Poll - Did you have a good mother?

determined_new_ms

looby75 wrote: »

I've just had another thought. I do have a fantastic mother, she's my mother in law. I love her so much and she does so much for me (as does my FIL) In the last 19 years she has been my friend, my advisor and a fantastic grandmother to my children. We have had the odd falling out over the years and I'm ashamed to say looking back they were pretty much all my fault, but she never bears a grudge. She's stubborn but usually right and I am very very lucky to have found her.

The first thing she said to me after I found out her son was having an affair and left me was that she would never turn her back on me and she never has. I would be totally stuffed with out my inlaws.

A good mother doesn't have to be related by blood

I echo this sentiment (actually this thread has brought a lump to my throat) my mother was vile to me as a child, very abusive and this continued into adulthood whenever I have tried to repair the rift. She also has MH issues, drug & alcohol issues. 3 years a go I called a day on our relationship after she started to be vile to my dd who was 15 at the time.

She has damaged me very much, which I am still dealing with. I have been having counselling and am only now beginning to unravel the ways I have behaved as a direct response to damage done to me as a child/young person/adult. I also wasn't the best parent - I had my children when I was 16-18. But I love my children very much and am trying to be the best parent I can be. The poem by Philip Larkin is so trued - "my parents f***ed me up, but they couldn't help it as they were f***ed up by their parents too"

I'm so lucky the mother of my ex forged a relationship with a chaotic 18 year old to have a relationship with her grandchildren. She has been such a a wonderful and inspirational woman in my life, has supported me through the worst times, encouraged and believed in me. I love her very much and am very grateful for all she has done for me

determined_new_ms

I am quite affected by the stories on here, so had to post again. I still find it hard when other people show me the affection that my mother denied me. When I met my oh I found it really hard to take the unconditional love he feels for me. Even 4 years on I find it difficult that his parents always get me lovely gifts when my own mother just tells me what a horrible person I am and hasn't bought me a card for my birthday since I was 13

Buttonmoons

Difficult one for me really. She is how she is because of her parents, but she doesn't know how to care for her kids properly.

She thinks she is the best mum ever, can't take any sort of critcism, drinks too much, lies all the time, blackmail etc etc

I hated my stepdad when I lived at home, as they both used to get drunk and goad me to be cheeky, which I eventually did (you can only hear so many fat ugly etc etc before you explode) then take great pleasure in strangling me and hitting me - they always waited until they had an excuse to do it though (in the sense I had been lippy) I have issues now with food because of her, funnily enough she has melted to an alarmingly skinny size and looks like a lollipop because she barley eats, just vodka, everyday! I got left alone at Xmas, never got hugged, or told I was doing well, I was made to babysit my infant sister from the age of 7. I didn't really have a childhood.

Even now, I've moved out, I'm blacklisted as took out store cards in my name and run up debt (she thinks the world owes her something and all their money) You mention it to her and she laughs, like its totally funny.

I love my mum, god knows why, but I dislike her a lot as a person.

She actually phoned me 2 days ago demanding I bought her a haircut and dye for mothers day, I said "Why would I buy you that?" - her reply "Because it needs done and I'm skint" I told her to use the money she's owed me for 3 months and use that.

/mad/seethe/rage.

gingin_2

My mum likes to be Queen Bee, in a subtle way but it doesn't really bother me. She has been very, very indulged by my father after not a brilliant childhood herself.

I've had a lot of counselling to get over certain issues in my childhood and the one thing I can't get over is that my mother ignored the eating disorder that I had. It wasn't a phase or a fad, it started when I was 12 and continued well into adulthood and affected my physically and emotionally . Despite her knowing about it, never did they try and get me help. It remained a dirty little secret that I had to go through on my own until I finally got help in my late 20's. It's affected me a lot and I will never know why they couldn't have just taken me to a doctor. I guess it would have spoiled the illusion of her perfect life. It doesn't help that I have a daughter myself who I would move heaven and earth to help if she was even remotely going through what I did.

I have a fine relationship with her now. Not amazingly close but she is a very good grandmother. My brother is also very distant to her so I guess he is haunted by a few things too.

Lunar_Eclipse

Shovel_Lad wrote: »

Do they? Care to back that up with any kind of evidence or is it just wishful thinking?

No to both, it's my opinion but based on what I've read generally about abused children, from a child's perspective. I think this mindset changes for many once they become adults, but sadly the mere fact that victims in childhood often go on to abuse their own children, infers this misplaced respect does exist.

A poster on this thread has said they still love their abusive mother now, as an adult. I think it's the way many of us are programmed. Having said that, I've no professional or personal experience in this area. I'm incredibly lucky and humbled not to have experienced abusive parenting and don't want to upset/offend anyone who's experienced something so awful by saying any more.

MummyOfTwo

she did the best to within her abilities at any given time... didnt always put us first, and never understood what it means to sacrifice your own wants for needs of your children. That being said, I do love her and accept her for who she is. I encourage the baby steps she makes to try and be a good mother even now.

the knock on effect is that i am very clear to myself on what it means to be a good mother. I am picky about the little things. I am there for every assembly and show at school, uniforms are pressed and ready for the week ahead, tea is served as a family at the table, bedtime routine is strict, and my children never hear me or hubby argue or discuss finances. those would be good examples of the things i missed as a child and saw other kids getting. I know people would look at me and see me as not mother material (i am a rock and roll mother with pink hair and tattoos!) but behind closed doors i knit, sew, bake and cook, love my tidy organised house and am a keen MSE.

I am also incredibly lucky to have a stepmum who is very much on my wavelength, she loves crafts and cooking, and made me see thats its perfectly acceptable to take great pride in looking after your family.

Ladyhawk

I didn't hesitate to ticking "yes". I have a wonderful mum who has her flaws but always loved us. Yes, she can be a tad snobby, and has always competed with me in terms of weight (I think she has food issues) and can be a little manipulative at times. She disciplined us when we needed it and had very firm views on what acceptable behaviour was. She is kind, gentle, encouraging, generous and imperfect. I think a lot of mothers these days could learn a lot from how she raised me and my brothers.

I was truly horrid as a teenager and hated her for not letting get my own way the whole time. I was quite vile on occassion.... she never held a grudge and we got over it and now are good friends. I think it is a testament to both her and my dad that they have 4 successful, well adjusted and generally happy children.

i am incredibly sad that she and my dad live on the other side of the world and that they are not going to really be involved in my nephew's lives because of the distance.

marleyboy

I have a wonderful Mother, who always put us first and still does even at her age and condition.

We had an abusive Dad who I would not waste my spit on, whom my Mother bravely stood up to whilst protecting us from his violent and drunken abuse, regardless of how he abused her (permanently blinded her with one punch when we were kids).

My children will never experience such abuse, I guess we grew up not to treat our family with the same faults we incurred in our childhood.

marleyboy

Originally Posted by Lunar Eclipse
No to both, it's my opinion but based on what I've read generally about abused children, from a child's perspective. I think this mindset changes for many once they become adults, but sadly the mere fact that victims in childhood often go on to abuse their own children, infers this misplaced respect does exist.

A poster on this thread has said they still love their abusive mother now, as an adult. I think it's the way many of us are programmed.

I beg to differ, I adore my non abusive Mother yet I have nothing to do with my abusive Dad.

On the same token, as a victim of childhood abuse, would never do such a thing to my children. I do not class myself as being unique in this, however I do get angry when such abusive parents will use the excuse that it was because they were abused as kids.

balletshoes

marleyboy wrote: »

I beg to differ, I adore my non abusive Mother yet I have nothing to do with my abusive Dad.

On the same token, as a victim of childhood abuse, would never do such a thing to my children. I do not class myself as being unique in this, however I do get angry when such abusive parents will use the excuse that it was because they were abused as kids.

I agree with this totally. My OH was physically abused by his Dad for years (as long as he can remember, until he ran away from home when he was 10). He never did understand why his Dad hit out so much. As an adult and a father, my OH is even more disgusted with his Dad. Our DD is treated like a Princess by my OH, he has never laid a finger on her in anger, and rarely raises his voice to her either.

I think parents who abuse/neglect their children are wired differently. Its most definitely not all learned behaviour.