Having problems with DD2 now :(

victory

the_cat wrote: »

Should they all just carry on until someone is stabbed?

Just an idea that came to me re the knives and stabbing are you allowed to call the police if it just a threat? Say if DD started shouting that she was going to stab DD2 or someone else are the police allowed to be called without 'wasting police time?'

I say this because if everytime there was a threat the police was called surely they would have to take it further and get the professionals to assess the whole situation?

It has been said to film the outbursts but where to take it to and who to show it to? Maybe the GP, professional counsellors, social services,?

If it is PDA ring everyone in the phone book every website register to just keep ringing them so much they end up knowing you by name, spend all day doing it, take every webiste link and run with it, keep up the momentum and make sure they give you answers.

peachyprice

daska wrote: »

Oh what a nightmare!

First thing I'd say, as a rebuttal to all those who haven't experienced the joys of a child who has problems and are making judgemental accusations from their glass houses, is that not all behaviour is the result of parenting. DS2 was expelled from 3 nurseries/pre-schools due to his behaviour but EVERYONE who knows him states that he isn't naughty. It just isn't the case that parents are responsible for everything!

No glass houses here. I HAVE had a very difficult child, he was the demon child from hell from the ages of 2 to 10. I could quite easily have sent him to live with his father, and infact begged him to take him on several occasions.

The worse he was the less I liked him, the less I liked him the less he thought I loved him. It took a hell of a lot of hard work to break that cycle. Which wouldn't have happened if I hand't have been willing to accept that my parenting of him was also at fault.

So Yes, parenting DOES play a large part and OP doesn't seem to like her child, you only have to read the latest episode to see that the girl is crying out to be shown that she is loved by her mother.

daska

peachyprice wrote: »

No glass houses here. I HAVE had a very difficult child, he was the demon child from hell from the ages of 2 to 10. I could quite easily have sent him to live with his father, and infact begged him to take him on several occasions.

The worse he was the less I liked him, the less I liked him the less he thought I loved him. It took a hell of a lot of hard work to break that cycle. Which wouldn't have happened if I hand't have been willing to accept that my parenting of him was also at fault.

So Yes, parenting DOES play a large part and OP doesn't seem to like her child, you only have to read the latest episode to see that the girl is crying out to be shown that she is loved by her mother.

I'm didn't say it never plays a part. I said "not all behaviour is the result of parenting" and it "isn't the case that parents are responsible for everything".

I'm sorry you took what I said so personally but obviously in your case parenting was responsible for part of the problem.

In DS2's case it wasn't, he is acknowledged by everyone to be polite and well behaved - until he goes into meltdown due to his ASD/sensory problems.

toomanyshoesfortwofeet

peachyprice wrote: »

No glass houses here. I HAVE had a very difficult child, he was the demon child from hell from the ages of 2 to 10. I could quite easily have sent him to live with his father, and infact begged him to take him on several occasions.

The worse he was the less I liked him, the less I liked him the less he thought I loved him. It took a hell of a lot of hard work to break that cycle. Which wouldn't have happened if I hand't have been willing to accept that my parenting of him was also at fault.

So Yes, parenting DOES play a large part and OP doesn't seem to like her child, you only have to read the latest episode to see that the girl is crying out to be shown that she is loved by her mother.

Seriously? Are you extrapolating from your one child and your one experience of raising that child that parenting methods are the key factor of behavioural difficulties for children with mental illness.

Well that's the Nature/ Nurture debate over right there and then then, isn't it? Thanks PeachyPrice. Job Done. Someone ring the genome project and tell them not to bother with that bit.

peachyprice

toomanyshoesfortwofeet wrote: »

Seriously? Are you extrapolating from your one child and your one experience of raising that child that parenting methods are the key factor of behavioural difficulties for children with mental illness.

Well that's the Nature/ Nurture debate over right there and then then, isn't it? Thanks PeachyPrice. Job Done. Someone ring the genome project and tell them not to bother with that bit.

Where on earth did I say that????

Op's child clearly has MH problems, but I doubt her behaviour is helped by the way OP treats her. Her MH problems won't go away, but her behaviour may be improved with a different approach to parenting. They are two separate issues after all. Not all her behaviour is caused by her MH and her MH issues don't excuse some of her behaviour.

Take her episode last night - what was the purpose of refusing the girl a bowl of porridge? Parent have to pick their fights, OP doesn't seem to do so well at that.


So no need for the sarky comments thanks.

toomanyshoesfortwofeet

peachyprice wrote: »

Where on earth did I say that????

Op's child clearly has MH problems, but I doubt her behaviour is helped by the way OP treats her. Her MH problems won't go away, but her behaviour may be improved with a different approach to parenting. They are two separate issues after all. Not all her behaviour is caused by her MH and her MH issues don't excuse some of her behaviour.

Take her episode last night - what was the purpose of refusing the girl a bowl of porridge? Parent have to pick their fights, OP doesn't seem to do so well at that.


So no need for the sarky comments thanks.

First paragraph - you establish your legitimacy to comment based on your own child's problems.

Second Paragraph - You illustrate a social-negative cycle between yourself and your son and then demonstrate your parental prowess to power through the issues and come up trumps.

Third Paragraph - 'so YES, parenting DOES play a large part' and op doesn't do this that and other -

How should I read this post in a way that that doesn't simply read that if the op were just to put some bloody effort into it (just like you did) and love her dd more then everything would improve?

I couldn't give two hoots about bedtime or porridge, it's neither here nor there. OP is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

FatVonD

OP, could your DH and DD2 go away for a weekend now and again (relatives to visit?) so you and DD1 can have some time together? My own DS resents having to share me with DH (his stepdad) so we spend one evening a week (currently when DH's band rehearses but before that we'd go out) doing something on our own. We usually buy a kebab and watch a DVD but DS tells me more about his life in that one evening than the whole rest of the week.

shegirl

darlyd wrote: »

Thank You again for all your adivce, I really do appreciate it. I am going to try to come up with something else as a reward. But what? How else will she earn her pocket money for her magazine, and skating etc?

Tonight it kicked it off yet again, she knows bed time for 8 lights off for 9, but she just sat on the landing, threw all rubbish and other bits down the stairs (all we said to her was come on babes bed time now), and she kept annoying DD2 who was in bed, (we trying to get dd2 back into routine no dvd for bed any more, even though it went off at 7.30 but she keeps getting out of bed, so it's her punishment), well DD1 was just annoying her, the only way I think we could of stopped DD1 was to pick her up and lock her in her room, but that was not an option, she was just going mental upstairs, wrote nasty letters, wishing us all dead, etc etc, she came downstairs at 9.30 for a bowl of porridge, I said no you have to go to bed, this is not right blah blah, she hit me, she grabbed knife from drawer ready to stab me, DH came out saying molly (our dog) is having a fit, Molly was just scared of the shouting from DD1, (I remained calm), this then got her to say I don't care, how it all calmed down I do not know, I heard her crying upstairs, I left her for a while then went to her to make sure she was OK, she just handed me a letter. I came down to read it (DH went to bed, up early), and it says I do not love her, giving me options to tick yes and no etc. All because we told her to go bed as it was gone 8 (her bed time). arghhh

DH says to me quietly without her listening (she keeps saying stop whispering), that he can not longer sit back with this, she needs to move out, I say only option is for me to move out too, he says DD2 will have to stay here with him, he does not trust DD1 nor do I.

!!!!!! do we do?

Why on earth is a 12 year old going to bed at 8pm????

If she's asking if you love her etc,then no matter what the cause of her behaviour is,if she's feeling rejected and as if you don't love her it will only serve to make the situation worse.She could be pushing you to see if you push her away or leave her.

Would there be any reason you can think of for her to have attachment issues at all?Does she suffer from 'insecurity' and 'paranoia'?

cheepskate_2

No matter what mental health problems, if this child is crying out and asking mum -does she love her or not - then there is a parenting issue there .

As far as i can see the op was more concerned about it kicking off over something stupid such as bed time, than her own child unsure if she was loved or not.

Coupled with dad not wanting her there, then there are parenting issues there.

Shutting your eyes to it doesn't make the situation go away

shegirl

cheepskate wrote: »

No matter what mental health problems, if this child is crying out and asking mum -does she love her or not - then their is an parenting issue there . As far as i can see the op was more concerned about it kicking off over something stupid such as bed time, than her own child unsure if she was loved or not.

Coupled with dad not wanting her there, then there are parenting issues there.

I agree.

My son is severely autistic with many other issues and he has beaten me black and blue,had me bleeding,on may occasions when he's gone into meltdown.But he knows I won't walk away and leave him,he would never question whether I love him.When he's calm he comes right in for a huge hug where I talk to him about what happened,why he done it and how he can't hurt himself or mummy and I work on different and safe ways for him to manage or vent his immense anxiety.He's even developed enough to say sorry for hurting me because he knows he's hurt me but that it doesn't stop me loving him.He knows I want to help him.He even starts to ask for help now if he feels himself starting to enter meltdown.

There is a lot that could be done with the ops daughter in my mind,granted some professional help could well be needed,but I do wonder if it's been left too long and too late for it to take effect at the same pace it could have and whether the op is prepared for all the hard work and the hurt that will go with it.It won't be easy getting the daughter out of any of this at all and none of it will stop overnight,but that is something you have to accept to make it better in the long run.