Poll - Did you have a good mother?

Shovel_Lad

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

No to both, it's my opinion but based on whatI've read generally about abused children, from a child's perspective. I thinkthis mindset changes for many once they become adults, but sadly the mere factthat victims in childhood often go on to abuse their own children, infers thismisplaced respect does exist.

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

A poster on this thread has said they still love their abusive mother now,as an adult. I think it's the way many of us are programmed. Having said that,I've no professional or personal experience in this area. I'm incredibly luckyand humbled not to have experienced abusive parenting and don't want toupset/offend anyone who's experienced something so awful by saying anymore.

So you have no evidence to back up what you say, no experience in the area and you don't want to "upset/offend" anyone who has. Yet you go on to spout unsubstantiated nonsense and accuse victims of child abuse of becoming abusers in adult life as a matter of course. Are you a journalist for the Daily Mail? Or do you actually believe this drivel?

Perhaps instead of being humbled by not experiencing abusive parents you could learn from those who have rather than treat them as pariahs and potential offenders. Seriously, if you didn't "want to upset/offend anyone"perhaps you should have thought about that before you started to write your comments. I'd hate to see you when you had a vendetta against someone, and did want to upset them.

You want some stats about what it is like for victims in adulthood? 18.6 percent of 11–17s (19 per cent females and 18.2 per cent males) of people were victims of severe child maltreatment and sexual abuse. Do you believe that nearly 20% of the population "often go on to abuse their own children"as you have said above? Well you are wrong. There is no increase in offending; there is no statistical difference between them and the general population whenit comes to criminal behaviour.

What the stats do show is the above group are over six times (6.4) more likely to have current suicide ideation, and almost 5 times (4.6) more likely to have self-harm thoughts than the non maltreated young people in this age group. They are also more likely to have poor mental health and not to have finished school with qualifications. I'm sure you are making them feel a lot better about themselves with your sympathetic views. Want some proper "reading"? Try "Child abuseand neglect in the UK today".

If you want to educate yourself further you can always contact http://www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/research/information_service/safeguarding_information_service_wda47732.html.

Apologies to the OP, this was not what the thread was about, I know. But I cannot stand by and let these sorts of accusations go unchallenged. There are anumber of abuse victims who post regularly on MSE, many that do not want to be identified as such in a public forum, attitudes like shown by Lunar Eclipse if left unchallenged can increase the isolation and the feeling that they as victims are feared and unwelcome in modern society.

GobbledyGook

No. My mother was awful. Apparently she was a good mother to my brother and I before she got hooked on drugs, but by the time I was 2ish she was hooked so I don't remember. We were not her priority in any way, we were hungry, dirty, and just totally neglected. Those were the good days before my father came back. After that there was violence, resentment and jealousy added into the mix as well.

At 7 I got a new Mum in many ways when my grandparents took us. We lived with the fear that she'd get us back until she died when I was 14. My Grandparents were fantastic and on mother's day it'll be my Nana that I think of.

I used to think that my MIL was a good stand-in mother, but actually now I've discovered that she was extremely manipulative and rather evil.

I used to be terrified about the 'link' between abusive parents and parents who were abused. However I can't imagine my children ever being anything other than my number one priority. I used to think that perhaps once I became a mother I'd understand better how difficult it was and maybe I'd understand her better. It was the opposite though, I can't understand in any way why she allowed a violent, abusive, drunk, drug addicted man who she knew resented her/their children to return to our home. I wish I'd realised when I was younger that's how I'd feel so that I could have asked her before she died why she did it.

Gloomendoom

My mother was, and still is, fantastic. So's my dad.

They brought us up in the traditional 1960's manner. Dad worked, Mum stayed at home and looked after us. We had a very happy childhood, far removed from some of the horror stories I'm reading on here.

thatlemming

Gloomendoom wrote: »

My mother was, and still is, fantastic. So's my dad.

They brought us up in the traditional 1960's manner. Dad worked, Mum stayed at home and looked after us. We had a very happy childhood, far removed from some of the horror stories I'm reading on here.

Same as the above to be honest. I was brought up in a traditional way, and I'm only 20. Childhood couldn't have been better really.

Feel so so sorry for some of the people on this thread Can't imagine what you've been through x

marywooyeah

nope. my mum left when I was 4 andn I used to see her twice a year or so until I went to live with her when I was 14. I remained in the marital home with my dad and his new wife (who he cheated on my mum with). My dad and her were violent to me and my brother then went on to have 2 kids of their own and told me if I disclosed anything people wouldn't believe us and most people treated their children a lot worse so we were lucky. My mum had experienced physical abuse from my dad but didn't seem to consider it might pass to us when she left and by the time I went to live with her it was too late for us to have formed a relationship. she told me if she could have her life again she would have aborted my sister and if I ever got pregnant that's what I should do, so when I was in a violent relationship and pregnant I wasn't able to turn her for help, or at any other time really.

now we only talk out of courtesy, only see her twice a year or so but she thinks nothing of calling me up if she needs money (once it was £700) or coming to stay for a night and the night turning into several, with no offer towards food or any other costs.

happyhaddock_2

I have voted no, unfortunately. I had and still have a terrible relationship with my selfish, narcissistic, self centered mother, and would prefer to have no contact whatsoever but am not strong enough

Melonade

My real mother was rubbish and I was in care by the time I was a few months old. She died when I was 18.

My Nan who brought me up gave me everything I needed and more. She was there for me always, like she was for all the family. I turned to her like she was my mother when I needed help/advice/support.

Sadly she she died suddenly on Wednesday afternoon and we've been left shattered, destroyed and broken. I called her Nan but she was more like a mother to me than I could ever ask. She was the most amazing woman in the world :A

Just_Plain_Jane

Melonade wrote: »

My real mother was rubbish and I was in care by the time I was a few months old. She died when I was 18.

My Nan who brought me up gave me everything I needed and more. She was there for me always, like she was for all the family. I turned to her like she was my mother when I needed help/advice/support.

Sadly she she died suddenly on Wednesday afternoon and we've been left shattered, destroyed and broken. I called her Nan but she was more like a mother to me than I could ever ask. She was the most amazing woman in the world :A

So sorry for your loss Melonade. x

euronorris

Triangle wrote: »

My mum was a wonderful mum when I was a child and is a wonderful friend now I'm an adult. When I was a teenager, I had one friend whose mum was her best friend and would get drunk with her, smoke with her, etc. At the time I was a tad jealous - now I am so thankful my mum was a parent to me; loving, supportive but with clear boundaires.

This sums up my Mum for me too. She's by no means perfect, and her lack of confidence and self esteem was sometimes too apparant in the way she parented us, but nothing major. And luckily, my Dad had enough confidence to bolster us up. She's also improved on this a lot.

I know she loves us all dearly, including the grandchildren, and would do anything to help or protect us. Considering the mothers that some of my friend's have, I was exceptionally lucky and I am so grateful for that.

billa_champion

I have the best mum ever. Always, looking out for what's best for me and my siblings. So unselfish and caring. Couldn't ask for anyone better - only wish I could show my appreciation more...