow down after the baby is born

SailorSam

benb76 wrote: »

It may be a health or stress issue, Whatever it is the OP's man should address te issue as it is no doubt making her feel undesirable.

If it is a health issue, it's not always that easy for a man to face it. I think most men are notoriously reluctant to visit their doctor.